“I think that in couples, there are those that take the time to invest and pre plan my life, and then there are many who are flying by the seat of their pants. Sometimes the results are fabulous… sometimes they are not.”

Dealing with things as they come up is a planned-out process. How do we reduce the casualty in the fall out. Often what works in business works in relationships. You cannot wing your relationship.

Have a bigger vision of what you want your relationship to be. It helps us get back on track. Your honeymoon doesn’t last forever. Awareness of what each other is feeling, and awareness of surroundings & acting upon it in a loving way.

Gratitude is a powerful piece neurologically. When you’re in a state of gratitude, it’s impossible to be angry. It’s about being aware of the good and the bad, creating a vision about the quality of the relationship you wish to have, and developing strategies for when things are going both great, or in crises. And don’t forget to celebrate!

Drama & Conflict in Your Relationship

3 Steps for Better Feelings

D is for Defensiveness – Gottman

Where Do You Set Your Cruise Control?

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The sense of community is huge! One bigger than your family unit is critical. It shapes you; it gives support and adds to your life. Be really present and notice. Noticing the people around us and what they do, they model relationships for us all the time. Sit back & notice people’s interactions at a party and reflect!

So how can we eliminate the blame, so we can live without it? It’d be such an easier and better world! Take time to really appreciate. Stop to reflect & be grateful for what you have. It is hard if you’re stuck inside yourself - reframe the blame!

“I want every moment to be just so filled with love and joy. I want to be that kind of person that my grandkids want to come and be around me, my children too… That people enjoy being around me.”

There are people that brighten the room when they enter, and people that do the opposite. There’s power in reflecting back, what’s worked for you and what have been some of those challenges? What steps are you taking to commit in making a change?

Reframe Your Blame – Jay Fiset

Heart of Relationships

Vision, Mission, Values  

Conflict & Drama In Your Relationship (the Dreaded Drama

Triangle)

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Use invitations to invite the other person in - it’s not implied both parties are always on the same page. Seek first to understand, then to be understood. Which means listening!

“In order to build healthy relationships, it takes engagement. None of us are mind readers for the other person unless we ask each other.”

 Here’s a great exercise - be open to what your partner is saying, have a neutral look and be engaged, yet not say a word during that agreed upon time frame. Then switch! There’s great value there! It’s so important to repair than to put the issue to the side and never deal with it. If we keep hiding it, it’ll eventually come out in a way we probably don’t want it to. Setting aside time to listen is so important in repair.

 It’s a continual and consistent process!

The Two Gottman Ideas You Should Be Talking About - Gottman

Drama & Conflict In Your Relationship?

Gratitude Rituals

My Partner Refuses To Argue – How Can We Talk About The Big Stuff?

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It’s tough to change. The comfort of the known is convenient, it’s the familiar zone! How do we consciously and intentionally make changes to self to get the changes that we want, both individually and together?

“I can only make changes to myself, you can only make changes to yourself, yet by us being a good support system to each other we can be a good support system for each other for the changes we’re making.”

This takes a level of honesty and communication. Where are we going? What will our lives be ten, twenty, thirty years from now look like with that destination in mind? For some couples, it’s hard to look ten years off, and it takes some real intentionality to reflect on this.

 Through the process, don’t forget to celebrate the small things! Look at how much change has happened perhaps this week, month, or year… look at where we are now. Give change a chance!

The whole point of change is to improve and create different experiences that we’d like to have more of. It’s about the quality of life, and to believe that it will really be different. It takes a level of consciousness to be open, but if we are conscious and intentional, it will change in the way we want to and are open too. We’re changing our future history.

Dr. Brené Brown – When you are blaming, you are not learning

Drama & Conflict In Your Relationship

1 Choice That Changes Everything In Your Marriage

Dr. Brené Brown – When you are blaming, you are not learning

Drama & Conflict In Your Relationship

1 Choice That Changes Everything In Your Marriage

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“Each one of us has incredible strengths, and yet we may not be strong in the same area and to figure out how we can utilize each person’s strengths in each situation.”

Trust is a powerful thing. We’re all there in support of one another and take lead at different times. Nobody is less than the other, it’s about having a huge appreciation for other people’s strengths and being okay with that! It’s okay to be vulnerable and to ask for help and support from the people that are close to you! The willingness to ask and receive goes both ways.

Build a trust at home and then expand it out to kids, friends, and outside community. The power between the two of you is critical to work out first, and requires some conscious work. If you start from the outside looking in, it likely feels daunting. And yet when you start from my circle of influence, where you have control… it looks doable!

Be conscious and joyful, have appreciation. That glows and affects everyone around us as well!

Heart of Relationships – The Bigger Impact

The Power Between

Gratitude Rituals

Gratitude & Appreciation

Burn Your Romance Novels & Regnite Real Romance – Dr. Cheryl Fraser

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If you’re coming in at the same level, then communication is effective. If someone is at a different perceived level, then it could feel like one person is at a place of power or authority, and the other one is a child... or incapable. Be respectful in accountability, don’t shoot them down or shame them. Small things often cause conflict in relationships – let's clarify expectations!

“It all boils down to good ole communication, doesn’t it?”

Accountability really is the ultimate empowerment tool. Create agreements and commitments that make you both feel good in the situation. Commit to the time to talk about things with open, honest conversations. Imagine the joy, fun, love, success and accomplishments when we hold ourselves accountable and have fun with it!

Accountability In Your Relationship Is Critical

Accountability In Speech

Emotional Awareness: A Life-changer

Creating A Culture Of Accountability Not Blame – Michael Timms

How I Stopped Trying To Control My Partner – Gottman Institute

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With a jigsaw puzzle, there are definite boundaries and then there are pieces that are pretending sometimes. In your own life, there’s times where you may think you know where your boundaries are but might not always be clear.

“In a jigsaw puzzle sometimes, I’ll put a piece in one spot then later go back and say, no it can’t fit there, this one must go here instead. In my life, the same thing happens – things need to change and shift a little!”

Beliefs also change. As you become more aware, you get to process them too. Then you can find the edge pieces and create those boundaries as well! What will you and will you not accept? It can create conflict within yourself and others if you’re not clear. You can get hard on yourself. Become aware and conscious of your feelings. Paint your own picture, but also bring your partner into that as well in discussion.

Be curious and know the next piece will show up! This can allow you to be judgmental as well. Reflect on your puzzle and the pieces in it! It’s probably a solid picture. Focus on right now, consciously choosing the pieces.

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As a first responder, you must look after yourself first before you can reach out and help anyone else out. You put your own oxygen mask on first before serving others. Because if you are not healthy then you have no ability, really, to be a true value to help in relationship with others. It’s so rewarding to be on the same page supporting each other, valuing each other, being on the same team!

You have an impact on your entire extended family, whether you live under the same roof or not. The mom & dad are hugely influential in teaching the kids how to treat relationships in the future... their partners. Its important to start now, you can’t change the past.

“We truly could make a difference in the world if we started with ourselves. And then our home relationship, our work, our world, our society.”

What can you do right now in your own little circle of influence to make it a little bit better? It’s all about attention, intention, building my energy and building the best that you can be for your family, your community. What a big impact that can be when we all focus on that!

Heart of Relationships previous podcast – the basics

Building community – Rituals

Leadership – at Work and at Home

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“I want to have fun with you! I want it to be a joyous experience, not drudgery. And so, by adding these things in this will allow me to experience more joy. Not just in this time, also in the lead up and follow up.”

So, how do you approach and decide what to do for fun together? Start with a conversation. Make a list, and perhaps prioritize things off that you’re ready to do. The key is to choose. That excitement is really neat! Another important thing to consider is adding fun to the daily things. Things that scream – “hey, I’m thinking about you.”

“I think that when we have that lightness in our step, It effects everybody. Others that we relate to in business and in our community… it just adds a different energy to it!” 

When you feel good about yourself, it effects interactions with everyone in a great way. Now let’s go plan some fun! 

Add Fun to your relationship

Bring back that lovin’ feeling

Job Jar for relationship Fun

Not having Fun – and how to fix it

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You likely know your partner well enough to know how to get a reaction out of them, whether that be good or bad. It’s a weird thing. We know each other well enough to know what those are, but ego still comes in and will push that out.

“When I recognize that something pushes a button, I can choose not to say it.”

Words matter! It takes an awareness and willingness to develop new habits and intentions, but the results can be life changing. It doesn’t have to be this way! Having the courage to stand up for what you know. Where else in my life am I saying things that aren’t congruent to who I am?

Imagine what our world could be when people quit pulling the trigger. What if instead we’re aware, conscious and intentional and filled with love.

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The three points in this triangle are - persecutor, rescuer, and the victim. No matter which behavior you may be playing out, you start to feel like the victim. “Poor me, I’ve lost control and can’t do anything about it”. That quickly turns into victimhood, you now own it.

The core of this is to gain control and feel some power. That’s what blame does too! If you can blame someone else, you get the feeling of more power in the moment. However, if one of you is calmer or patient in the situation, you can guide the other partner out of the dreaded triangle and support them out of it.  

“When I focus on what’s important now and breathe deeply, I can reduce the amount of time I spend in that dreaded drama triangle.”

The more I practice consciously escaping the triangle, the more you can learn about it! Just imagine what our lives, relationships and world can be like when more people are consciously aware of their feelings when they treat themselves and each other from a place of love, kindness, and respect. We can get there together.

Drama & Conflict In Your Relationship

Antidote To The Drama Cycle

The Power of TED (The Empowerment Dynamic)

Karpman’s Drama Triangle

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If it’s only better to give than receive, what would happen in nature? To us?  It must be reciprocal, and sometimes we forget about that. Gratitude is a big piece in this. By choosing to receive, it's about recognizing the other person’s loving attempt, and to really see them as this loving being who’s wanting to give of themselves to me. It's huge!

The concept of paying it forward is amazing here if it’s done with the right energy. Be willing and graciously receive. Then in an opportunity down the road, joyfully reciprocate. There’s no score card. It’s just a gift and that’s all there is to it.

“It’s all about the choice to give, the choice to receive, the choice to be incredibly grateful.”

None of this is rocket science - I think the majority of us kind of know what’s important. However, it's about creating that awareness and being conscious of creating what you want rather than just allowing your life to just come around by default. Just remembering that is key – to know that I have choice, there’s the power.

Choice, The Ultimate Empowerment Tool

Drama & Conflict In Your Relationship?

Gratitude & Appreciation

Small Miracle About Gratitude – Huffington Post

Pay Attention For Passion’s Sake – Gottman Institute – Cheryl Fraser

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How do you create a process to make effective decisions as a couple? Perhaps a flow chart? Or through identifying each choice with your mission as a couple? Perhaps the tri position planning model can come in handy. This process has a few phases, beginning with the brainstorming piece. Then we might agree on another time to meet again for the next stage, and perhaps might go back and forth a few times. We then reach the outcome.

“If we make effective decisions – it builds trust. If we don’t then it tends to destroy trust as well.”

Decisions take some time, even quick ones. Developing a process then could be done very quickly in an effective process. Better than spur of the moment decisions – sometimes they’re amazing, sometimes they cause you to beat yourself up. This process could help reduce some of that anger. And ease you into joy, peace and ease knowing your division has been discussed effectively.

This decision-making model is one of the biggest components of our relationship. You want to have more ease and joy, and knowing you’re being intentional in your decisions can help get you there in a truly honest, open way. Imagine how our relationships can be moving forward when we take the time to be really honest and open with each other with this decision-making model.

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“The confidentiality piece is in knowing that there’s a level of trust in which you and I can say whatever we need to say, and it stays safe between us. It’s safety.”

Confidentiality is a solid guideline that anybody could implement with every person they interact with. It’s a trust builder. So, how do you build that trust that what you’re about to share is confidential? You can ask. There’s also that intuitive piece, recognizing that what someone’s sharing might be uncomfortable to share. Create the agreement as the listener as well!

This concept applies everywhere, including in the workplace. Creating an environment where employees feel safe, heard, and valued is so important.

What is the intentionality of sharing, and the intentionality of the conversation? Be very clear about what information you share with your partner and have those conversations instead of assumptions that are sometimes incorrect. Notice the feelings, what feels good and what does not. Look for ways to ensure you’re continuing the relationship to build trust in your partner, communities and at work. Sometimes slips happen, but it’s all about creating trust and building and having more of that.  

Accountability in your relationship is critical

Psychological Safety at Home

It’s Time to Stop the Stigma Around Couples Therapy

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We’re all formed on accepted beliefs from others, like movies, parents, school, religion. These create unconscious unwritten rules. Where did that come from, is that true for me?

“The goal is to have the honest, open conversations of what each person likes so that the guy can fizzle, and spark and the women can be warm and glow, and it can all happen at the same time.”

The key is communication. And that takes a level of honesty, vulnerability, and safety. Set up a safe environment both physically and emotionally to talk about these things. It’s not about compromising, it’s about setting up a situation that’s a win-win situation where both people agree to it. Because if there’s any shame, guilt, fear, then the experience is not going to be good for anybody.

And for those that these conversations might still be difficult to have, there is support out there and it just takes a little bit of researching and asking for that support to be able to move forward and have a new experience in their life. It’s about total acceptance. Acceptance of self, our partner, and humanity.

“It’s about the fun, the fun, the joy, the happiness and no matter where we are in the relationship, we can always keep moving towards more of that to truly explore who we are as human beings. And sex is a big part of that.”

The “S” Word Is it fair game for your conversations?

Bring Back That Lovin’ Feeling

One Thing for Romance

Dr. Cheryl Fraser – Become Passion Course

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“If I had an expectation that something that happened in years gone by in our relationship, and I wanted that same experience now… chances are it was because I wanted to take from that experience instead of giving to it.”

How can I give more to create a similar experience now? How do you want things to turn out? You must be able to pay that price, and it’s often not monetary. It tends to be our thoughts and attitudes, then being okay with the decisions that we’ve made.

When we’ve got something we really desire, coming up with the funds becomes easier. Clarity and knowing what we want takes time and introspection. What is it that we really want? We tend to focus on what we don’t want instead of what we do want. That introspection is not always easy!

Value yourself enough to communicate with someone else.  Let go of past assumptions or filters.  If I want love, I need to give love. If I want joy, then I need to give joy and give joy, then those around me that are vibrating like that will give joy as well. It starts with me again. External perspectives and conversations are so critical for open and honest conversations. It’s not a sign of weakness.

“When I give from a space of love, joy and kindness and true giving, I feel and get the rewards back based on how I feel.”

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Preparedness gives us a level of okay-ness with dealing with whatever situation comes up knowing you have some skills. Take CPR training, for example. We need to be ready to do it, but hopefully we never have to run into a situation requiring it personally. Conversations with your significant other can be similar when it comes to uncommunicated and unmet expectations.

Sometimes those expectations can be like a thorn, stuck to us... imprisoning at times. We must let go of the attachment and pull the thorn out. Let it drop, be free. Taking a second or two to breathe allows you to be more prepared for whatever comes and allows you to react better.

“By being prepared, we don’t end up feeling like a victim when something outside of us changes the plan.”

Take ownership of your thoughts, actions and feelings. This process takes some deep conversations and accountability, and certainly won’t change things overnight. But we promise you it’s worth it.

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If you think it’s your job to make someone else happy, that’s a huge burden that will never be fulfilled. It can be a drastic downward spiral because we’ll miss our own happiness in the process. If we strive to make that our goal, we will lose our own joy. Or our happiness will revolve solely around their own! Invite the ownership back to you – it's all about ownership and responsibility for our own experiences.

“True satisfaction really takes work on my part to be really present and to know what it is I want instead of what others want from me.”

Inner focus allows us to move into those other experiences of joy and happiness. If I can be feeling good about who I am and what I’m doing in the moment, that’s where I can find happiness. Be in the moment! Not attached to the past or future, but the present. It’s not a result of external circumstance, its truly from living in the moment. There is no path to happiness, happiness is the path.

How I stopped trying to control my partner and took responsibility for my own happiness

Happiness is a Choice

2 Unkept Secrets for Lasting Happiness

What Does Happiness Mean?  And Are You?

What is Happiness – Psychology Today

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Celebration plays a significant part of our lives and relationships. We bring traditions from our own families, and then tie them into new ones. But combining family routines can be overwhelming. You must understand that others are bringing their own anticipations and expectations to the event and give space to share their experience as well. Open the conversation by asking - what are some of your past experiences? What do you like? This dialogue in the moment can create space as well.  

Being willing to stop and say – “What is this celebration about? Why am I celebrating? Does it have to be the way it was in the past?” is huge! It’s a big awareness piece.

One of the gifts of celebration is the ease of it as well. Coming away going “Wow, that was amazing” instead of “Wow I’m glad that’s over!”. Planning ahead of time – not just the logistical stuff but what we want to feel and experience through that celebration time. It’s about communicating about it honestly and openly, both parties sharing what we want to experience. Then, putting plans in place so we’re anticipating that and experiencing it as we go.

Time is our greatest gift. Be intentional in how you celebrate! Put that into practice and be celebratory this year.

Dreaded Drama Triangle podcast

Love Bucket

Rituals in Relationships

The Small Miracle of Gratitude – Arianna Huffington

How To Have A Restful Holiday – Gottman Institute

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Our habitual use of words programs our minds to think, speak and behave in specific ways. This programming is often unconscious and incongruent, causing conflict and stress. Selfishness comes from needs not communicated with the other person and can be a point of judgement. It’s about unmet expectations of ourselves - we haven’t stopped to think about them and communicate them.

“When feeling selfish, stop, recognize it and think - what if I were really being self-full instead? How would that impact my choices? It’s about honoring myself and knowing that. Patch my own holes. I’m a better person for it, nicer and kinder.”

One example to help explain this is the love bucket, both filling your own and others. When we allow the love to leak out of our own buckets, we get scattered, don’t sleep well, eat properly... and we allow outside things to trigger anger and frustration. It’s then the self-full part to recognize and patch your own bucket. Once we get to the point where we choose to keep it full, it helps give more out. We’re kinder and more respectful to self and others.

Imagine what our world would be like when people truly reframe that selfishness into self-fullness. To listen to their guts, intuition. To do the things that really feel their own love bucket. How amazing can we be when you and I and others do that.

Resources

Drama & Conflict in your relationship

Antidote to the drama cycle

Have You Filled My Bucket?: Daily Acts of Love Around the World 

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The start of a relationship happens in Spring. You only really see all the cool aspects of the other person and they have no flaws. We aren’t honest to ourselves about reality yet, but life sure is exciting. As we shift into Summer, we get deeper into conversations and honesty, cultivating a long term commitment.

“The amount of time we spend in any given season may change in regard to where we are in our life. What you and I experienced are different depending on age and experience in relationships.”

As we continue to compare relationships to all four seasons, you become more aware of how to work through each phase of life in it. Hope has something to do with these seasons, and the mini seasons within them all as well. Hope and passion is great in the mix of awareness of the humps we all face.

Imagine what the world can be like, what our lives can be, where we are each solid in our relationship, and in ourselves. Then we can see those ripples flow out to our family, friends, and workplaces. Build on that hope and frequency of love.

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“I feel empowered when I know I do have a choice. Regardless of what the world throws at me, the situations that we’re experiencing right now… at times I feel less than powerful, but I get the opportunity to own my own power and choose my steps at every moment.”

If we can add some curiosity and some laughter to this game of life, it would help us to make different choices. Recognizing that we have a choice in every moment, can be empowering, but also daunting. We are so pounded with stimulus every moment. Our brains cannot handle that to make second by second choices consciously.

Am I afraid to have these conversations? Am I choosing to be busy? Ultimately – what do I want? What do I fear? We’re all worthy of having our needs met. Be vulnerable to say what you really want, to speak your truth, and to do it in a loving gentle kind way.

What kind of world would it be like when we have life as our primary answer? No matter what happens love is always the answer.

Resources mentioned in this episode:

• Happiness is a Choice (video)
• Dreaded Drama Triangle (podcast)
• The Empowerment Dynamic (podcast)
• David Emerald's book called, The Empowerment Dynamic
• Make Friends With All Of Your Emotions

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We have two main kinds of rituals – big and small. Big R rituals are ones that occur on a regular basis and are celebrated on a society basis. These include birthdays, holidays, and big community events. Smaller r rituals are just as important, providing a purpose in our relationships. These include rituals you and your partner would establish separately and together. Meals, mediation, reading, morning coffee dates… all of this. An example of an individual ritual? Brushing my teeth! These are all just as important and bring stability in our daily lives.

“I feel the most stable when I know there are networks of people to support me, and I get together to celebrate the rituals!”

The pandemic has rattled everyone’s big and small rituals. This has shown the importance of establishing home rituals first. The key is finding the ones that work for you. Rituals are a conscious, intentional choice. It requires the willingness to adjust as necessary, baby steps. If it doesn’t work, no problem! Reevaluate and find something new.

When you find a ritual that works – celebrate! Even if it's just a simple acknowledgement. We did it!

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“It’s crucial to have that solid foundation at home, where I got you, and I can bounce ideas off of you and gain some clarity – for us to talk about them and are doable and are what we want.”

Then we become each other’s best support system and can acknowledge ourselves to each other and help along the way! Where does your focus go in a long day? Usually on what you didn’t do rather than what you did do.

The doubter inside of us isn’t always a bad thing – it is useful when I can take that as information rather than self-pity. Recognize the doubter and look at the event in perspective. What are the lessons here, what can I do differently next time? Same principles apply with failure! Hold awareness of the feelings and become committed to doing something a bit different. When we truly acknowledge ourselves and others and make doable baby steps toward our goals – we can set ourselves up for true success.

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“Connection is about feeling totally present in the moment. The choice to be present, the choice to be love.”

Connection is mental, emotional and spiritual. It takes courage to build connections. What is the safest place? Trust is a huge part of this, being kind and nonjudgmental allows others to feel safer. There’s a feeling of joy and support, I’ve got their back and they got mine.

Optimism and positive psychology can be learned. Our hurdles, our challenges are one-time events. Rather than being stuck in hopelessness, depression, develop ways to foster ways to get through our bumps and hurdles. Developing a glimmer of hope, that grows into more hope. As you go forward, I can’t change the past. But I can change this moment. All I have is this right now.

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“Be the change, not think about it or talk about it. Start being that. Then I notice it attracts other positive things – and in the moment, peace.”

Peace for me is a choice that I make, its who I’m being. It is a part of my being-ness. So how can we strategize choosing peace over other moods? First step – awareness. Categorize your feelings. Always take a breath, it allows you to think more clearly. Lastly, recognize that it is a choice. What am I missing out on by being here and not being peaceful? Love serves, it builds my energy, it builds other people’s energy. It can only happen right now.

Resources Mentioned This Episode: 

• Episode 8 - Drama & Conflict in Relationships
• Episode 9 - Antidote to the Drama Cycle
• Episode 13 - Fear Always Divides

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“I see myself and others as resourceful, as powerful, as having all they need to do what they want, as being accountable and totally owning their lives... or in my case, my life.”

“I am powerful, I am loving, I am joy”. Believing the affirmations is a critical piece of the process, and meditation is an excellent space for practicing these. A lot of it has been conscious – where we’ve changed these things around and developed such a solid relationship at home and I think these I am statements are a big part of it – where we can support each other. Incremental change is essential, change takes time.

Imagine how life will move like, sound like, and feel like as we’re consciously truly living them and feeling these affirmations out. Imagine.

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Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and truthful about our worries means that others may recognize their own struggles with self-doubt. It is easier to understand each other when we can empathize with one another. Fear may cause our divides, but opening up about our worries and insecurities can be something that brings us back together.

Resources Mentioned:

EP08  Drama & Conflict In Your Relationship? : Link
EP09  Antidote To The Drama Cycle: Link
EP12  Live Life As An Experiment: Link

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Being more conscious of our habits can help promote a healthier lifestyle, or more fruitful relationships. Committing to changing our routines is often easier said then done, but finding ways to "experiment" with different habits in a more light hearted manner can help ease our nerves into making positive changes.

Link to the Gottman Institute article about keeping the relationship fresh:
Pursue Your Partner At Every Stage of Marriage

Video links about setting goals, and other episodes mentioned:
How to Set Goals In a New, Exciting Way

Drama and Conflict In Your Relationship?

Antidote To The Drama Cycle
 

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How would it affect our relationship if we put in the same amount effort we normally do for Valentines Day everyday day of the year? What else would we learn about our partner, and even ourselves, if we were more attentive? Breaking up our weekly routine with more dates, and special evenings with our loved ones, can be a great way to add the spark back into our relationship. Even better, it can also help build up trust when things get tough.

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Whether it was a change in hobbies and personal commitments, a delay in plans for the near future, or a loss in a job or career; changing plans on the fly has become an important skill for everyone. Learning how to set goals while knowing you're not in control can help you keep focus when things seem overwhelming.

Finding normalcy during this year proved difficult, but we leave 2020 with knowledge that we can take with us for the next challenges that may come.

"Hope is a choice. Add in persistence, then you change the world."
 

Beginning of Year Retreat Video : Link

Carol's Article : Interested vs Invested

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These tools can help us to take a more positive second look at Karpman's roles and how finding awareness in conflict is the first step to finding a way out of it. Applying David's empowerment dynamics can help you keep focus on what's important and look at our egos in a more constructive way. 

These methods seem to help shift our perspective and help us come from a place of authenticity and compassion, which in turn will lead us closer to the relationship we really want.

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The Power of TED : Amazon

This episode we'll be discussing Karpman's Triangle, also known as "the Dreaded Drama Triangle" as a framing for how we approach drama and conflict in our relationships. When David Karpman and his team were researching transaction analysis and trying to determine what goes on in relationships when there is a conflict or a difference of opinion, they discovered that we often position ourselves in one of three roles: the victim, the persecutor, or the rescuer. And it is not uncommon for us to change our position within the Drama Triangle as we work through a conflict.

As a victim we can often feel hopeless or powerless, and might use guilt or shame. As a persecutor we might employ tactics of defensiveness, rudeness, or obnoxiousness, and as rescuers we offer help or solutions whether our partner needs it or not. Regardless of our position within the triangle, we're likely going to experience some feelings of resentment or anger, and if we don't identify and address it this can become a bit of a cesspool and a downward spiral.

Being able to identify that you're in the Drama Triangle is a great first step which helps unlock the freedom of being being able to choose a different way. Though that choice can only happen when we move past our ego and stop trying to justify where we are.

"What could I do differently in this moment?"

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The concept of money isn't something that a lot of children are familiar with. They see their parents walk into a store, swipe a card, and return to the car with: toys, candy, groceries and goods. It doesn't take much to shift their thinking into a basic financial framework, and there are a handful of ways you can help children grasp the world of personal finance a lot earlier than you'd think. It's all about the willingness to have the conversation, and laying it out in a way they'll understand.

One of the recurring setbacks is that people often believe money has to be a boring conversation, or at least too boring for children to be interested in. With a simple techniques like financial boardgames, discussing your kids' goals with them, and sparking that entrepreneurial spirit for them to get into the world and make their own money, you'd be surprised at just how interested they will become (and how much they'll learn along the way).

"It's about how can I support you, not just 'here's some money' and it's all better."

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Money is often a very taboo topic in our culture. Unfortunately, by leaving it at the bottom of the list of "things we should discuss," it can ultimately lead to creating a lot of unwanted tension in our relationships. Finances are important to discuss, because financial alignment also allows us to assess our personal goals, and see where they fit in the bigger picture.

Ways we can normalize talking about money can be easily introduced into our lives, but it will take some work, patience, and the willingness to understand what our relationship with money is. Whether we're a saver, or a spender, until we learn about our own views (and our partners) about personal finances, it will be hard to understand others. Fortunately, with a little practice, we can achieve freedom from the weight of our finances, and strengthen our bond with our partner in the process.

"It encourages and invites accountability."

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We may not realize it, but so many of us are stuck in the routine of focusing on the negative aspects of life. Whether we feel we don't have enough money, time, or haven't accomplished enough, it can be easy to trap ourselves in that mindset. The art of practicing gratitude, and the clarity we can acquire from reflecting on what we're grateful for, is a great way to reprogram our minds to focus on the positive.

As we start noticing just how much we can choose to be grateful for, the next step is taking that gratitude and sharing it with others. In doing so, we open the door to feeling thankful for the ones we share our lives with, and can achieve a state of bliss in our daily lives.

"Appreciation is the act of recognizing the worth of something or someone."

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Communication may be the single strongest tool we have to learn, grow, and share amongst ourselves. Without communication, there is no basis for understanding each other. That is why it's crucial to practice listening, and sharing, in a way that is constructive and beneficial to everyone involved.

As much as communicating and share our thoughts is important, the second piece of effective communication is listening. Yes, listening is just as important as articulating ourselves. Being a good communicator is also being a good listener. By learning how we communicate, and listen, we learn how to be a better person, and a better partner.

"The more responsive and open I am the better it is."

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Vision is such a pivotal part of achieving any goal. If you have a vision, then you have a heading, and with a heading you can strive to make small changes every day to bring you close to where you want to go. If we take the time to consider what our vision is, we also take the time to consider what it is we really want.

To expand this idea further, a shared vision for relationships creates a space for two people to understand their alignment, and how they can support each other as they build their dreams. It opens the door for honest discussion, and gives rise to conversation, understanding, and support. A shared vision may very just be the fundamental glue for a long, healthy relationship.

"It adds the joy, peace and harmony to our relationship."

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Accountability is often perceived as a personal level of self discipline. We are always told how important it is that we are accountable, but not always told given instructions on how to manifest accountability in your daily lives. 

A great way to keep ourselves accountable, is through open discussion in our relationships about what it is we are trying to be accountable for. By inviting our partners, friends, and family into our personal lives and encourage them to help us remain accountable to what we say we'll do, the joint ownership can actual help you achieve more than you thought it might. Together, we can hold each other accountable, and accomplish anything.

"None of us are in this world on our own."

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Relationships are often perceived as a collaboration between two or more people, but ultimately what we tend to forget is the most important part of what makes them successful is ourselves. It takes a strong foundation to support a relationship, and the journey outwards must first begin inward.

Once we begin to understand and nurture ourselves, we are then able to carry that growth into our relationships, experiences, and the world around us. To be a healthy collaborator means we have to first be aware, compassionate, and understanding of who we are. From there, we can truly begin to grow, and make the most of our connections with everyone around us.

"What can we control? What can we do?"

Heart of Relationships Diagram: Image

Ian Hill’s Website: website

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