Crafting Solutions to Conflict

Sherri Noxel on the challenges of family farms

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, Sherri Noxel) — Thu, 9 Apr 2026 01:00:00 +0000

Sherri Noxel joins me today to talk about the challenges of family farms. These family businesses encounter the familiar ones – including the role of nonfamily employees, succession planning, and addressing legacy issues. They also face circumstances not commonly found in other industries, most importantly, their special connection to the land where they work and, frequently, also live.

You can learn more about Sherri and her work here: https://www.enterprisinggenerations.com/

Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Conflicting money perspectives about giving

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 2 Apr 2026 01:00:00 +0000

We can have very different views about

charitable giving and that can lead to conflict.

Magic, easy answers will be elusive. But a few reminders can help. Know your own priorities and values and be true to them.

First, don’t be the passionate supporter who becomes the pushy one. If you are on the receiving end of the pushiness, you can decline politely – and completely. Or you can choose to give a more modest amount; in some situations –especially alumni giving – the percentage of eligible donors who contribute is important.

If the cause is one you don’t want to support at all because you just aren’t onboard, you can keep the lines of communication open. Perhaps you will learn more about the issue or group and reconsider.

If you find the cause to be in conflict with your values, you can choose to state that. You can choose simply not engage. Or you can think about other options.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Conflicting money perspectives about spending

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 26 Mar 2026 01:00:00 +0000

Fundamentally, it’s best to avoid a conflict. We are not required to form judgments about other people’s spending. We can let that go and focus on other things. And if we do form judgments, we can keep them to ourselves.

Both because we don’t know everything and because it’s not our job to judge.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Conflicting money perspectives about income

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 19 Mar 2026 01:00:00 +0000

We can have attitudes about other people’s income sources. And we can consider if and how we share our thoughts. Going back to my most recent guest, Natalie WagnerWillis: we need to be clear on our own priorities and values. How they apply to us internally, and how they connect us to others. Just labelling the other perspectives as wrong is unhelpful. Better to have both a clear understanding of one’s one perspective and an openness to learning about the perspectives of others.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Natalie WagnerWillis on crafting a right relationship with yourself and money

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, Natalie WagnerWillis) — Thu, 12 Mar 2026 01:00:00 +0000

Natalie WagnerWillis is my guest. Natalie is a certified money coach and Finologist. Her father, Dick Wagner, was the original Finologist. Natalie shares her origin story and how she has developed and refined her own understanding of how we can better understand our internal relationship with money andour connection with the rest of the world through the exchange of money.

You can learn more about Natalie’s work, try a money type quiz, and more at her website: https://vitalfinancials.com/ . You can find Natalie on LinkedIn here: https://www.linkedin.com/in/natalie-wagnerwillis-bb31502b/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Collaborative Practice -- application

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 5 Mar 2026 02:00:00 +0000

The International Academy of Collaborative Professionals offers this definition: “Collaborative Practice is a voluntary dispute resolution process in which parties settle without resort to litigation.” “Each party must be represented by a lawyer whose representation terminates upon the undertaking of any contested court proceeding.” https://www.collaborativepractice.com/

On the face of it, this sounds a lot like mediation. How is it different? Most important, mediation involves an impartial third party, a mediator. Attorneys may or may not be present. In Collaborative Practice, there is no mediator. And attorneys are always present. In fact, the key point is that everyone agrees at the beginning that each party will have a lawyer whose representation will end if anyone starts an adversarial court case. Mediations do not have that provision.

Although Collaborative Practice is most known in divorce proceedings, it can be used in other areas. Siblings may be at odds over estate settlement questions. Courts will focus on legal issues. Yet the emotional piece is important, too.

Other fields where emotions can run high and jeopardize sound decision-making can also benefit from Collaborative Practice. Serious workplace disputes and business ownership issues, in particular, are candidates.

Collaborative Practice is an additional tool to help resolve disputes. It doesn’t replace mediation, conflict coaching, arbitration, or litigation. It is an option.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Collaborative Practice – the basics

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 26 Feb 2026 02:00:00 +0000

From the website of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals: “Collaborative Practice is a voluntary dispute resolution process in which parties settle without resort to litigation.” The key point: “Each party must be represented by a lawyer whose representation terminates upon the undertaking of any contested court proceeding.” That written agreement is essential. https://www.collaborativepractice.com/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Peter Johnson on building family connection, well-being, and legacy

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Peter Johnson, Jane Beddall, Peter W Johnson) — Thu, 19 Feb 2026 02:00:00 +0000

Peter Johnson joins me today. We talk about his book, The Little Book of Family Treasure: Building Family Connection, Well-Being, and Legacy.

And Peter explains how collaborative practice, more commonly known in the field of divorce, brings great value to the area of trusts and estates.

You can learn more about Peter’s work here: https://pwjohnson.com/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Generations, Cohorts, and False Assumptions – Part 2

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 12 Feb 2026 02:00:00 +0000

Problems start when we make false assumptions about entire generations, entire cohorts, and the individuals we meet who fall into one of them.

So, what to do about it?

First, recognize what we are doing. Next, take a moment to consider why people in that generation or cohort might tend to have the viewpoints they do.

Consider how you can take into account this different perspective.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Generations, Cohorts, and False Assumptions – Part 1

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 5 Feb 2026 02:00:00 +0000

We hear plenty of stereotypes about generations. In cohort theory, the emphasis is not on rigid boundaries set by birth years, but on shared experiences. Generations and cohorts themselves don’t necessarily get us into trouble. False assumptions do.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

David Russell on Bridging the Generational Divide

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, David Russell) — Thu, 29 Jan 2026 02:00:00 +0000

David Russell joins me today. We talk about his book, Bridging the Generational Divide: Generational Perspectives on Money. David says that his book is intended as a guide for advisors who are navigating family wealth, values, and conversations across generations.

I say that it has valuable insights for anyone interested in these challenges. Advisors who are not financial advisors, family members, and others.

One of my favorite takeaways is the idea that our perspective is shaped not only by our age in years, but also by life events and world events.

You can reach David at his website: https://wealthandhonor.com/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Triggers – direct and indirect

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 22 Jan 2026 02:00:00 +0000

The direct ones are, well, direct. They are easy to see. Who wouldn’t be offended? Indirect triggers are trickier.

If I know the other person well, I may have a good guess at their indirect triggers. I can try not to create problems. I can consider those indirect triggers when I speak or don’t – or act or don’t.

If I don’t know the other person well, and I inadvertently hit an indirect trigger, I may know immediately, or not so soon. I could just assume that the other person is overreacting for no reason. That assumption doesn’t help either of us. Instead, we can take a breath, consider the possibility that I have unintentionally hit a nerve and give a little grace. Better for both of us.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Mitch Abrams on anger, aggression, and assertiveness

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Dr. Mitch Abrams, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 15 Jan 2026 02:00:00 +0000

Dr. Mitch Abrams joins me to talk about his book, I’m Not F*cking Angry!: adjust the flame to get what you want and need. We discuss the distinction between anger and aggression, and our perceptions of aggression vs. assertiveness. Plus, some helpful insights about apologies: as the person offering one and as the person on the receiving end.

You can learn more about his work and contact him through his website: https://drmitchabrams.com/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Fan favorites of 2025

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 8 Jan 2026 02:00:00 +0000

Three brief episodes from me. It’s just a coincidence that they published three in a row in the summer.

First, Episode 345, published on July 30, 2025, “Conversations, chats, discussions….” 4:23, http://bit.ly/40O1p1X.

Second, Episode 346, published on August 6, 2025, “First you make a plan”. 4:27, http://bit.ly/4fA7hlG.

Third, Episode 347, published on August 13, 2025, “… and then you get ready to pivot.” 4:13,http://bit.ly/4lyQEIr.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

When you are caught off guard

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 1 Jan 2026 02:00:00 +0000

The very words “caught off guard” set the tone. You are on defense. It’s a difficult conversation. Because you didn’t see this coming, you do not have a response prepared for this particular situation. Alice and Louise have some sound advice: be ready with a (my phrasing) “I’m not ready” type of response. Set yourself up to be ready to take a pause and engage your mind and not just your emotions.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

When you are prepared to respond

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 25 Dec 2025 02:00:00 +0000

My most recent guests, Alice Driscoll and Louise van Haarst, talked with me about their book, Smart Conflict: How to have hard conversations at work. They introduced their Five R Model: Reflection, Regulation, Readiness, Response, and Repair. Thinking about Response. There are times when you know the likely path a difficult conversation will take. You may know the other person well. Or you may have had a variation of this conversation before. Or both. A prepared response can prevent us from feeling tongue-tied and then resorting to silence, or unhelpful body language, or blurting out something that will make matters worse. And the very act of preparation is helpful, too.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Alice Driscoll and Louise van Haarst on Smart Conflict, Part 2

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, Louise van Haarst, Alice Driscoll) — Thu, 18 Dec 2025 02:00:00 +0000

Alice Driscoll and Louise van Harrst join me today. We talk about their book, Smart Conflict: How to have hard conversations at work. Our conversation is in two parts.

Last time, in Part 1, we covered the foundation for the contents of the book and discuss and overview of the five Rs of their model. This time, in Part 2, we continue with a deeper dive into those five Rs – noting that it is possible to jump in wherever it feels right to you in the moment. You can learn more about their work at their company website: https://www.thepowerhouse.company/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Alice Driscoll and Louise van Haarst on Smart Conflict, Part 1

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Alice Driscoll, Louise van Haarst, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 11 Dec 2025 02:00:00 +0000

Alice Driscoll and Louise van Harrst join me today. We talk about their book, Smart Conflict: How to have hard conversations at work. Our conversation is in two parts. Today, in Part 1, we cover the foundation for the contents of the book and discuss and overview of the five Rs of their model. And next time, in Part 2, we continue with a deeper dive into those five Rs – noting that it is possible to jump in wherever it feels right to you in the moment. You can learn more about their work at their company website: https://www.thepowerhouse.company/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

VUCA becomes VUCAA, courtesy of Peter Schein

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 4 Dec 2025 02:00:00 +0000

Way back in March 2020, I published two episodes about VUCA. VUCA V - U -C- A is an acronym describing a concept that was developed by the U. S. Army War College to describe the world after the end of the Cold War. A world that was more Volatile, V; Uncertain, U: Complex, C; and Ambiguous, A.

Peter Schein talked with me in Episode 361, published two weeks ago, about his book, Humble Inquiry: The Gentle Art of Asking Instead of Telling, which was published earlier this year.

In the book, Peter refers to VUCAA. That’s VUCA with an additional A. The second A stands for Anxiety.

Difficult enough to deal with volatility, uncertainty, complexity, and ambiguity. Anxiety affects our ability to handle every one of those.

What can we do about it all in the context of conflict?

We can start by recognizing that we come from different perspectives.

VUCAA may be our new norm. And, we will benefit from recognizing that we won’t all experience it or deal with it the same way. And we can exercise as much grace as we can muster.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Humility and Humble Inquiry: not quite the same

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Peter Schein, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 27 Nov 2025 02:00:00 +0000

My most recent guest, Peter Schein, talked with me about his book, Humble Inquiry: The Gentle Art of Asking Instead of Telling. Peter makes a distinction between Humble Inquiry and humility. The Humble Inquiry attitude does not require humility as a personality trait. Some of us do tend toward arrogance. Yet, that trait does not preclude the application of Humble Inquiry. Peter suggests thinking of Here-and-now Humility: accepting that there are times when we are dependent on each other for sharing information and achieving goals. No one needs to undergo a complete personality makeover to embrace the art and attitude of Humble Inquiry. But it would likely be good to move in that direction.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Peter Schein on Humble Inquiry

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Peter Schein, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 20 Nov 2025 02:00:00 +0000

Peter Schein joins the show to talk about his book, the third edition of Humble Inquiry: The Gentle Art of Asking Instead of Telling. Peter had previously written with his father, Edgar Schein, now deceased. We discuss the concept of humbly inquiring, instead of boldly telling, with the goal of building relationships. And we explore how Humble Inquiry is both an art and an attitude. You can learn more about Peter’s work at the Organizational Culture and Leadership Institute here: https://www.scheinocli.org/ . You can reach Peter at peter@ocli.org.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Holding off

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 13 Nov 2025 02:00:00 +0000

“Holding off” may seem to be the opposite of jumping in, but there are some other angles.

Holding off has a flavor of deliberate choice. I am thinking this through and reaching the conclusion that now is not the time. This is not the same as wimping out. It’s a decision based on a reasoned analysis.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Jumping in

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 6 Nov 2025 02:00:00 +0000

In the context of preventing and resolving bad conflict, “jumping in” will typically be a bad idea.

Why? Because it is fast. That’s the whole point. Life today both prizes speed and forces it as the world seems to change faster and faster. The problem? Fast serves us well when being chased by a tiger, but not so well in many other situations.

When we allow ourselves some time to actually think, with reason, our decisions tend to be better ones.

Occasionally, jumping in is exactly the right thing to do in the context of conflict. When there is misinformation. When there is genuine misinterpretation. When an essential piece of information is not yet available, but will be soon. We can jump in to suggest a pause.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Buddy Thomas on Love, Wisdom, and Money

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Buddy Thomas, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 30 Oct 2025 01:00:00 +0000

Buddy Thomas joins me to talk about his book: Love, Wisdom, Money: The Family Fiduciary’s Guide to Generative Wealth. We discuss the higher standards of being a family fiduciary and how family leaders become one. Buddy also describes the phases of the intergenerational wealth journey the families can be found in: Accumulators, Harvesters, Stewards, Survivors, or Heirs.

You can learn more about his work and the book here: https://lovewisdommoney.com/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

To infer and to imply, part two

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 23 Oct 2025 01:00:00 +0000

To infer means to guess or use reasoning. Another definition is to conclude or judge from premises or evidence.

To imply means to suggest indirectly or to indicate something without actually stating it. I, the listener or reader, need to try to figure out the message that you, the speaker or writer, are sending.

And I might guess wrong.

Not only am I interpreting what I hear and read through my personal filter. I am also trying to read through the lines to understand what you are trying to tell me.

Double the trouble? Exponentially harder?

I don’t know. I do know that we can be careful about what we imply, and we can try to avoid creating unnecessary problems. And we can be aware of our filter and consider when it might be doing us more harm than good.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

To infer and to imply, part one

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 16 Oct 2025 01:00:00 +0000

My most recent guest, Gerry O’Sullivan, talked with me about her process, The Journey of Inference. As she puts it succinctly: “Our Journey of Inference interprets the world of observable data according to our unique perspective or paradigm.”

It’s clear from Gerry’s process and our conversation that our inferences can get us into trouble, precisely because we each carry a unique perspective or paradigm.

Dictionary definitions of infer are, if not quite unique, not fully consistent.

For example, one says infer means to conclude through reasoning. Another than infer means to guess or use reasoning. And yet another states

Infer can mean “to derive by reasoning; conclude or judge from premises or evidence.”

It’s that guessing, those premises, that can wreak havoc.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Gerry O’Sullivan on The Journey of Inference

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Gerry O'Sullivan, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 9 Oct 2025 01:00:00 +0000

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Gerry O’Sullivan, an experienced mediator and trainer of mediators, joins me. We talk about her process, The Journey of Inference. We talk about how our beliefs and world view shape it. Gerry explains how we move from observation to interpretation to assumption to conclusion and action. And Gerry uses stories to illustrate how specific questions can help us understand potential missteps on that journey. You can learn more about Gerry and her work here: https://www.osullivansolutions.ie/ You can also sign up for a free newsletter, view free videos, and get a taste of her book, The Mediator's Toolkit: Formulating and Asking Questions for Successful Outcomes (2nd Edition).

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Analyzing criticism

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 2 Oct 2025 01:00:00 +0000

Our initial reaction to criticism can be exactly that: a reaction more than a response. And it can be black or white.

Neither of those things tends to help.

Better. Remind yourself that very few things in life are genuinely black or white.

Take a pause. Take a breath. Take a look at the criticism. No need to beat up on yourself or on the other person.

View the criticism through a careful lens. One that includes analysis and also kindness to yourself and some grace to the other person.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

The Buddha’s response to rude or angry criticism

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 25 Sep 2025 01:00:00 +0000

In the story of the Angry Man, the Buddha illustrates how to disarm criticism based or anger or rudeness. A young man came to insult the Buddha, but the Buddha did not become angry or insulted. Instead, he calmly asked the man a question:

"If someone offers you a gift and you decline to accept it, to whom does it belong?".

The young man replied that the gift would belong to the person who offered it. The Buddha then calmly responded:

"And it is exactly the same with your anger. If you become angry with me and I do not get insulted, then the anger falls back on you. You are then the only one who becomes unhappy, not me".

Although we may be less calm, and might be wise to say nothing, the lesson remains: we don’t have to accept everything that is thrown at us.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Sam Osborne on beating the imposter syndrome

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Sam Osborne, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 18 Sep 2025 01:00:00 +0000

Sam Osborne joins me today. We talk about his book, How to Beat the Imposter Syndrome and Be Confident. We discuss the need to know your own values, how to deal with criticism positively, and how to believe in yourself when others don’t.

You can learn more about Sam’s work and find resources at https://www.selfworthsam.com/. Sam’s social media handle is selfworthsam.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Mediation's beautiful flexibility

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 11 Sep 2025 01:00:00 +0000

The mediation process can be tailored to the needs of the participants and the mediator. In fact, the process can evolve a bit over the course of multiple mediation sessions.

The process can be focused on a very specific, time-limited, dispute that has erupted. Or it can be all about damaging simmering tensions that are lurking beneath the surface – with no blow-up … yet. Different situations, different approaches.

The framework can be structured to the needs and goals.

Will we even use the word “mediation”? In my work, at times the word itself is thought to sound too harsh.

Serving the people in conflict well is the whole point. Taking full advantage of mediation’s beautiful flexibility furthers that goal.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

350 weekly episodes -- and counting

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 4 Sep 2025 01:00:00 +0000

When I started way back in January of 2019, conventional wisdom was that most podcasts die out after seven episodes. Now, over six years later, 90% of podcasts don’t make it past three episodes. They say that’s largely due to creators underestimating how much work is involved. When I launched the podcast, I knew that I wanted to have a voice about conflict. A positive and practical perspective. That's been my goal all along and it will continue to be. I remain convinced that we can all get more confident and more competent about dealing with conflict. There is plenty of work involved. To me, it’s worth the effort. I welcome your suggestions about potential guests.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Evaluative, facilitative, transformative: three types of mediation

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 28 Aug 2025 01:00:00 +0000

In mediation, an impartial person helps the people involved to reach an agreement that works for them.

Mediation is often said to consist of three main types.Some mediators stick quite closely to one approach. Others feel comfortable favoring one or another in different situations. The lines can blur in practice more than they do in theory.

Broadly speaking, the main “types” are evaluative, facilitative, and transformative. Transformative is the least well-known of them. A fourth, narrative mediation, pops up occasionally in discussions in the conflict resolution field.

Their names describe them well.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Phyllis Weiss Haserot, trailblazer and author, on cross-generational communication

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, Phyllis Weiss Haserot) — Thu, 21 Aug 2025 01:00:00 +0000

Phyllis Weiss Haserot joins me today. Phyllis has been curious about cross-generational communication for decades. She built on her natural ability with education and experience. We talk about the danger of making assumptions, the value in asking good questions, and the importance of continuing conversations.

You can reach her by email here: pwhasarot@pdcounsel.com, find her on LinkedIn here: https://www.linkedin.com/in/pwhaserot/.

Her website, https://youcantgoogleit.com/ , contains tips and insights, as well as information about her books.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

And then you get ready to pivot

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 14 Aug 2025 01:00:00 +0000

Last time, I talked about the virtue of making a plan.

The situation isn’t good. Bad conflict is brewing. You have decided that it’s time for a chat.

You want this chat to be productive. So how do you set up for success? One way to work through the set-up is to break it down. Why? Who? When? How? Where? What?

Excellent. You have made a plan. A good one.

Oops. As plans do, this one is about to fall apart. Something – or a few things – have changed.

Now what? You can use the same approach to figure out your pivot.

Of course, I have framed this all of this as considering how to set up for a productive chat and then pivot ahead of time.

If the pivot needs to happen after the chat has begun, resist any temptation to plow ahead. Give yourself and the other person (or people) a chance to take a pause. Reconsider and then figure out what that pivot should look like.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

First you make a plan

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 7 Aug 2025 01:00:00 +0000

Let’s imagine for a moment that you have decided that it’s time for a conversation, chat, or discussion.

One way to work through the set-up is to break it down. Why? Who? When? How? Where? What?

Giving careful thought to the planning process gives a boost to the probability of success.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Conversations, chats, discussions…

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 31 Jul 2025 01:00:00 +0000

We send a message by the language we use. In my work, some people don’t want to engage in mediation because they feel the connotation is too negative. But they are comfortable with the idea that I would be that trained, impartial third person who helps them navigate their way to a resolution. If that language works for them, it’s fine by me.

In informal settings, without a third party, what do you say when you want to broach a topic that might be challenging?

Can we chat? Are you open to a conversation? Do you agree we need to discuss … whatever it is. Is it time for a meeting?

Should we have a heart-to-heart?

We can be conscious of our choice of language to describe this proposed interaction. It sets the stage from the outset.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Chuck Wisner on The Art of Conscious Conversations

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Chuck Wisner, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 24 Jul 2025 01:00:00 +0000

Chuck Wisner joins me to talk about his book, The Art of Conscious Conversations: Transforming how we talk, listen, and interact. We discuss four conversations that help us become conscious of our internal and external dialogue. And how four essential questions can expose our hidden – and often harmful – internal thoughts, assumptions, and judgments.

You can learn more about Chuck and his work here: https://www.chuckwisner.com/ . You can find him on LinkedIn here: https://www.linkedin.com/in/chuck-wisner/ and on Instagram here: chuck_wisner.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

NVC – Connecting compassionately with ourselves

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 17 Jul 2025 01:00:00 +0000

Here’s a quote from Dr. Marshall Rosenberg’s book, Nonviolent Communication, A Language of Life, that sums up Connecting Compassionately With Ourselves: “When we are internally violent towards ourselves, it is difficult to be genuinely compassionate towards others.” To exercise self-compassion we can evaluate ourselves in ways that promote growth instead of self-hatred.

When we have been less than perfect, we can focus on a desire to enrich life for ourselves and others rather than to shame or guilt-trip ourselves. We can avoid “shoulding” ourselves.

We can recognize judgmental self-talk when it happens and then quickly focus our attention on underlying needs that may not have been met. Feelings and unmet needs may have stimulated past actions which we now regret.

When we acknowledge that possibility, we can better exercise self-forgiveness.

Going forward, we can then be conscious of what need is being served by the choices we make.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

NVC – avoiding communication that blocks compassion

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 10 Jul 2025 01:00:00 +0000

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg developed the concept of Nonviolent Communication – or NVC. His book, Nonviolent Communication, A Language of Life, begins with this quote, capturing the fundamental premise of NVC: “What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart.” Specific forms of language are identified as alienating us from our natural state of compassion, including moralistic judgments, making comparisons, and denying responsibility.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Ruschelle Khanna on Inherited Trauma and Family Wealth

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Ruschelle Khanna, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 3 Jul 2025 01:00:00 +0000

Ruschelle Khanna joins me to talk about her book, Inherited Trauma and Family Wealth: A Guide to Heal Your Relationships and Build a Lasting Legacy. We talk about her work as a family therapist and the four pillars of her ECHO Legacy Manifesto: Effective Communication, Compassionate Decision-Making, Honoring Resources, and Openness to Receive.

You can learn more about Ruschelle, the book, and her work here: https://www.lifestyleforlegacy.com/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Building on your strengths

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 26 Jun 2025 01:00:00 +0000

Two weeks ago, I published a conversation with Russell Harvey. We talked about his work and, specifically, his belief that resilience can mean more than simply bouncing back but springing forward – with learning. He brought up the idea of building on your strengths. Fundamentally, we are likely to be doing something well. Quite a few episodes ago, I talked about playing to your strengths.

Now, with Russell’s inspiration, I encourage you to not only recognize your strengths, but to build on them. Use them more often. Use them even sooner, when it seems warranted. Explore them more deeply.

Capitalize on what you are doing well.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

A learning perspective on conflict

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 19 Jun 2025 01:00:00 +0000

My most recent guest, Russell Harvey, talked with me about resilience. In fact, he defines resilience this way: “Resilience is the ability to cope with life’s challenges and become stronger as a result.”

What if we apply that definition specifically to interpersonal conflicts? A viewpoint that we can improve our “ability to cope with life’s conflicts and become stronger as a result”, to echo Russell’s words. I would say that it’s worth a try.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Russell Harvey on resilience – springing forward with learning

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Russell Harvey, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 12 Jun 2025 01:00:00 +0000

Russell Harvey joins me to talk about a new way to view resilience. Not just bouncing back, but springing forward with learning. I learn about Russell’s Resilience Wheel, a framework featuring seven different areas – each important individually and as they interact with each other. You can learn more about Russell’s work and see The Resilience Wheel at his website: https://www.theresiliencecoach.co.uk/ You can find Russel on LinkedIn here:https://www.linkedin.com/in/russelltheresiliencecoach/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Voices, votes, and vetoes

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 5 Jun 2025 01:00:00 +0000

We all want to be heard. In some cases, there is confusion about whether a voice is the same as a vote. It’s not necessarily so. Why allow the voice? That voice may have a different and valuable perspective. That voice may become a vote in the future and it’s wise to cultivate what can be gained by participation. That voice will not need to grumble underground in a negative way if it can be spoken out loud. Just as a voice is not a vote, it’s not a veto. If there is a temptation to shut down a voice because it seems it might have the influence of a veto, that’s an opportunity for reflection. Maybe anxiety over the voice – vote -- veto spectrum is a timely wake-up call.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

More connection, less friction

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 29 May 2025 01:00:00 +0000

Many conversations over time, with no thought of them ever being “completed” contribute to connection. The repeated touch points keep us linked. When we are connected, we create and cultivate a foundation. We create a common ground of shared experience. None of this is to say that we will experience a mind meld. We may hold different views that are difficult to reconcile. Disagreements are a part of life. But when I know more about you, even little things, I know you better. I know where your sore spots are. I will be better equipped to keep the friction down if I know you. I can learn to say things in a way less likely to set you off. And, of course, all of this applies in the reverse. If you know me better through those continuing exchanges, even if brief, you will be able to avoid unnecessary friction.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Steve Legler on 100 1-minute conversations

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Steve Legler, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 22 May 2025 01:00:00 +0000

Steve Legler joins me for a return visit. Steve was an early guest, in Episode 32 back on August 7, 2019.

Today we talk about the value of moving away from the concept of one big, multi-hour conversation on an important topic toward ongoing bite-sized conversations.

I appreciate Steve’s work and value his friendship. As you will hear, Steve was kind enough to be willing to record this episode when my voice wasn’t at its best.

You can learn more about Steve’s work and sign up for the blogs and newsletter that I enjoy here: https://stevelegler.com/. You can find Steve on LinkedIn here:https://www.linkedin.com/in/steve-legler-mba-fea-cpcc-259065a/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Anticipating, not dreading

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 15 May 2025 01:00:00 +0000

We may be well aware that an unpleasant conflict is brewing – perhaps simmering but not yet exploding. We can dread an explosion.

Or an explosion may have occurred. We can dread what comes next. Dread won’t help us. Anticipation will.

Anticipating by being as ready as we can be. Then, knowing that, facing whatever comes with as much calm and confidence as we can muster.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Keeping the dis out of disagreement

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 8 May 2025 01:00:00 +0000

One of my favorite new words is, of all things, disrespect, used as a verb. It’s not the same as a mere lack of respect. It’s more intense, more direct, and … more offensive.

We can feel disrespected when that wasn’t the intention. Especially now when so much of life can seem fraught, we can jump to feeling disrespected in a heartbeat. Plus the reverse: we can look, speak, write, and behave in a way that radiates disrespect. We can slow down and not leap to conclusions about someone else’s intent. Also, we need to pay close attention to the messages we send.

And keep the dis out of disagreement.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Kristen Heaney on supporting RisingGens through education and peer groups

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Kristen Heaney, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 1 May 2025 01:00:00 +0000

You can learn more about Kristen and her company on the company website: https://www.inthreegenerations.com/ You can also find them on LinkedIn and Instagram.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Finding calm in chaos -- theirs

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 24 Apr 2025 01:00:00 +0000

Last time, I talked about how each of us can find different methods for calming our own emotions. I have talked before about thinking through how to support the other person engaged with you in a challenging conversation to be their best self. Just like you, -- it’s true for all of us – they will be better able to analyze the situation and to make better decisions when they are calm.

So, what do you do about it? What you don’t do is tell them to be calm. More likely to irritate than soothe. What do you do?

First, be sensitive to the idea that they may have their own practices for calming themselves.

Next, be open to accommodating their calming practices as much as you are able. Not only can that willingness help them in that moment to better engage with you, that gesture can help the relationship itself. And the stronger the relationship, the more commitment people can have to handling inevitable disagreements that will pop up in the future.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Finding calm in chaos - yours

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 17 Apr 2025 01:00:00 +0000

I thank Cinnie Noble, who created the CINERGY conflict management model in which I am certified, for sparking this idea. In her most recent talk with certified coaches, Cinnie reminded us about the importance of allowing – and helping – brains to calm down.

When emotions are carrying the day, our ability to analyze a situation effectively and to make good decisions is compromised. We are simply not at our best. Conflict often feels like chaos to us. And chaos allows emotions to come to the fore. Calming your emotions when dealing with conflict is more than just a nice idea. It’s an essential piece of handling conflict effectively.

Next time, a few thoughts about that other person’s attempts to find calm in chaos.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Melissa Mitchell-Bliss on healthy boundaries

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Melissa Mitchell-Blitch, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 10 Apr 2025 01:00:00 +0000

Melissa Mitchell-Blitch joins me. We talk about her book, In the Company of Family: How to Thrive When Business is Personal. Melissa shares some thought-provoking concepts about healthy boundaries that apply to family business relationships and truly any kind of relationship. Ideas about responsibility, hurt vs. harm, and true guilt vs. false guilt.

You can learn more about Melissa’s work here: https://melissamitchellblitch.com/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Choosing the best mode of communication

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 3 Apr 2025 01:00:00 +0000

In my latest three solo episodes, I’ve talked about watching our spoken language, our facial and body language, and our written language. Often, we will have a choice about what mode of communication to pursue. It’s worth some careful thought. If we take advantage of the opportunity to carefully craft and review what we write, that’s a plus. Sometimes, our tone of voice and our facial and body expressions can soften a blow, express kindness in a way that is harder to do with written language alone.

If we know the person receiving the message we are sending, we may know what mode of communication works best for them.

You may be familiar with what some call the three-email rule. If the topic can’t be resolved and the conversation completed in three messages, it’s time to move on to another mode of communication: phone, video, or in-person.

Spinning your wheels in frustration is an invitation to conflict that you should decline.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Episode 327: Watch your (written) language

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 27 Mar 2025 01:00:00 +0000

We can carefully draft a message, set it aside, and then calmly review it to determine whether we like how it reads to someone receiving it. Because that is the point, isn’t it? Our own satisfaction with our wordsmithing is far less important than the message received.

Written language has a different risk from spoken language: our words can be shared, verbatim, immediately or eventually. Photocopies, scans, forwarded emails, copied texts. A reply to you, including your original message, with a blind cc. Our words can travel far and wide. We need to choose them with care.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Amy Castoro on “cordial hypocrisy”

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Amy Castoro, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 20 Mar 2025 01:00:00 +0000

Amy Castoro joins me to explore the concept of cordial hypocrisy. What it means and how families can avoid it – including the importance of creating, and cultivating, a family culture of open and honest communication. You can learn more about Amy’s work here: https://www.thewilliamsgroup.org/. Or you can reach out to Amy’s assistant here: joan@thewilliamsgroup.org.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Watch your (body and facial) language

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 13 Mar 2025 01:00:00 +0000

Last time, I talked about spoken language. This time it’s body language and facial language. You have likely heard that a very large percentage of our communication is not spoken. Some slips are things you know you shouldn’t do. Let’s focus on what to do about that.

Do you know that you are doing it? Try this. When you are talking on the phone with someone who can try your patience, watch yourself in a mirror. Not while driving, please.

But look and notice your face, your shoulders, and more. Are there facial or body actions that you are not really aware of? As with most things, awareness is the first step. If you now know you are doing it, you can work on reining that in.

Next, you may be doing something, and you are aware that it might be misinterpreted.

If others easily assume that I am miserable about something, they may be guessing wrong about what it is. So what should I do? Name it. Direct and accurate communication to counteract what is indirect and inaccurate.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Watch your (spoken) language

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 6 Mar 2025 02:00:00 +0000

Without much thought, we can use words and phrases that subtly or strongly convey meaning – and do unnecessary harm. A” blended family” is more positive than a “stepfamily”. “Always” and “never” are words that frequently cause harm (and are often inaccurate). “I” statements can lead to more positive conversations than accusatory ones. Vague words like “you” and “soon” invite trouble.

These examples aren’t meant to be exhaustive, but to illustrate how we can pay more attention to the words that we use and perhaps avoid some unnecessary bad conflict.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Emily Bouchard on helping blended families flourish

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Emily Bouchard, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 27 Feb 2025 02:00:00 +0000

Emily Bouchard combines her academic learning, professional experience, and personal awareness to serve blended families. We talk about reframing stepfamilies to blended families, ex-partners to former partners, and bonus parents – examples of the importance of careful language and intentional communication to enable families to thrive. And we hear a taste of Emily’s work with humans connecting with horses in transformational retreats.

Emily mentions her book, Beginner’s Guide to Purposeful Prenups. You can learn more about that and her work here: https://emilybouchard.com/

Her recent article about the challenge of gray divorce can be found here: https://www.craincurrency.com/family-office-management/gray-divorce-and-remarriage-can-make-things-complicated-family-office

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Overcoming a false start

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 20 Feb 2025 02:00:00 +0000

A false start in a conflict situation can appear in different ways. We can create a conflict where none existed or when we make a good faith attempt to resolve a conflict. Of course, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. A concept so fundamental that it was the focus of Episode 11, way back on March 13, 2019. But if a false start has occurred, remember and take advantage of the fact of the false start – emphasis on “start”. So, let’s start over. If you made an honest mistake, try an old-fashioned apology. Explain, if you can, what went wrong. If the other person refuses to engage with you and says so, consider offering a cooling-off period of some specific duration. An agreement to try again at a certain time or date. Take a break, a breather, a pause. If it’s just crickets, no response at all, think about a good length for a breather – from your perspective and the other person’s, too – and pick it. Take the initiative to try again at the end of that pause. It’s just the start. Too soon to give up. Worth it to try again and do what you can to set up for a better result.

Not a hill to die on

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 13 Feb 2025 02:00:00 +0000

There is widespread agreement that the phrase comes from a military engagement, though which one is the original is less clear. Fundamentally, what is the cost to take that hill, to hold the high ground. Then weighing it against the advantage. In interpersonal conflict, we can benefit by going through that analysis explicitly and thoughtfully.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Community Mediation: its power and challenges

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 6 Feb 2025 02:00:00 +0000

The general idea of Community Mediation is that trained volunteers work on neighbor disputes. The volunteer mediators are impartial. This approach can keep disputes out of court. And that’s the most common understanding of it. But community mediation can be much more. First, the individuals in a specific mediated dispute can experience a way to address disagreements and conflict beyond just hating a neighbor or getting the police involved, in one way or another. Many settings beyond neighborhoods can benefit. Not just individuals but groups and organizations can engage in mediation. And services beyond mediation can have great value.

The hard part is the funding, at least in part because it can be difficult to put a monetary value on problems solved, relationships improved, and government expenses avoided.

You can learn more about Community Mediation through the website of the U.S. based National Association for Community Mediation (NAFCM) https://www.nafcm.org/.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Maria Arpa on her journey from early conflict to “Peaceful Solutions”

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Maria Arpa, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 30 Jan 2025 02:00:00 +0000

Maria Arpa joins me to talk about her journey from a very challenging childhood to a mission to help families, organizations, and communities find effective solutions to problems. Maria is the creator of The Dialogue Road Map, which she uses in her own work. And it is critical to the deep engagement of the social change charity she created, the London-based Centre for Peaceful Solutions. Learn more about the Centre here: https://centreforpeacefulsolutions.org/ . And about her own professional work here:https://workplacehuddle.com/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Mediation defined, expanded, embraced

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 23 Jan 2025 02:00:00 +0000

Mediation is a flexible process. What matters is what works for the people involved and the mediator. That the people in conflict are in control of the outcome. That the mediator is impartial. That the people in conflict are treated equally. And that anything said in confidence to the mediator stays in confidence. Think about mediation creatively and expansively. It’s a good fit in many circumstances of conflict.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

What mediation isn't

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 16 Jan 2025 02:00:00 +0000

I’ve been diving into helping people handle conflict for many years. Decades now. Early on, more than a few people could get mixed up about mediation and meditation. Fortunately, I haven’t seen that kind of mix-up for a long time.

But here’s a perennial one: mediation and arbitration. Merriam-webster.com has this to say: arbitration is the hearing and determination of a disputed case by an arbiter. Or, arbitrator. Mediation is defined as intervention between conflicting parties to promote reconciliation, settlement, or compromise.

Fundamentally, mediators do not decide. Do not judge. Do not impose solutions.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Janet Ettele on How Joyous Effort Works

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Janet Ettele, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 9 Jan 2025 02:00:00 +0000

Janet Ettele joins me to talk about her new book, How Joyous Effort Works. It’s the fourth in her How Life Works series. Through her books, Janet presents an accessible introduction to Buddhist principles, using the timeless power of story.

You can learn more about Janet’s work, including her books, here: https://janetettele.com/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Fan favorites of 2024

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 2 Jan 2025 02:00:00 +0000

Here are three short episodes that were particular favorites this year.

“The problem with perceptions” June 5, 2024 4:46

https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/podcast/episode-283-the-problem-with-perceptions?rq=284

“Not enough of a good thing” August 14, 2024 4:15

https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/podcast/nbspepisode-294-not-enough-of-a-good-thing?rq=294

“Satisfying vs. productive” December 11, 2024 4:00

https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/podcast/episode-312-satisfying-vs-productive?rq=312

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website:

https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

The Golden Rule concept in ten world religions

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 26 Dec 2024 02:00:00 +0000

Christianity’s Golden Rule, to do unto other as you would have them do unto you, is woven into nine other world religions (at least).

Here’s the source for the phrasing in this episode: https://www.scarboromissions.ca/golden-rule/golden-rule-across-the-worlds-religions You can buy a poster there, too.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website:

https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Kelly McDonald on working with people not like you

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Kelly McDonald, Kelly C. McDonald) — Thu, 19 Dec 2024 02:00:00 +0000

Kelly McDonald joins me to talk about her book, How to Work With and Lead People Not Like You. We talk about her take on constructive conflict and some fascinating and compelling research about the challenge and benefit of working with people not like you. You can learn more about this book and Kelly’s other books here: https://www.mcdonaldmarketing.com/ .She invites connection requests on LinkedIn here: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kellycmcdonald/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website:

https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Satisfying vs. productive

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 12 Dec 2024 02:00:00 +0000

Satisfying or productive? In a way, an expansion on the idea of stopping yourself from uttering that clever, snarky comeback. Definitely might be satisfying, but unlikely to be productive. More likely to be harmful: creating a conflict, exacerbating one, or laying the groundwork for trouble by creating ill feelings.

In addition to snarky comments, consider actions, inactions, delays. From a conflict perspective some tempting words and acts may feel good – in a bad way – and be quite damaging.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website:

https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Rabbi Daniel Cohen on legacy

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Rabbi Daniel Cohen, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 5 Dec 2024 02:00:00 +0000

Rabbi Daniel Cohen joins me to talk about his book, What Will They Say About You When You Are Gone?: Creating a Life of Legacy. We discuss how we all create that legacy every day, even in the smallest moments. We talk about reverse engineering your life, anticipatory kindness, and Elijah moments. You can learn more about the book, Rabbi Cohen’s new podcast, radio work, and The Legacy Academy at his website: https://www.rabbidanielcohen.com/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website:

https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Grateful is good; let's add gracious

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 28 Nov 2024 02:00:00 +0000

It’s Thanksgiving week here in the U.S. We are encouraged, of course, to reflect on what we can be grateful for. There is more focus on our inward directed reflection than on expressing our gratitude to those around us. When we do look outward, in our interactions with others, can we try to add gracious to grateful? Not just because it would be nice. Being gracious now may lead us to be grateful down the road for nasty conflicts prevented or more easily defused.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website:

https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Accepting a lousy option

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 21 Nov 2024 02:00:00 +0000

When you are truly stuck with a lousy option and need to accept it, what process can you follow?

First, acknowledging the frustration. The grief. The loss. Second, trying to keep the finger-pointing and blame to a minimum. Backward-looking “if onlys” don’t help. Third, trying to keep the focus on the future. Whatever that was now going to be. If there were lessons to be learned, trying to absorb them with grace and intention. Finally, keeping priorities clear. If the relationships matter, doing what needs to be done to repair and strengthen them.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Can you or should you "control your emotions"?

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 14 Nov 2024 02:00:00 +0000

The idea that we can control our emotions is both unrealistic and potentially damaging. We can try to shut them down or bury them. But they won’t go away. They can corrode or explode. Better to make sure that our emotions do not control us – and our behavior. We can recognize the emotions and their effect on us. Then work to make sure we don’t give up our agency to them.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

The challenge of being humble or gracious

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 7 Nov 2024 02:00:00 +0000

It’s good advice to “be humble in victory and gracious in defeat”, a phrase credited to Chrisopher Earle. Humble: no gloating, no mocking. Gracious: accepting the outcome, no blaming those who enforce the rules fairly, no finger pointing at your teammates. But both can be tough to do, especially in the current political climate in the U.S. Which leads to another quote: “If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.” That might be the best option in interactions with those who have a different political view from yours.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Empathy, sympathy, and pity

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 31 Oct 2024 01:00:00 +0000

Empathy is demonstrating an understanding of another person's feelings and needs. Sympathy shows concern for another person’s misfortune, but not necessarily with the same connection. Pity can be sympathy with judgment or condescension. Empathy can be very helpful in the conflict context. Sympathy may be helpful. Pity can create or worsen problems. We need to be careful about what we are feeling and very careful about what we are projecting.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website:

https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

John Ford on The Empathy Set

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (John Ford, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 24 Oct 2024 01:00:00 +0000

John Ford is a seasoned mediator. He also describes himself as the purveyor of The Empathy Set. These are tools to help answer the fundamental questions that so often lie behind conflict: What are we feeling and what are we needing. The tools include cards, an app, a dictionary and very cool talking sticks. We discuss how to use these tools effectively. To learn more about The Empathy Set and access free resources, visit https://www.empathyset.com/ You will also find there information about The Empathy Set app, which is free to download.

Visit https://www.johnford.com/ to learn more about John’s work.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on X @conflictsolving.

Noticing conflict patterns – location

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 17 Oct 2024 01:00:00 +0000

When we are in ongoing relationships, such as those in an extended family or family enterprise, we should be on the lookout for conflict patterns. Is there a pattern to when we frequently end up in a bad conflict? A location can set up challenges in at least three different ways.

First, a certain location can be the site of a previous dust-up, disappointment, or even tragedy. Revisiting that particular location can be difficult – possibly for some people and not others. Second, some locations reflect an important power imbalance. Think home teams in sports events. If one person is on their home turf, and others clearly are not, the others may start in a defensive crouch before any interaction at all! Third, some locations are just filled with distractions. A location can also create opportunities for uninvited listeners.

Noticing patterns based on location can help prevent unnecessary negative conflict. But we do need to keep our eyes and ears open.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Noticing conflict patterns – timing

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 10 Oct 2024 01:00:00 +0000

When we are in ongoing relationships in an extended family or family enterprise, we should be on the lookout for patterns. Is there a pattern to when we frequently end up in a bad conflict? Which is probably easier to notice than when we don’t end up there.

One easy-to-detect factor is timing. Are meetings scheduled at a time of day that is primed for frustration? Are participants in decision-making given ample time to prepare for making them? Noticing patterns and taking helpful steps from what we learn from those patterns can lessen the likelihood of unhelpful conflicts.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Marking – and even celebrating – progress in disputes and conflicts

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 3 Oct 2024 01:00:00 +0000

In the context of a dispute or conflict, we may easily overlook progress. We might miss markers all together. We may see them but dismiss them as no big deal. Baby steps matter. How?

First, though they may be only slight improvements, they are improvements.

Second, they usually indicate some success in those who are in conflict working together in some small way.

Third, marking that progress – and celebrating it in some even minor way, helps to cementthe progress. To support momentum.

And perhaps most important, where the relationships matter, any kind of joint celebration is good.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Episode 300 of Crafting Solutions to Conflict

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 26 Sep 2024 01:00:00 +0000

Most podcasts don’t last as long as mine. Some recent statistics are available here: Podcastpage.io https://bit.ly/3THcApJ. Why have I been publishing every week for five and a half years?! I think it breaks down to three things.

First, understanding conflict and helping people deal with it better is my passion -- and has been for decades. Second, the podcast gives me the opportunity to talk with amazing guests. Third, less modestly, I have been working as a conflict specialist, continually learning about conflict and communication, and thinking about it all for a long time …. And, well, I have a few insights of my own to share.

Here are three short episodes that have been particularly popular. First, Episode 6 “Conflict: the good, the bad, and the ugly.” Published on February 6, 2019. 5 minutes. Second, Episode 49: “Let it go”. Published on December 14, 2019. 5 minutes. Third, Episode 256: “We reap what we sow”. Published on November 22, 2023. 4 minutes.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Kristin Keffeler on The Myth of the Silver Spoon

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Kristin Keffeler, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 19 Sep 2024 01:00:00 +0000

Kristin Keffler joins me for this episode. Kristin is the author of The Myth of the Silver Spoon: Navigating Family Wealth & Creating an Impactful Life. We talk about Kristin’s personal, educational, and professional journeys – and how those threads come together to inform her writing and her work today, especially for Rising Gens in financially significant families.

Kristin gives us a brief introduction to the discipline of positive psychology. And she shares a few words about the book she co-authored with James Grubman and Dennis T. Jaffee, Wealth 3.0: The Future of Family Wealth Advising.

You can learn more about Kristin and her work on her LinkedIn page: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kristin-keffeler-msm-mapp-245a21/. Her books are available through Amazon and independent bookstores.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

The dangers of shorthand

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 12 Sep 2024 01:00:00 +0000

Last time, I talked about the alure of a common language. On the plus side, this shorthandsaves time. A common phrase conveys meaning quickly.When I use it, I demonstrate that I know the lingo of this group. We feel a sense of connection when we use our own group language. What could go wrong? A few things. What if some people are brand new to a group and don’t know the lingo? Will they feel unwelcome? Not sure about speaking up and saying, “I don’t understand”? What if the obvious meaning was clear at one time but times have changed and it’s not so obvious now. Or it now feels a little offensive? And what about times when we would like to include those who aren’t part of the established group. Situations where a general phrase just doesn’t convey enough and each person speaking or listening fills in some understanding – and maybe quite different ones!

The possibility of shorthand doing more harm than good is real. Best to be sure that using shorthand has more benefits than disadvantages.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

The allure of a common language

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 5 Sep 2024 01:00:00 +0000

Similar ideas expressed differently across groups/identities/fields of interest. Words that are familiar and well-understood within a group. That common language. Shorthand. Lingo. Jargon, even. Why do we do it? It saves time, that precious commodity. It can be a signifier: I understand the language of this group. And it reinforces our connection to each other within the group: this is the way that we talk.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Douglas Squirrel on Agile Conversations

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, Douglas Squirrel) — Thu, 29 Aug 2024 01:00:00 +0000

Douglas Squirrel joins me to talk about the book he co-authored with Jeffrey Frederick, Agile Conversations: Transform Your Conversations, Transform Your Culture. And we discuss an atypical definition of trust, five types of conversations, and what he means by this phrase: “bust your coherence”. You can learn more about the work that Squirrel (as he likes to be known) does and find resources here: https://douglassquirrel.com/. You can learn more about the online community where tech and non-tech executives can learn together here:https://squirrelsquadron.com/.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Using the LARA method to navigate conflict

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 22 Aug 2024 01:00:00 +0000

LARA is a communication and conflict resolution method.

Listen: First listen with the intention of truly understanding what the person is saying. Affirm: Find something in what the person has said or implied that you share and affirm that. Respond: Directly address the concern that was voiced or the feeling behind it. Ask open-ended questions and then add new information, new perspective or personal experience.

These links have some concise information about LARA. https://www.eatrightillinois.org/assets/Diversity/LARA%20Method.pdf

https://www.fatherly.com/life/lara-communication-method-couples

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Not enough of a good thing

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 15 Aug 2024 01:00:00 +0000

Usually, we hear about too much of a good thing. Of course, we might not all agree on whether something even is a good thing. Three separate ideas have cropped up recently about our needing more of something that I, at least, believe is a good thing.More of what we don’t prefer, more polite disagreement, and more benefit of the doubt.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Karen Valencic on Akido and conflict, plus her Spiral Impact method

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Karen Valencic, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 8 Aug 2024 01:00:00 +0000

Karen Valencic joins me to talk about Akido and conflict, power and force, and the new black belt edition of her book Spiral Impact: The Power to Get It Done with Grace. You can learn more about Karen and her work here: https://www.karenvalencic.com/. Conflictmastery.com will take you to: https://www.karenvalencic.com/membership-site-optin. Find Karen’s profile here: https://www.linkedin.com/in/karenvalencic/ . Contact Karen directly here: karen@spiralimpact.com

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Resisting and embracing polarities

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 1 Aug 2024 01:00:00 +0000

Polarities represent an ongoing situation. They come in pairs. They are interdependent: you need them both, over time. Easy example: inhale and exhale. Harder: when two people see things differently and each one strongly prefers the pole opposite to the one the other person prefers. We can have a natural – initial – tendency to resist seeing polarities where they exist. When we embrace polarities – even if grudgingly at first – we can make real progress. Recognizing that both poles have benefits andthat consistently tipping too far toward either one leads to negative consequences.

Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

The right questions as well as the right answers

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 25 Jul 2024 01:00:00 +0000

Paraphrasing my most recent guest, Cathy Carroll: coaches work to have all the right questions, not all the right answers. But when this particular challenge is part of an ongoing relationship, it’s wise to focus on questions before jumping to answers. Asking yourself,what really matters here? What are my interests? My priorities? Is this issue deeply important to me? We often hear about the value of curiosity. Ask the other person. What are their ideas about this situation and how best to deal with it? Their priorities?

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Cathy Carroll on the Hug of War of effectively leading a family business

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Cathy Carroll, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 18 Jul 2024 01:00:00 +0000

Cathy Carroll is a leadership coach specializing in family businesses. We talk about her brand-new book – the title says it all. Hug of War: How to Lead a Family Business With Both Love and Logic. You can learn more about Cathy’s work and her book here: https://www.legacyonward.com/.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Flexibility requires structure

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 11 Jul 2024 01:00:00 +0000

Structure – of some kind – is an essential element of a model or framework. How would flexibility work without structure? I doubt that you would call it flexibility – the very word suggests a change from something. If there weren’t something solid to start, how could you change from it? It wouldn’t be flexibility then – just confusion, chaos, indecision, meandering, fog. But models, frameworks, processes provide the structure that flexibility requires. Structure without flexibility? That’s also too much of a good thing. Rigid, unwavering, cookie-cutter approaches? They also invite failure.

Not a spoiler alert, but a hint and a heads-up: stayed tuned for more in the coming weeks about polarities – such as structure and flexibility. Like looking at structure and flexibility as concepts to view in harmony, not in conflict.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Paul Edelman on his COImpAct decision-making model

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Paul Edelman, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 4 Jul 2024 01:00:00 +0000

Paul Edelman talks with me about how he works with clients to make more informed decisions, generating better results. We discuss his proprietary COImpact model, a process for better decision-making. Paul used his experience in a variety of settings to create the Context, Outcomes, Implications, and Action model – considering what he had seen to work well … and not so well. You can learn more about Paul’s work here: https://www.edelmancoaching.com/ You can email him here: paul@edelmancoaching.com and call him here: 508.847.5300.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

I'm calmer, you're calmer

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 27 Jun 2024 01:00:00 +0000

Our emotions affect the emotions of the person we are talking to in times of stress or conflict. It’s a two-way street. Wildly oversimplifying the neuroscience of it: when we are physically near each other, we are picking up on the hormones that the other person is experiencing.

If only one of us steps aside from the negative emotions, it can have a positive effect on the other person.

When I’m calmer, you are calmer. When you are calmer, I am calmer. You can think of it as breaking the negative cycle. Or, reorienting the cycle from negative to positive.

You don’t need the other person to agree for you to be calmer. You don’t need to name it. By all means, do not say: “Just calm down!” Just focus on calming yourself. As you do, you will be able to reap the benefits directly and the other person, indirectly.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

It’s not the stimuli, it’s …

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Natalie McVeigh, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 20 Jun 2024 01:00:00 +0000

My most recent guest, Natalie McVeigh, talked with me about the neuroscience of stress and conflict. Here’s one excellent idea to highlight from our conversation. To paraphrase:

There’s a lot of research on stress, and this one conclusion is key --

It’s not the stimuli, it’s our response to those stimuli.

First step, be aware. What am I feeling? Is my body telling me that I am stressed? Second step, try to understand what about that stimulus is stressing you. What is the perceived threat? Figuring that out may take a moment. So, buy some time. Take a breath. As a few minutes pass, you are allowing your body to calm itself. Ask a question, calmly. Ask more. Get some clarification. Try to unearth what stressed you. To get to a place where your body drops down from high alert to a calmer place.

A place where you can then be able to more easily say and do things that will serve you better and will not invite or exacerbate unnecessary negative conflict.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Natalie McVeigh on the neuroscience of stress and conflict

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Natalie McVeigh, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 13 Jun 2024 01:00:00 +0000

Natalie McVeigh joins me to talk about her interest in the study of neuroscience of stress and conflict and how she uses what she continues to learn about human brains, emotions, and stimuli in her work with families as a coach, consultant, and mediator. And she helps to bust a few brain myths. Here are some key points Natalie made: perception is everything. When we think about conflict we should focus not on the stimuli (which can very rarely control), but on our response to stimuli. We are 100% irrational. Our beliefs follow our behavior.

Natalie recommended two books by Neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett: How Emotions Are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain andSeven and a Half Lessons About the Brain. She also mentioned Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them by Karl Pillemer.

Find her on LinkedIn here: https://www.linkedin.com/in/nataliemcveigh/

Find Natalie at EisnerAmper here: https://www.eisneramper.com/about-us/professional-directory/natalie-mcveigh/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

The problem with perceptions

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 6 Jun 2024 01:00:00 +0000

My perceptions are mine and yours are yours. Nothing will change that fundamental fact. Our perceptions are – logically and inevitably – deeply affected by our experiences, assumptions, and expectations. When we see important things in deeply different ways, we have options. We can take a more positive approach.

First, we can recognize and accept that we have different perceptions. Second, we can work to avoid the risk of damage to the relationship that comes with immediately assuming that our perception is necessarily better in some way than the other person’s. Third, we can be open to more deeply understanding the other person’s perceptions.

We may find that one or both of us can be influenced by new information and more easily value other viewpoints. We may start to see things a little differently. Even if we don’t, we can move toward respect that these varied perceptions are present, they are unique, and they will have a vital role to play in whether disagreements become creative, good conflict or damaging, bad conflict.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Free resources to learn about conflict

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 30 May 2024 01:00:00 +0000

Here are some free resources to learn about conflict: Association for Conflict Resolution is here: https://acrnet.org/

Its Greater New York Chapter (ACR-GNY) can be found here: https://www.acrgny.org/ You can sign up for their monthly roundtable and find recordings of past roundtables there.

The NYC-DR listserv has a wide range of posts. To join this listserv, or to sign up for the digest [i.e. one email daily], go to: http://listserver.jjay.cuny.edu/. To access listserv archives, go to: http://listserver.jjay.cuny.edu/archives/nyc-dr.html. Please register the first time you access the archives. For additional assistance contact the list administrator, Prof. Maria Volpe of John Jay College at: mvolpe@jjay.cuny.edu, 212-237-8693.

You can find Mediate.com here: https://mediate.com/

The Program on Negotiation at Harvard Law School can be found here:https://www.pon.harvard.edu/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Blaine Donais on the meaning of “conflict”

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 23 May 2024 01:00:00 +0000

Blaine Donais joins me to talk about a different definition of “conflict”. Blaine suggests that conflict is a perceived injurious event. We break down the three parts of that phrase and what they mean in practice, particularly in the workplace. Blaine mentions some excellent resources that inform his work:

“The Emergence and Transformation of Disputes: Naming, Blaming, Claiming”, article by Bill Felstiner, Rick Abel, and Austin Sarat

"Social Conflict: Escalation, Stalemate, and Settlement", book by Dean Pruitt, Jeffrey Rubin,and Sung Hee Kim

"Getting Disputes Resolved: Designing Systems to Cut the Costs of Conflict", book by William L. Ury, Jeanne M. Brett, and Stephen B. Goldberg

"Designing Conflict Management Systems: A Guide to Creating Productive and Healthy Organizations", book by Cathy A. Costantino and Christina Sickles Merchant

"Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most", book by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen

To contact Blaine and learn more about his work, visit: Workplace Fairness International, https://workplacefairness.ca/ .

Blaine’s June 6, 2024, online roundtable breakfast presentation for the Greater New York Chapter of the Association for Conflict Resolution is “The EvolvingWorld Of Workplace Conflict Management”. Register for free here:https://acrgny.org/event-5727648. Later, you can access his presentation (and many others) in the ACR-GNY roundtable archives, here: https://acrgny.org/RTB-Videos.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Choosing inaction

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 16 May 2024 01:00:00 +0000

When we are faced with a situation – one that isn’t a problem at all but easily could become one, or is simmering, or volcanic, or somewhere on that spectrum – we may choose to do nothing about it. That’s a choice. Denial – refusal to admit that conflict is possible or currently exists – is not the same. It’s hard to see any circumstance in which denial is a good plan.

Why choose to do nothing? Maybe it’s not worth it to me to act because – on balance – the cost of doing something outweighs the cost of doing nothing. Another variation? Substitute “risk” for “cost”.If I risk nothing with my refusal to bend or even engage, heck, why would I? Inaction is a good choice.

Life is dynamic. Priorities change. Perspectives evolve. And the circumstances beyond our control can move in directions we never anticipated at speeds that surprise us. We might see the costs – or risks—of inaction tipping the balance toward action. Costs or risks that can be financial, reputational, emotional, health-related, involve harm to others we care about, or appear in any number of other ways. And then, the choice to do nothing may lose its appeal.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Judging other people’s tough choices

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 9 May 2024 01:00:00 +0000

My most recent guest was Khara Croswaite Brindle. We talked about her book, Understanding Ruptured Mother-Daughter Relationships: Guiding the Adult Daughter’s Healing Journey Through the Estrangement Energy Cycle.

One point that came up was the ease with which we can judge other people’s choices. This can happen in various situations, including estrangements, estate planning decisions, and succession planning in a family business. They share common pitfalls. First, so often, nothing good comes from these judgements. Next, we don’t know the whole story. Finally, as was so clear in my conversation with Khara, the fact that a choice was made never guarantees that it was an easy one for the person who made it. And not that it is easy to live with. In some circumstances, it will be best to explain the basis for the decision. Even if others disagree, there is an opportunity to understand. In others, that isn’t appropriate. Either way, the rest of us can try not to judge. Or, at least, we can keep our judgments to ourselves.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Khara Croswaite Brindle on Understanding Ruptured Mother-Daughter Relationships

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Khara Croswaite Brindle, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 2 May 2024 01:00:00 +0000

Khara Croswaite Brindle joins me to talk about her book, Understanding Ruptured Mother-Daughter Relationships: Guiding the Adult Daughter’s Healing Journey Through the Estrangement Energy Cycle. One point Khara stresses is the concept of Acknowledgement, followed by Apology, and then Action.

You can learn more about her work and the book here: https://croswaitecounselingpllc.com/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Easing in instead of jumping in

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 25 Apr 2024 01:00:00 +0000

When getting into a cold pool, lake, river, or ocean, some people want to jump in and some want to ease in. It’s a personal preference and it would be hard to say that one is genuinely better than the other. Challenging conversations may be different. Easing into a tough conversation is more likely to lead to a productive talk. If someone comes at me full steam ahead, my defensive mechanisms will jump up just as fast as the other person jumps in, talking. I can avoid assumptions. I can avoid blurting, spewing, unloading …. I can genuinely listen to what the other person has to say. Easing in. A better bet than jumping in when the focus is human communication.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Giving away the things that don’t matter

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 18 Apr 2024 01:00:00 +0000

My most recent guest, Michael Phillips, talked with me about his book, The Naked Negotiator. The book’s title comes from its focus on the basics: the principles that apply across the board to all sorts of negotiations. One idea Mike shared is “giving away the things that don’t matter.” If we think like problem solvers, and not like warriors, when we are engaged in a negotiation, we can more easily give away the things that don’t matter to us. If the other person cares a great deal about where or when to have a challenging conversation, and we don’t – why resist? And courtesy costs us nothing. We can be polite in a negotiation, even while we are being firm.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Michael W. Phillips on “The Naked Negotiator”

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Mike Phillips, Michael W. Phillips, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 11 Apr 2024 01:00:00 +0000

Michael W. Phillips joins me to talk about his book, The Naked Negotiator. Mike chose that catchy title to capture the idea that when you strip away the specifics of a particular challenge you find the bare bones – the basic principles of negotiation. To find Mike online, search for “naked negotiator”. On X or twitter: @negotiationguru. On LinkedIn: “Michael Phillips naked negotiator” will take you to his profile.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Let’s talk about gossip

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 4 Apr 2024 01:00:00 +0000

Can gossip have a good side? According to social scientists, even more fundamental than answering that question is accepting that we all do it and we have for many generations. Gossip can be good. Apparently, it depends on the context. Here are some ideas from an online article posted on NBC Better by Today: Psychologists say gossiping is a social skill. Here's how to know if you're doing it right.

https://www.nbcnews.com/better/lifestyle/psychologists-say-gossiping-social-skill-here-s-how-know-if-ncna1056941

“A good gossiper is someone who people trust with information and someone who uses information in a responsible way.”

Professor Robb Willer of Stanford University offers these takeaways to sum up his team’s research about gossip: 1. Think twice before you do it. Consider when you are doing it and who you are sharing information with. 2. Don’t gossip for personal gain. Just don’t. 3. Don’t distort the information. Just say it. It won’t be good gossip if the information is unreliable.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

WAIT: Why Am I Talking?

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 28 Mar 2024 01:00:00 +0000

Terry Teale, my most recent guest, mentioned a useful concept: the WAIT idea. That’s W. A. I. T. A very handy and easy to understand acronym. It stands for Why Am I Talking? We can take a little time, be comfortable with silence – even if only briefly – and think before speaking. Will my contribution to a discussion be relevant? Helpful? Is now the right time? Am I the right person?

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Terry Teale on “The Art of Mediation”

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Terry Teale, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 21 Mar 2024 01:00:00 +0000

Terry Teale visits the show this week. Terry is the co-author, along with Michael Fraidenburg, of "The Art of Mediation, Key Skills for New Mediators: Exploring Challenges, Growth, and Success in Mediation". We talk about viewing mediation as charting the course to positive change, golden questions, and understanding risk. You can learn more about their work and the book here: https://www.theartofmediation.org/ You will also find free access to a chapter!

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Practicing pause behaviors

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 14 Mar 2024 01:00:00 +0000

In our conversation about dealing with mercurial people, especially bosses, John Volturo (my most recent guest) shared insights about what to do to regulate yourself when you realize that you should take a pause before you are entangled in disagreement, or once you are. Pause behaviors can engage different parts of the body and different senses: eyes, ears, lungs, hands, and scents. It’s important to find what works for you, not someone else. Try out a few possibilities and then practice them, so you are ready when you need them.

To learn more about John Volturo’s work and to contact him, send him a message through LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/johnvolturo/.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Revisiting vs. ruminating

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 7 Mar 2024 02:00:00 +0000

When we have been involved in an unpleasant conflict with a person or people important to us, it’s not surprising if our thoughts return to a specific event or time period. Ruminating is running the same negative thoughts through your mind over and over. You don’t serve yourself well by ruminating and you don’t help the relationship, either. The same persistent negative thoughts, often self-critical, do nothing to address the conflict. By revisiting the situation in your mind, you could focus on what could have gone better. You could try to find insights that would lead to a productive conversation about the past situation or prevent a similar problem occurring in the future.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

John Volturo on dealing with mercurial people

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (John Volturo, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 29 Feb 2024 02:00:00 +0000

John Volturo, an executive coach, joins me to talk about dealing with mercurial people, especially bosses. John also offers insights on pause behaviors, empathy and why gossip is not always a bad thing. To learn more about his work and to contact John send him a message through LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/johnvolturo/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Applying the Johari Window model

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 22 Feb 2024 02:00:00 +0000

Last week, I talked about the general idea of the Johari Window Model. How do the four quadrants of the Open Area, the Blind Area, the Hidden Area, and the Unknown Area work? Full credit here to a website called HelpfulProfessor.com.: https://helpfulprofessor.com/johari-window-examples/ I encourage listeners to check out their Harry Potter example – better than any that I could create. With that small bit of explanation, you can consider how the Johari Window Model could serve you.If you are thinking about using it as a team exercise, there is lots of advice online, including on the MindTools.com website: https://www.mindtools.com/au7v71d/the-johari-window

Less formally, you could consider how your life and self-awareness fit in the Johari Window Model.

How could you expand the Open Area? In ways that feel right to you. Do you want to shrink your Hidden Area? In what ways? Would you like to invite informal feedback to address your Blind Area? And, finally, are you open to the possibilities that the Unknown Area may offer, now and in the future.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Understanding the Johari Window model

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 15 Feb 2024 02:00:00 +0000

The Johari Window model is a visual framework, with four quadrants. Its goal is to improve self-awareness, including understanding your conscious and unconscious biases. The model is typically used in some sort of team setting. The workplace is the most obvious application. Extended families, too, often work together in some sense – to share time and resources. Next time a focus on putting the model into use. These websites offer particularly helpful information on the model:

https://www.mindtools.com/au7v71d/the-johari-window and

https://www.selfawareness.org.uk/2022/09/25/understanding-the-johari-window-model/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

David Gage on partnership charters

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (David Gage, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 8 Feb 2024 02:00:00 +0000

David Gage visits the show to talk about the work that flows from the concept spelled out in his book, The Partnership Charter: How to Start Out Right With Your New Business Partnership (or Fix the One You’re In). The Charter goes beyond legal themes to help partners discover, discuss, and document just how they want their partnership to work. You can learn more about the book and the process that David and his associates use to assist partners here: https://www.PartnershipCharter.com . David also invites listeners with questions to call him at 703.465.1262.

Doing what you can and then moving on

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 1 Feb 2024 02:00:00 +0000

It’s a two-step process. And the second part might be the more important. Before you move on, do what you can to improve the situation. Resolve the conflict, on your own or with professional help. Or, if that is not possible, perhaps you can mitigate it. Or perhaps just open some eyes and minds. Then, know you did what you could. And move on with your life. Not slamming doors and also not getting stuck in the doorway. My most recent guest talked about moving on as part of a specific process to address simple unconscious bias in the workplace. Listen here: https://bit.ly/3vDo04Ghttps://bit.ly/3vDo04G “Buki Mosaku on navigating unconscious bias”

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

For LinkedIn posts

The power of cumulative effect

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 25 Jan 2024 02:00:00 +0000

The power of the cumulative effect is often overlooked and underestimated. Microaggressions are an excellent example of the power of the cumulative effect: the ongoing repetition of the indignities has an impact greater than one or two. My most recent guest mentioned them when discussing unconscious bias. https://bit.ly/3vDo04G “Buki Mosaku on navigating unconscious bias” I previously talked about understanding what microaggressions are and what to do about them.https://bit.ly/3e4u7QW “What are microaggressions” and https://bit.ly/2DkVppq “What to do about microaggressions”.

The negative power of the cumulative effect can show up in other ways, too. For example, in an extended family, a collection of subtle comments, gestures, or other actions can add up to a feeling of a lack of respect, dismissal, and humiliation.

Simple positive words and gestures have impact, as well. We can be more aware of the cumulative effect. Noticing small negative words and actions we might be delivering. Appreciating that they do matter as they add up. And on the positive side, we can look for opportunities to encourage, support, and thank. Then watch the cumulative effect of what we say and do build and build in a good way.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Buki Mosaku on navigating unconscious bias

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 18 Jan 2024 02:00:00 +0000

Buki Mosaku is the author of “I Don’t Understand: Navigating Unconscious Bias in the Workplace”. We discuss the inevitability of unconscious bias in the workplace and recognizing that it isn’t always a one-way street. We talk about simple and complex unconscious bias: how to think about bias and concrete steps for each of us to take to address it. Most specifically: using the simple phrase, “I don’t understand?”, delivered as a question, to start a conversation about bias.

You can learn more about his work and the book here: https://bukimosaku.com/. His bias navigation test is free and available here:https://navigatingbias.scoreapp.com/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Applying The Platinum Rule in end-of life situations

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 11 Jan 2024 02:00:00 +0000

The well-known Golden Rule can fall short when applied in end-of-life situations. A research article makes the case for The Platinum Rule. The Platinum Rule: A New Standard for Person-Centered Care, by Harvey Max Chochinov, OC, PhD, MD, FRCPC : https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9145569/

“The Platinum Rule, which would have us consider—doing unto patients as they would want done unto themselves—offers a standard that is more likely to result in treatment decisions that are consistent with patients' personal needs and objectives.”

Those of us who are not medical professionals have our own opportunities here. First, tell your family what you want! Second, if we know that we are likely to be in the position to make decisions for someone, we can encourage them to help us know what they want and not leave us guessing, imagining, and assuming. That position invites pressure, conflict, and guilt. Third, if we do find ourselves in the position of making a decision for a loved one, we need to remember to go for the platinum, not the gold. And if we haven’t done our own advance planning and communicating, let’s get going asap.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Understanding The Platinum Rule

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 4 Jan 2024 02:00:00 +0000

The general idea of The Golden Rule is to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Less well-known, The Platinum Rule states you should treat others the way they would like to be treated. Taking a step beyond The Golden Rule to The Platinum Rule can help us to connect better with the other person, to step away from our natural and normal impulse to see everything through our own eyes, and to be more curious about the view the other person sees.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Fan favorites of 2023

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 28 Dec 2023 02:00:00 +0000

I hope that listeners have enjoyed what they have heard this year. Here are a few favorites: “We reap what we sow”, Episode 256, published on November 22, 2023. https://bit.ly/3Gdp2X5. It was followed by Episode 257: “What seeds will you sow now?”, published on November 29, 2023.https://bit.ly/482bl9i

Jay Hughes was back to discuss a favorite topic. Episode 258: “Jay Hughes on the role of elders in flourishing families” was published on December 6, 2023. https://bit.ly/3sZCniO

You can also hear our conversation on the James E. Hughes, Jr. Foundation website, where many excellent resources are available in a range of formats: https://jehjf.org/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Nick Rion on creating “conflict-ready” relationships

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Nick Rion, Nicholas Rion, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 21 Dec 2023 02:00:00 +0000

Nick Rion is a personal and professional relationship coach. We talk about creating relationships intentionally, understanding what we want from a relationship. Nick’s framework of ten habits can help set up a relationship to be “conflict-ready”, able to handle disagreements that inevitably happen. You can learn more about Nick’s work and contact him through his website: https://www.nicolasrion.com/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

The elusive perfect answer

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 14 Dec 2023 03:26:06 +0000

We can have the very best of intentions when we deeply desire the perfect answer. Most of the time, there is none.

When we find ourselves with a problem to solve or a situation to deal with we can develop a laser focus, bent on discovering that perfect answer. The only solution. We can expend lots of time and energy searching endlessly and fruitlessly for it. Or we could simply put off making a decision that we actually know has no perfect answer, in the vain hope that one will simply appear. The challenge can crop up in all sorts of scenarios, from estate planning to succession planning, sharing a vacation home and many more. The perfect answer is often elusive. Better to pick a choice, make a decision, reach a resolution that works, imperfectly, but well enough.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Jay Hughes on the role of elders in flourishing families

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jay Hughes, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 7 Dec 2023 02:00:00 +0000

Jay Hughes is back for a second visit to the podcast. Jay has spent decades devoted to service to families. He has more insights into how to help families flourish than we can cover in a single podcast episode. Today, we are focused on a topic of particular interest to Jay: how elders help families thrive. Identifying potential elders, nurturing them, and as they step into and inhabit the role, how they serve the family in the present time and in ensuring the family’s future.

In 2021, friends and colleagues created the James R. Hughes, Jr. Foundation, insisting that it bear his name even though his humility makes that difficult for him to embrace.

The Foundation’s Mission: “Rooted in Jay Hughes’ landmark Five Capitals research, The Foundation is a non-profit organization dedicated to advancing the field of family governance and generational well-being.” You can learn more about the Foundation here: https://jehjf.org/

You can listen to Episode 194: Jay Hughes on the Goldilocks principle in flourishing families, published on September 22, 2022, here: https://bit.ly/3QRONPj

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

What seeds will you sow now?

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 30 Nov 2023 02:00:00 +0000

Last time, I talked about seizing the opportunity to use an annual, or at least periodic, event to check in on ourselves. What seeds have we sown? What are we reaping? f you did check in, and you don’t like what you see, what seeds will you sow now?

It would be good to think in terms of seeds: small things. Things that can grow, with attention, into bigger things. Not trying to plant a full oak tree, but an acorn with a seed inside. Start small and build. Make a commitment to try to change. Start with listening with respect. Without distraction. Without impatience. Without eye-rolls, or other dismissive reactions – in person, by video, phone, text, whatever. No special techniques, tools, or training required. Just listen. With respect. A seed to sow for an improved harvest.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

We reap what we sow

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 23 Nov 2023 02:00:00 +0000

When this episode publishes, it will be Thanksgiving Eve in the U.S. Let’s focus on the harvest perspective. We reap what we sow. Annual events – and those that happen more frequently but have a set occurrence – present an opportunity. We can check in on ourselves. We can take a little time to stop and think about what we are doing all the time, routinely.

What expectations have been set in our family about how we interact with each other? What have we sown?

And now, what are we reaping? And how do we feel about it?

We may find ourselves reaping with regret, suffering unnecessary family strife. Hurt feelings, painful silences, anxiety, anger. If so, we can start to sow differently. We can make changes to have a better harvest.

Or we may reap with joy over our healthy and strong relationships. If so, we can appreciate that harvest. We can consider what we are doing right. And continue to sow and nurture positive seeds in the future.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Vincent Valeri on helping rising gens find their own way

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Vincent Valeri, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 16 Nov 2023 02:00:00 +0000

Vincent Valeri helps rising gen members of successful families to find their own way. As they determine what success means to them and how that relates to the broader family, they benefit from Vincent’s experience of having been part of his own family’s business as a young man.

You can learn more about Vincent here: https://www.linkedin.com/in/vincentvaleri/

You can also reach him and learn more about his firm’s work here: Vincent@cmgpartners.ca https://cmgpartners.ca/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Reflections on FFI’s Global Conference: Evolving the Conversation

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 9 Nov 2023 02:00:00 +0000

Evolving the Conversation: conversation is communication. And communication is essential to handling conflict well: keeping the good kind collaborative and creative and addressing the bad kind before it gets ugly.

One research-based presentation I attended was about understanding the very different perspectives that individuals in a family business may have in a nearly identical situation. And, how those individual perspectives will likely evolve through the passage of time and life events. Accepting, even welcoming, that change requires keeping the conversation going in the family enterprise. Not forcing permanent decisions, such as in or out of the business, early in adult life.

Another presentation I attended with a strong research basis involved trust. How does a family enterprise inspire trust? In its employees, customers, the general public. The big takeaway was that the world keeps changing and family firms who fail to change do so at their peril.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Kirby Rosplock on navigating conflict in the family office space

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Kirby Rosplock, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 2 Nov 2023 01:00:00 +0000

Kirby Rosplock has honed her expertise in the area of family offices over a number of years. She has written – and continues to write – about insights she has gleaned and has created a learning platform to accompany her consulting practice. We talk about how to navigate conflict in the family office space and her Four Circle Governance Model.

You can find her on LinkedIn here: Kirby Rosplock, PhD | LinkedIn. Information about her consulting firm is here: www.TamarindPartners.com

Her educational program is here: www.TamarindLearning.com. The Canadian component is here:

www.TamarindLearning.ca. Listeners have access to an article setting out the Four Circle Model here:

Four-Circle Governance Model | Tamarind Learning

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Steadfast or stubborn

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 26 Oct 2023 01:00:00 +0000

When we hear the word steadfast, we hear something positive. Especially when applied to ourselves. Strong, committed, loyal perhaps. Stubborn? Not so positive. Particularly when applied to another person. Pigheaded. Unreasonable. Impossible to deal with. How should we navigate steadfast and stubborn, from a conflict perspective? We can strive to be steadfast regarding our principles, our values. We can be committed to integrity, to fairness. And we can avoid being stubborn about our opinions and our decisions. We can be open to changing our minds, when it’s warranted. When it is reasonable to do so.

The flip side? Other people will strive to be steadfast to their values. When it seems that your values clash? Look for where they overlap. Maybe not a perfect one-to-one, but common ground. Are different words used to describe the same concept? Is your top value different from theirs – but it is important to them? And vice versa?

We can try to be steadfast but not stubborn, embracing good conflict and minimizing bad.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

The grief behind the grievance

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 19 Oct 2023 01:00:00 +0000

The word “grievance” appears regularly in the context of workplace conflict. In the U.S. and other English-speaking countries, it usually refers to a document filed by a union to raise a complaint of some sort of wrong-doing. Recently, the term “grievance” has been cropping up more and more often in other contexts. In the U.S., it’s being applied to groups of people in cultural and political spheres.

Looking at the idea of grief behind the grievance: grief is often the result of loss. Grief can result from other types of losses: loss of connection, hope, respect, status, power, or autonomy. Understanding that grief can be an important first step in handling the conflict inherent in a grievance.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Thank yous past, present, and future

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 12 Oct 2023 01:00:00 +0000

I am excited and proud to publish Episode 250. That’s a lot of weeks since January 2019.Big thanks to my audience, guests, podcasting pals (especially Steve, Tania, Curtis, Danny, Heidi, and Matt), my friends and family. Also, all who suggest possible topics and guests. Keep those ideas coming, please!

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Penny Tremblay on conflict resolution from the inside out

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Penny Tremblay, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 5 Oct 2023 01:00:00 +0000

Penny Tremblay’s book, Sandbox Strategies for the New Workplace, Conflict Resolution from the Inside Out, has an array of insights that can be applied both in the workplace, and beyond. We talk about remembering to focus on our own role in interpersonal conflict. What pushes our buttons may not push others – so let’s look at our own buttons. You can learn more about Penny and her work here: https://pennytremblay.com/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Thoughts on Seth Godin’s “Getting to no”

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 28 Sep 2023 01:00:00 +0000

Just plain no can be important and difficult in a valued ongoing relationship. “No, I won’t.” “No, you can’t.” “No, that isn’t going to work.” Sometimes we can’t bring ourselves to believe that the best answer – and maybe the only answer – is no. Other times, we fully recognize that no is the answer, yet it’s so hard to say. It can be tempting to avoid, delay, or fudge the no. And rarely a good idea.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Family business LVMH’s plan has a flaw

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 21 Sep 2023 01:00:00 +0000

You may have heard glowing reviews recently of the succession planning at the giant conglomerate and family business LVMH. The founder, Bernard Arnault, has been applauded for how he has worked to position his five children to succeed in the business. Mr. Arnault, a successful corporate raider, has worked hard to keep his own firm out of reach of others like him. Here’s the flaw: what we have heard and what we can infer no one has likely heard. Who, exactly, is going to lead the business and when? Last year, at age 73, he convinced the LVMH board to raise the mandatory retirement age for chief executive and chairman from 75 to 80. So, he no longer needs to retire next year, as had been expected. Has he fallen for the myth of founder immortality?

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Bess de Boer on fear as the main ingredient in conflict

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Bess de Boer, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 14 Sep 2023 01:00:00 +0000

Bess de Boer is convinced that fear is the main ingredient in conflict. Bess works with people in conflict to see that the other person is trapped in the same predicament, then allowing each person to resurface their vulnerability and feel safe to be themselves. You can learn more about her work here: https://www.bessdeboer.com/. You can watch her TedX talk here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=TSeYz3V2wcIhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=TSeYz3V2wcI

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Turning the page

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 7 Sep 2023 01:00:00 +0000

In a situation of continuing negative conflict, finding a time to turn the page can be helpful. It can assume different forms.

You could use some sort of “marker” to suggest to the other person or people involved that you find a way to resolve the situation. A date on the calendar. A passage of time. An event.

You may also consider your own perspective on a conflict, without regard to the others involved. Is it time to say “enough” to yourself?

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

When you have little to say

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 31 Aug 2023 01:00:00 +0000

When you have little to say, say very little. You don’t need to share an opinion that creates needless nasty conflict. You won’t convince people by saying the same words again and again. Allowing everyone to speak, especially before you speak again, is a wise idea. Waiting in silence for someone else to gather their thoughts is worth any discomfort you may feel.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Let’s talk about prenups

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 24 Aug 2023 01:00:00 +0000

Most people don’t want to talk about prenuptial agreements, even if they want one to happen. But they should. When? If parents feel that it would be a good idea, they are wise to discuss the concept with their children long before a potential life partner arrives on the scene. What? Remember that it should be presented as a proposed contract between the spouses. Not a mandate. Who should present it? It’s important to think about what message is being delivered.

Talking about a prenup in a thoughtful and loving way won’t diminish its legal validity. But it will help set the tone for welcoming a new family member into the fold.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Nathan Dungan on money, habits, values, and well-being

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Nathan Dungan, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 17 Aug 2023 01:00:00 +0000

Nathan Dungan and I discuss how Nathan works with young adults and their families to better understand the dynamic between trusts and beneficiaries, prenups as part of an intentional preparation for life as a couple, and how to engage multiple generations to share, understand, and create their money stories.

You can learn more about his work and contact him here: http://www.sharesavespend.com/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Resisting the bait

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 10 Aug 2023 01:00:00 +0000

What should you do about a situation where you are being deliberately baited: in a one-on-one setting, in a small group, or in a polarized family? Don’t rise to the bait! I can see no upside to that and plenty of potential downside.

Choose not to avoid the conflict but to resist the bait. What would that look like? You could carefully frame the message you want to send. With or without explicitly mentioning the bait. But thinking through how to move toward a better situation, not make things worse.

When the bait is dangled publicly – when more than the dangler and the, um, danglee are aware of the bait – consider taking it private.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Making a plan

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 3 Aug 2023 01:00:00 +0000

We may try to ignore, minimize, or delay dealing with a conflict. And then we can pivot in the other direction and rush to jump into action. Better to make a plan about how to address it. Start with who, what, where, when, how, and why. And perhaps add in a “what if” to allow for the dynamics of addressing the situation.

Learn more about the Purposeful Planning Institute here: https://purposefulplanninginstitute.com/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Two views on mirroring

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 27 Jul 2023 01:00:00 +0000

In 2016, a book titled Never Split the Difference was published by Chris Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator. Voss offers nine principles to use in negotiations. One of them is mirroring. In a nutshell, mirroring means using the last one to three words the other person used, without agreeing or disagreeing, but using an inquisitive tone. The idea is that you sound like you are paying close attention to what the other person is saying. One view is that this type of negotiating tactic will make the other person feel at ease and keep them talking.

What would you think if you realized someone was applying mirroring to you? Would you feel that you trusted the person more? That you wanted to keep talking? Or – would you have a different view. You know that a tactic is being applied to you. You feel that someone is trying to manipulate you. You feel inclined to trust the other person less, not more.

We can do better. Instead of trying to create the appearance that you are carefully listening to the other person how about a reality that you are doing exactly that?

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Samantha Drum’s take on high-conflict personalities

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Samantha Drum, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 20 Jul 2023 01:00:00 +0000

Samantha Drum has used her experience with high-conflict personalities to hone her expertise and create practical ideas about how to deal with these people effectively. How to identify them. And how to minimize chaos in your own life. Her five-point playbook crystallizes five essential skills that will help you defuse any argument. You can learn more and access resources at her website: https://www.controlledconfrontation.com/ The Argument Playbook is here:

https://www.controlledconfrontation.com/playbook And the quiz is here:

https://quiz.tryinteract.com/#/6090701efce2500017e8a900Details on the high conflict cure are here: The High Conflict Cure: www.controlledcontrontation.com/course

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Bias about bias

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 13 Jul 2023 01:00:00 +0000

Earlier episodes have addressed different types of cognitive biases. They represent shortcuts in our thinking and how we reach conclusions. Now, let’s think about the overall idea of biases. We think of biases as negative – and they certainly can lead us astray. But we can think of them as not just a human shortcut that we need to be mindful of. We can easily brand bias as a moral weakness. In ourselves and others.

Better, all around, to have some compassion and some optimism. Compassion for the human frailty of others – and ourselves. We can consider that others have opinions unlike ours that aren’t purely or mostly based on bias. And with engagement and effort, it’s possible to change.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Where freedom begins and ends

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 6 Jul 2023 01:00:00 +0000

Several historical quotes address the question of just how far freedom extends. The most graphic one focuses on arms and noses. In essence, my freedom to swing my arm ends where your nose begins. Circumstances in everyday life have more nuance than that idea. Also, far more typical in everyday life. Gray areas, assumptions, misconceptions, different perspectives and priorities. And to refer to another body part: a good time to resist knee-jerk reactions. Better to pause, think, and – perhaps -- have a conversation.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Jeff Savlov on talking to young kids about family wealth

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jeff Savlov, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 29 Jun 2023 01:00:00 +0000

Jeff Savlov has an interest and expertise in how parents can talk to young kids about family wealth. Starting quite young, parents can help children learn please, thank you, I’m sorry, how to clean up after themselves. That last point includes a concept I find wonderfully compelling: the Golden Sippy Cup Rule. You can contact Jeff and learn more about his work here: https://blumandsavlov.com/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Whataboutism

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 22 Jun 2023 01:00:00 +0000

Whataboutism is the practice – or even a single act – of responding to a criticism or accusation by claiming that a supposed offense committed by someone else is just as bad or worse. In the interest of promoting rational conversation…

Let’s assume for a moment, that you hear something that prompts you to want to respond with whataboutism. Try to resist that temptation.

Instead of “what about …?” try something less likely to ignite anger. Even “what do you think about …?” “How might they be similar?”

On the flip side, what works best if the “what about” is thrown at you? You could say “well, let’s talk about that.” “Tell me more about what you are thinking.” Or some other words that can lead to a continuing dialogue.

And, of course, tone matters, too.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Aggressive or assertive?

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 15 Jun 2023 01:00:00 +0000

It’s not news that women can be criticized for language or behavior labelled as aggressive. And that exactly the same language or behavior would be championed as assertive by a man. A little discouraging but I suggest we can approach this challenge. First, as with any sort of bias, we can try to be more aware of the ones we carry and how they affect our thought process and our conclusions. Second, we can steer ourselves toward assertive language and behavior. Third, we can respond when we witness someone else exhibiting what we feel is a bias by being assertive and not aggressive.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Cindy Watson on the Art of Feminine Negotiation

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Cindy Watson, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 8 Jun 2023 01:00:00 +0000

Cindy Watson’s new book, The Art of Feminine Negotiation: How to get what you want from the boardroom to the bedroom, addresses a key topic in our lives. Her ARE FIT model represents an acronym of six key skills to being a great negotiator: assertiveness, rapport building, empathy, flexibility, intuition, and trustworthiness.

You can learn more about Cindy and the book here: http://artoffemininenegotiation.com/

The secret website for listeners to access can be found here: https://www.artoffemininenegotiationbook.com/aofn-book-launch1678293893238

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

The power of “because”

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 1 Jun 2023 01:00:00 +0000

My most recent guest, Gleb Tsipursky, talked with me about how to do Return to Office policies right. Our conversation, Episode 229, was published on May 17, 2023. In part of our discussion, Gleb introduced us to the copy machine study.

In that 1977 study, people standing in line at a copy machine were asked if they would allow someone else to cut in front of them. Remarkably, when given the reasons because I am in a hurry or because I need to make copies the increase in people agreeing was about the same. Even though it was obvious that they were all there to make copies. People responded positively to “because”.

In a family enterprise having a “because” in the form of compliance with a family employment policy can avoid feelings of unfairness. Giving a “because” to explain estate planning decisions can prevent resentment. The “because” behind a decision to sell a multi-generational business can reassure those affected that there are good reasons for that course of action.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Reactance theory and interpersonal conflict

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 25 May 2023 01:00:00 +0000

J.W. Brehm first proposed reactance theory in 1966. Reactance is the motivation to regain a freedom after it has been lost or threatened, and it leads people to resist the social influence of others. Quoting from the article Understanding Psychological Reactance: “The unpleasant motivational state of reactance results in behavioral and cognitive efforts to reestablish one’s freedom, accompanied by the experience of emotion. People who are threatened usually feel uncomfortable, hostile, aggressive, and angry.” We can minimize or avoid the reactance phenomenon when we recognize its importance and consider how to enact policies, announce plans, and conduct ourselves to avoid real or felt loss of freedom to engage in free behaviors. Learn more here:https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4675534/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Gleb Tsipursky, office whisperer, on RTO done right

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Gleb Tsipursky, Jane Beddall, Dr. Gleb Tsipursky) — Thu, 18 May 2023 01:00:00 +0000

Gleb Tsipursky and I first talked back in the early days of the pandemic, on Episode 66, published on April 1, 2020. Then, Gleb was focused on how businesses could prepare for a lengthy pandemic and minimize its impacts. Now, he is helping clients effectively address the challenges of hybrid work and Returning To the Office the right way. In a way that respects the needs and interests of the staff and rejects blanket mandates. Our conversation shows why the New York Times called him an office whisperer. You can learn more about Gleb’s work and contact him here: https://disasteravoidanceexperts.com/ His latest book is Returning to the Office and Leading Hybrid and Remote Teams: A Manual on Benchmarking to Best Practices for Competitive Advantage. You can learn more here: https://disasteravoidanceexperts.com/hybrid/.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Open The Front Door communication

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 11 May 2023 01:00:00 +0000

Open The Front Door is a communication framework. It was developed by Tasha Souza, when she was a professor at Boise State University. It’s a helpful tool to use in hot moments in the classroom – and beyond, I think!

O -- Observe. T -- Think. F -- Feel. D -- Desire. State what you Observe, factually and nonjudgmentally. State what you think. State what you feel. State what your desired outcome is.

You can learn more about OTFD here:

https://www.boisestate.edu/ctl/blog/2016/08/18/hot-moments-classroom/

https://www.oakland.edu/Assets/Oakland/cetl/files-and-documents/TeachingTips/2016/HotMomentsTT.pdf

https://scholarworks.boisestate.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1007&context=covid

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

More on BATNAs and WATNAs

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 4 May 2023 01:00:00 +0000

The classic book Getting to Yes gives us the B A T N A, which stands for Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement. As you might guess, W A T N A stands for your worst alternative to a negotiated agreement. Even in a straightforward dispute about money, the parties need to understand just how likely their BATNA and WATNA are. A very good chance? Almost none? And then there are the other costs of continuing a dispute. Distraction, delay, anxiety. If the dispute is not between strangers, and not about money, the questions become more complicated. If the people involved are family members or work together in a family business, might you lose by winning? Might everyone?

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Nellie Harden on courageous conversations with tween and teen daughters

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Nellie Harden, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 27 Apr 2023 01:00:00 +0000

Nellie Harden is a family life and leadership coach. Her 6570 project represents the 18 years parents have to raise their offspring to be adults. Nellie shares key guideposts to prepare for and engage in courageous conversations with tween and teen daughters.

You can learn more about Nellie’s work, find resources, and access her podcast here: https://www.nellieharden.com/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

What’s your BATNA (and WATNA)?

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 20 Apr 2023 01:00:00 +0000

The classic book Getting to Yes introduced the idea of your BATNA or Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement. Your WATNA is the Worst Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement. Understanding these can help you weigh how flexible you are in attempting to reach an agreement.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Finding the ZOPA

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 13 Apr 2023 01:00:00 +0000

The ZOPA is the Zone of Possible Agreement. It’s usually considered in the context of business or sales negotiations. The Zone is the overlap between, for example, what a seller is willing to accept for a car and what a buyer is willing to pay. Or what an employer is willing to pay and an employee is willing to accept. I think the ZOPA idea can be useful in other contexts, too: it is practical and simple to grasp.

It's one more concept to consider when thinking creatively about addressing conflicts.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Beth Fisher-Yoshida on New Story, New Power: A Woman’s Guide to Negotiation

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Beth Fisher-Yoshida, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 6 Apr 2023 01:00:00 +0000

Beth Fisher-Yoshida has a new book, New Story, New Power: A Woman’s Guide to Negotiation. We discuss culture, stories, patterns, and habits. And practical tools to help you move away from what holds you back and reinforce what helps.

You can learn more about Beth’s work and contact her here: https://bethfisheryoshida.com/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Honoring humility

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 30 Mar 2023 01:00:00 +0000

Humility is a concept that is misunderstood at times.

Some believe that it suggests a low opinion of yourself, that it is a sign of weakness. In fact, the more accurate understanding is that humility is a character strength. It is an indication that you have confidence in your abilities and – better still – you lack the need to brag about yourself. You don’t need to be arrogant. Humility allows you to have better interactions with others – to have no need to show that you think you are better in some way.

If I come at you with arrogance and a lack of humility, your first reaction may be to resist and fight your obnoxious opponent. Imagine how different the interaction can be and how much better the relationship can be if humility is exercised.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Creating a conflict mantra

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 23 Mar 2023 01:00:00 +0000

My last two guests touched on the idea of using a personal mantra to handle conflict more effectively. Pattie Porter shared that, inside her head, she has several phrases that she has created to help her achieve centering and stabilization when she feels triggered in a conversation. Treena Reillkoff spoke of a mantra of gratitude, a daily acknowledgement of things large or quite small to be grateful for and to build resilience.

Creating your own? Be positive, short, and personal.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Treena Reillkoff on the book Grief & Fatigue, offering hope and resilience, with proceeds supporting Ukrainian refugees

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Treena Reillkoff, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 16 Mar 2023 02:03:56 +0000

Treena Reillkoff works as a Trauma Informed Conflict Management and Resiliency Specialist. We discuss how specific tools, practices, and perspectives can allow us to recognize and nurture resiliency in ourselves and others. Treena is one of 106 co-authors, from 27 countries, and 11 languages who share their insights in the book Grief & Fatigue: Families & the Pandemic: Stories of Struggle and Hope, with proceeds from sales supporting Ukrainian refugees.

You can learn more about Treena and contact her here: https://tlrsolutions4conflict.ca/or https://www.linkedin.com/in/treenareilkoff-tlr-solutions4conflict/

You can purchase the book - for yourself and to share - here:

https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B0B6T8YYQ8

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0B6T8YYQ8

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Lessons from Spring Training

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 9 Mar 2023 02:00:00 +0000

At this time of year, Major League Baseball teams are engaged in Spring Training. What could baseball’s Spring Training have to do with conflict? I see a few lessons to learn about conflict prevention. There’s the very basic idea that practice makes us better – at virtually everything. Probably even improvisation. Definitely in handling conflict well.

These games don’t count in the regular season standings. They are an opportunity to practice.

They are a chance for the whole team, and parts of the team, to gel. Interpersonal bonds, especially between pitchers and catchers, can be built and nurtured. And, experimentation carries little risk, because the games don’t count in the regular season standings.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Messages sent and messages received

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 2 Mar 2023 02:00:00 +0000

My guest last time, Pattie Porter, talked about Verbal Akido. One point that Pattie made is that something that feels like an “attack” may not be intended to be one. As is true with so much in communications that don’t feel comfortable, I would do well to take a beat, pause for a moment, gather myself…. And think. First, why do I feel attacked? What is it in me that was struck? Next, it is a legitimate criticism? Is it valid? Now, how can I react? If it does hit the mark, can I acknowledge that to the other person? Can I learn something here? Can I resist becoming defensive and rejecting the idea? At the other extreme, can I resist descent into beating up on myself so much that I can’t absorb the benefit of the criticism?

Of course, sometimes the speaker could be more thoughtful. If we want it to have a desirable impact, we should make the effort to choose our words carefully.

And let’s not forget the tone. Our tone of voice – in spoken language or written – carries at least as much weight as our words and usually more. Our facial expressions, our body language --both speak volumes.

We can be benefit by being more careful in the messages we send and in how we receive them.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Pattie Porter on Verbal Akido, in theory and in practice

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Pattie Porter, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 23 Feb 2023 02:00:00 +0000

For nearly thirty years, Pattie Porter has helped people get better at handling conflict through her work as a coach, trainer, academic, and other roles. And her podcast, the Texas Conflict Coach, shared some of her wisdom. In the last few years, Pattie has become a student and practitioner of Verbal Akido. She shares with us its three steps – in theory and in practice. You can learn more about Pattie and her work, and contact her, through her company website, https://www.conflictconnections.com.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Battles of attrition

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 16 Feb 2023 02:00:00 +0000

Usually battles of attrition are associated with violent clashes in wartime. One side tries to wear down the other, to wear them down, exhaust them. But these battles can appear in interpersonal relationships, too. In those situations, there can be a dynamic effect that can alter the relationship. The one who is being worn down can feel not just defeated, but resentful. If you think you are going to give in, maybe you should do that right away!

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Getting emotional

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 9 Feb 2023 02:00:00 +0000

It’s not unusual to hear the admonition “Don’t get emotional” in the context of conflict. What poppycock. We are humans and we have emotions. It’s far better to recognize that fact, to acknowledge our emotions, and to think about what they are telling us. We should, of course, avoid being ruled by our emotions. We tend to think that only negative emotions can come up in conflict. In fact, positive emotions can be present, too. It’s best to think about our own emotions with some care – and to avoid telling someone else to ignore or simply shut down their own.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Kristin MacDermott on the Four Family Meetings program

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Kristin MacDermott, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 2 Feb 2023 02:00:00 +0000

Kristin MacDermott is the creator of the Four Family Meetings program. This approach allows families and the individuals within them to begin with a positive perspective through storytelling, move on to the essential topic of handling conflict, explore the importance of boundaries, and strengthen a sense of belonging. You can learn more about Kristin’s work here: https://www.macdermottmethod.com/resilientfamilystrategies.com. You can contact Kristin here: kristin@kristinmacdermott.com.

You can learn more about the Purposeful Planning Institute here: https://purposefulplanninginstitute.com/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

“No, and” instead of “no, but”

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 26 Jan 2023 02:00:00 +0000

In improvisation, “yes, and” is the idea that one person makes a statement and then – whatever it is – the next person affirms it and then builds on it. That concept has been applied to communication. I talked about “Yes, and” in communication back in Episode 24, published on June 12, 2019. Would “no, and” lead to a more thoughtful conversation than “no, but”? Does it sound less like a reflexive way to tone down a rejection? Less of an automatic response that shuts down further discussion. It's worth a try.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

“Spare”, Prince Harry, and airing dirty laundry

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 19 Jan 2023 02:00:00 +0000

From a conflict perspective, what was the point of airing the dirty laundry in Prince Harry’s memoir, Spare? Telling your own side of a story is a very common desire. Perhaps his intention is to raise his standing (and Meghan’s) in the court of public opinion – which may be working or may be backfiring. Harry has said that he is open to a better relationship with his family. There may be a worse way to promote reconciliation than a gossipy memoir showcasing bad behavior by everyone else. But it is difficult to think of what it would be.

Speaking of the family …. So far, it seems that silence is their official response. Silence can provide a positive contrast when someone else appears to be acting undignified. Perhaps Harry simply wants to take advantage of the opportunity – which may be fleeting – to make as much money as he can.

Of course, most of us don’t have the opportunity to air family dirty laundry with that sort of splash. If we do choose to air dirty family laundry, we risk doing real damage to family relationships and to our own image. If you need to talk it out, doing so privately greatly reduces those risks.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

David Tate on Conscious Accountability

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (David Tate, David C. Tate, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 12 Jan 2023 02:00:00 +0000

David Tate is the author, along with Marianne Pantalon and Daryn David, of Conscious Accountability: Deepen Connections, Elevate Results. We talk about expanded awareness, deliberate intentions, informed actions, and being responsible for our impact.

You can learn more about his work Conscious Growth Partners here: https://consciousgrowthpartners.com/. Connect with David on LinkedIn here:https://www.linkedin.com/in/david-c-tate-780683/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Playing to your strengths

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 5 Jan 2023 02:00:00 +0000

Last week, I was certain – if you looked – that you could find some successes with conflict in 2022. This week, I am equally confident that you can build on your strengths in 2023. For example, it may be that you are quite good at welcoming varied perspectives. Or you enjoy ensuring regular communications – even when there is no particular news to share. Perhaps you are comfortable speaking calmly in a tense group setting and encouraging others to take a breath before speaking out in a way they may regret. Or you can talk privately, without too much judgment, to someone who is about to – or already has – become embroiled in a nasty conflict. You may even be a person who can suggest to everyone that you all could get better at communication and handling conflict. And to make it a priority.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Looking back and finding successes

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 29 Dec 2022 02:00:00 +0000

I invite you to look back on the year and see what you did well, what you did right, regarding conflict.

The positives can take a range of forms. There may have been a very good conflict: a situation in which tough issues were grappled with. A little tougher to see is the potential bad conflict that was avoided. A conflict may have been negative – yet less damaging than it could have been. If a conflict erupted that did do damage, did you find ways to repair that? Or to figure out how to avoid that damage in the future? Do you feel more competent and confident about handling conflict than you did at the beginning of the year? Each of us can find something positive about how we dealt with conflict in 2022. When we find it, we need to celebrate it.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Stephen McGarvey on how to Ignite a Shift

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Stephen McGarvey, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 22 Dec 2022 02:00:00 +0000

Stephen McGarvey is the author Ignite a Shift: Engaging Minds, Guiding Emotions, and Driving Behavior. We discuss motivation, the importance of being understood, and the impact of certain words. Plus, I ask Stephen this question: “Why is this not creepy and manipulative?" Listen to our conversation to hear his response. You can learn more about Stephen’s work and the book at http://solutionsinmind.com/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Disappointment, expectations, and reality

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 15 Dec 2022 02:00:00 +0000

Author and speaker John C. Maxwell is credited with coining this phrase: “Disappointment is the gap that exists between expectation and reality.” It’s usually more difficult to change reality than to change our expectations. In circumstances of interpersonal conflict, change is often the key piece in expectation. We should take a moment to look – realistically – at aspects of a desired change to understand what change genuinely can be expected. If we consider our expectations with care – and distinguish them from our hopes and dreams – we may avoid unnecessary disappointment.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Josh Patrick on failing fast and cheap

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Josh Patrick, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 8 Dec 2022 03:17:13 +0000

Josh Patrick is a business consultant who has learned from – and continues to learn from – personal experience and work with clients, as well as reading, writing, speaking, and podcasting about the challenges business owners face.

Business owners can face internal conflicts – engaging in behaviors that don’t serve them well. I talk with Josh about failing fast and failing cheap, the value of small experiments, and more.

Josh’s weekly podcast is Cracking the Cash Flow Code. You can sign up for his weekly newsletter and learn more about his work here: https://www.sustainablebusiness.co/ . You can contact Josh directly here:jpatrick@stage2planning.com

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Following up – to reinforce or to repair

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 1 Dec 2022 02:00:00 +0000

When you have an infrequent in-person conversation, think back to it.

How did it go? Most important, what can you do now to follow up to improve that relationship? What can you do to increase the odds of positive conflict (creative and collaborative) in the future?

If you had a good talk, seize on that! Follow up with a visit, phone call, text, email, or even an old-fashioned letter or card. Mental telepathy does not count. On the flip side, if it didn’t go well – consider reaching out to repairwhat you can. If you were surprised by how well you got along with someone, perhaps you should share that. Probably the other person was surprised, too. Revisit that fun moment. When we gather in-person infrequently, we can help strengthen good relationships, build new ones, and repair damaged ones if we follow-up soon after – making the most of the time we spent together.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Recognizing salience bias

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 24 Nov 2022 02:00:00 +0000

Cognitive biases represent shortcuts in our thinking and how we reach conclusions. You can learn about Overcoming confirmation bias in Episode 129, published on June 16, 2021. Managing availability bias is the topic of Episode 143, published on September 22, 2021. And Episode 176, published on May 11, 2022, is about Implicit Bias and the Implicit Association Test. There are plenty of other biases. Today, a few words about salience bias. In this context, salience means how prominent or emotionally striking something is.

For example, let’s assume I have a friend who is very easy going – almost always. Then, one day, that friend skewers me for something I did that the friend feels to be terribly wrong. My view is that I may have made a minor goof (I do make my fair share, after all), but I am not sure I did this time. Salience bias can lead me to build this one incident out of so many into a major blow-up that obscures all the positive interactions we have had -- and can have in the future if the relationship is not derailed by this single and singular experience.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

In-person gatherings and online meetings

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 17 Nov 2022 02:00:00 +0000

We are now coming into the time of year for traditional family gatherings. For many years, these in-person celebrations have been the time to tackle difficult conversations and make important decisions. Lots of families are coming together this season for the first time since 2019. In the depth of the pandemic, remarkable lessons came out of our need to shift away from in-person gatherings to online group conversations and meetings.

Prioritize human connections when gathering in-person – whatever time of year. Take advantage of the benefits of periodic, online meetings. That’s especially true when negative conflict may erupt.

We are in a time when we can reset for the better – we can make changes that will serve our families better. And encourage more positive conflicts – the creative and collaborative kind – and fewer of the negative and destructive ones.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Going along to get along

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 10 Nov 2022 02:00:00 +0000

Going along to get along can be a good idea – sometimes. When you find yourself giving in – accommodating in Thomas-Kilmann theory – too often, you might stop and think about that. Do you not care about the outcome of a decision? Are you afraid to speak your mind? Are you going to be silenced by your own choice to not speak up? Will you become resentful about always being the one to “sacrifice”? These questions are especially important in the context of an ongoing, valued relationship.

We can all get better at handling conflict, including going along to get along when it makes sense – and not doing it when it doesn’t.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Amanda Holmes on honoring her late father’s business values and her own

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Amanda Holmes, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 3 Nov 2022 02:39:23 +0000

Amanda Holmes, daughter of the renowned sales strategist Chet Holmes, was 24 when she inherited her father’s vast business interests and his legacy – with no preparation of any kind.

We talk about her journey over the last ten years as she grew into her role as CEO by following her instincts, developing her skills and self-confidence, and charting a path that builds on the past with her own vision for the future. We discuss her update of her father's celebrated book, The Ultimate Sales Machine. It is available at https://www.ultimatesalesmachine.com/, where you will find bonus resources not available if you buy the book on Amazon. Amanda also talked about the How to Double Your Sales Quiz. You can find it here: https://chetholmes.com/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

200 Episodes – looking back and looking forward

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 27 Oct 2022 00:49:39 +0000

Just last week, I was in a conversation about the key question for a would-be podcaster. Why do you want to do this?

I had a clear answer to that question in 2018 during Seth Godin’s podcasting workshop (7 intensive weeks and 35 lessons) and my answer is the same in 2022, on Episode 200. But, I am not the same. I continue to learn from my experiences – and from my podcast guests. There is plenty more to explore in the podcast.

I want to help people see a perspective on conflict that is practical and positive. I wanted then and want today to push back against the idea that conflict is always negative.

I want to help people see conflict differently – which is why I have had (and will continue to have) a wide range of guests who have insights to share.

I want to share ideas that I have learned through my own reading, speaking, study groups, and experiences with individuals and families.

And I want to convince others of this deeply-held belief: we can all get better at handling conflict.

A big thank you to my guests and to the Old Hands who offer encouragement, wisdom, and technical skills. And, most of all, thank you to all of you who listen. I wouldn’t do it without you.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

America’s Peacemaker – The Community Relations Service

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 20 Oct 2022 01:00:00 +0000

Working throughout the United States, The Community Relations Service (CRS) is part of the Department of Justice. And not as well-known a part as it might be. CRS works with communities to prevent and respond to alleged hate crimes based on actual or perceived race, color, national origin, gender, gender identity, sexual orientation, religion, or disability.

CRS calls itself “America’s Peacemaker” for “communities in conflict by mediating disputes and enhancing community capacity to independently prevent and resolve future conflicts.”

You can learn more and contact CRS for assistance at their website: https://www.justice.gov/crs

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

The challenge of unofficial veto power

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 13 Oct 2022 01:00:00 +0000

Unofficial veto power is the idea that one person (or, less frequently, a small subset of a group) has the power to stop progress. And that power is not granted to them by the rest of the group, any document, or cultural norm. “Progress” is a broad term, here. It’s allowing the group to make – or even consider—decisions. In some type of rational fashion. It’s abiding by decisions that are made. That veto power can be exerted in a variety of ways: from refusing to participate in the process, to leaving a meeting in progress, to insisting on more and more information, to denigrating every suggestion made. What to do about it?

First, be on the lookout for this behavior; avoid being solely focused on the issues to be addressed. Second, don’t let too many small incursions slide; that can worsen the situation. Third, challenge the use of unofficial veto power; firmly and politely. All of these actions are easier for an outside professional with no stake in the outcome, but if that’s not an option it is likely still worth the effort.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Chris Kolenda on Leadership: The Warrior’s Art

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Chris Kolenda, Christopher Kolenda, Jane Beddall) — Fri, 7 Oct 2022 18:11:32 +0000

While serving as an Army colonel in Afghanistan, Chris Kolenda motivated a large insurgent group to switch sides. We talk about that experience and the new edition of his book, Leadership: The Warrior’s Art, a collection of pieces by military leaders. The book has insights for all sorts of organizations and group. Chris notes that there’s really no such thing as military leadership: it’s all leadership and it’s always dealing with people.

You can learn more about Chris’s work at https://strategicleadersacademy.com/, and contact him here: chris@strategicleadersacademy.com At the time this episode is published, Chris is on a 1700 mile bike ride, the Fallen Hero Honor Ride.

You can find out how to support that project here: https://sabersixfoundation.com/ or through Chris’s company’s website, above.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Queen Elizabeth II as conflict resolver

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 29 Sep 2022 01:00:00 +0000

Many thought that the Queen was too slow to respond to Diana’s death. When she finally did, she minimized the conflict by speaking eloquently and by nodding her head as Diana’s casket passed by. As a ruling monarch, she received respect routinely and wasn’t expected to make her own demonstrations of it.

She made a distinction between family and business with Prince Andrew. Allegations (though denied) and friendships (impossible to deny) led to his expulsion from The Firm, but not the family.

Prince Harry could either enjoy the privileges and benefits of a working Royal full-time or not. He couldn’t have it both ways.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Queen Elizabeth II as conflict preventer

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 22 Sep 2022 01:00:00 +0000

Queen Elizabeth has been widely appreciated for her life of service. Though most family business leaders aren’t royal monarchs, her approach has lessons that many can learn. Among them: she started early in her devotion to service (even before she was head of The Firm); she worked hard; she kept her own counsel; she was engaged with her “customers” and did not think them to be lesser; she had a sense of humor; and she planned her own succession carefully.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Jay Hughes on the Goldilocks principle in flourishing families

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jay Hughes, James R.Hughes, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 15 Sep 2022 01:00:00 +0000

Jay Hughes has spent decades devoted to service to families. Throughout that time, he has been deeply interested in why families flourish – and why they don’t. In our conversation, Jay’s insights include how the Goldilocks principle is essential for the well-being of families. Friends and colleagues created the James R. Hughes, Jr. Foundation, insisting that it bear his name even though his humility made that hard to embrace at first!

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Transitions are an opportunity for good conflict – the results

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 8 Sep 2022 01:00:00 +0000

Time and again, we have heard that transitions are challenging and difficult. They also represent an opportunity to be collaborative and creative in addressing change effectively. Embracing thegood type of conflict. Last time, I talked about the process. This time, the focus is on the results.

One possible result is a greater acceptance of the fact that change is happening all the time – and that we would do well to notice it and adapt more frequently. We can also prepare ourselves better for the big, unexpected changes. Another result could be greater openness to the idea that everyone can have a voice, even if not a vote, and making that openness a part of the culture and adopted policies. Finally, we could step away from the idea that almost everything is right or wrong, black or white, all or nothing. Instead, we could look for ways to be collaborative and creative, and then improve our options and our outcomes.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Transitions are an opportunity for good conflict – the process

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 1 Sep 2022 01:00:00 +0000

We have heard many times about transitions being challenging and difficult. They also represent an opportunity to be collaborative and creative in addressing change effectively. Embracing the good type of conflict. How? try some inclusive decision-making. A time to invite ideas, listen carefully, and consider those thoughts with respect and an open mind. Even if every suggestion can’t be adopted, there is a chance to embrace a collaborative, respectful, creative process. Seizing that chance can send a message that will help reduce bad conflict now and in the future.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Deena Chochinov on HomeWork and how to be a leader in both places

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Deena Chochinov, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 25 Aug 2022 01:00:00 +0000

Deena Chochinov’s work in the areas of family therapy and organizational development gives her an unusual and especially helpful perspective for her work as an advisor to family enterprises. Her professional experiences over the course of thirty years inform her insights in her recently published book, HomeWork: How to Be a Leader in the Boardroom and the Living Room. You can learn more about the book and her work here: https://www.deenachochinov.com/. Connect with Deena on LinkedIn here: https://www.linkedin.com/in/deenachochinov/ .

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Reflections on Rendezvous 2022 -- from a conflict perspective, of course

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 18 Aug 2022 01:00:00 +0000

Rendezvous is the annual gathering of the Purposeful Planning Institute (PPI). It’s “the most professionally diverse gathering of its kind and brings together professionals representing more than 20 disciplines for collaborative dialogue, keynotes, and breakout sessions centered on family dynamics, governance, collaboration, philanthropy and personal development and growth” according to the PPI website. The organization includes over 450 members, representing more than 20 disciplines, including lawyers, wealth managers, trust officers, planned giving experts, psychologists and therapists, and family wealth advisors.

Despite all these differences, Rendezvous demonstrated an absence of negative conflict. How? A commitment to collaboration, a nonjudgmental tenor, and a welcoming atmosphere – by design and by culture.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

TKI – the compromising mode plus a wrap-up

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 11 Aug 2022 01:00:00 +0000

Compromising appears right in the middle of an imaginary image of two axes showing degrees of assertiveness and cooperativeness because it is moderate, not extreme, with regard to both of those characteristics.

Compromising gives partial satisfaction to both parties. It may mean splitting the difference between two ideal outcomes or seeking a quick middle-ground way to reach an agreement. Less work than collaborating, and less satisfaction, too. It might be 50/50 or some other distribution. When collaboration is successful under the TKI model, both parties are able to achieve what they want.

The TKI model is not set up to mandate – or even suggest – that one mode is always the right one or the wrong one. The model, at its core, can help us discover which ones we might use more and which ones we might use less – to our benefit. Learn more at: https://kilmanndiagnostics.com/overview-thomas-kilmann-conflict-mode-instrument-tki/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Jack Wofford on the lexicon of conflict

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jack Wofford, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 4 Aug 2022 01:00:00 +0000

Jack Wofford: mediator? Facilitator? Does he help with conflicts? Disputes? Issues? Disagreements? We talk about what’s in a name and the four essential elements in the work that he does.

You can reach Jack at johnwofford@earthlink.net and learn more about his work at https://www.mediate.com/mediator-profile/?uid=29258

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Avoiding and collaborating, two of the five TKI conflict modes

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 28 Jul 2022 01:00:00 +0000

The TKI describes five different approaches to conflict. And those five are always available to each of us. They are accommodating, avoiding, collaborating, competing, and compromising. Visualize a vertical axis of assertiveness, the extent to which someone tries to satisfy their own needs. Along the horizontal axis, the degree of cooperativeness is shown: that is the extent to which a person tries to satisfy the other person’s needs.

Avoiding appears on the bottom right of the image – very low on assertiveness and, also, very low on cooperativeness.

Collaborating is both assertive and cooperative, landing at the opposite spot, diagonally, across the image.

The TKI model does not suggest that one style is always better than another. Instead, the point is to better understand what we do well and what we do often. And then to consider how well our approaches to conflict are serving us.

Learn more here: https://kilmanndiagnostics.com/overview-thomas-kilmann-conflict-mode-instrument-tki/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Competing and accommodating, two of the five TKI conflict modes

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 21 Jul 2022 01:00:00 +0000

The TKI describes five different approaches to conflict. And those five are always available to each of us. They are accommodating, avoiding, collaborating, competing, and compromising. Competing is power-driven, with a focus on one’s own needs at the expense of the other person’s. Accommodating is the polar opposite: putting someone else’s needs above one’s own. Neither is always the right approach, nor always the wrong one. The value of the TKI is helping you understand which modes you tend to use, which you use best, and considering whether you are underusing or overusing any of them. Learn more at: https://kilmanndiagnostics.com/overview-thomas-kilmann-conflict-mode-instrument-tki/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Jennifer Fraser on “The Bullied Brain: Heal Your Scars and Restore Your Health”

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jennifer Fraser, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 14 Jul 2022 01:00:00 +0000

Jennifer Fraser, PhD, set out to learn all she could about bullying and healing a brain damaged by it. She was motivated by the experience her teenage son endured, and the memories of her teen years that his experience brought back to her.The result is a book that surveys brain research in this area, outdated myths, and societal trends. Equally important, Jennifer shares hopeful and practical ideas that can help individuals heal themselves. You can learn more about the book and Jennifer’s work here: https://www.bulliedbrain.com/ You can reach her through the website or here:jenniferfraserphd@gmail.com. Find her on Twitter here: @teachingbullies

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

A brief introduction to the Thomas-Kilmann Instrument

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 7 Jul 2022 01:00:00 +0000

More than nine million copies of the TKI assessment have been sold since it was introduced in the mid- 1970s, according to the Kilmann Diagnostics website: https://kilmanndiagnostics.com/assessments/thomas-kilmann-instrument-one-assessment-person/ The tool isn’t black or white and doesn’t label conflict is bad. In fact, it calls conflict “neutral”. https://kilmanndiagnostics.com/faqs/The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument describes five different approaches to conflict. And those five are always available to each of us. They are accommodating, avoiding, collaborating, competing, and compromising. I have named them in alphabetical order, in an attempt to honor the tool’s advice to use the mode that fits best for a given situation, while remaining open to switching another if the situation changes. In upcoming episodes, I will describe them and allow listeners to think about how they currently use them and how they may shift.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Choosing how much conflict to address

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 30 Jun 2022 01:00:00 +0000

Making choices about just how much conflict to address can lead to better outcomes than stopping before you start or setting up for a sense of failure. We can feel overwhelmed -- and fearful -- about estate planning, as my guest last time, Paul Hood, discussed. An internal conflict. It helps to recognize that it will take time and that changes can be made down the road. And almost any decision is better than none. Doing nothing invites conflict in your surviving family. Trying to make a difficult relationship perfect is unrealistic – instead, try to make it better. When a family has multiple concerns to address, it’s best to handle critical ones first. Outside of a crisis, try for a “win” where the family can experience success. Attempting to solve everything at once is a lot to ask.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Paul Hood on addressing fear in estate planning

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, Paul Hood) — Thu, 23 Jun 2022 01:00:00 +0000

Paul Hood has written extensively about estate planning for many years – books, articles, and more. Many have been full of insights for professionals. Earlier this year, Paul’s book on estate planning geared for lay people was published. Yours, Mine, and Ours – estate planning for people in blended or stepfamilies. Among other topics, Paul covers the common fears that can stop people from starting the estate planning process or get them off track after they start.

We also discuss how ongoing conversations can help families and their advisors be more successful in creating and executing estate plans. Learn more about Paul’s work, find free resources, and order his books at:

https://paulhoodservices.com/ Contact Paul at: paul@paulhoodservices.com

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Conflict coaching tip – think shoes

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 16 Jun 2022 01:00:00 +0000

Putting yourself in the shoes of the person you are in conflict with can provide valuable insights. It’s a key feature of the CINERGY conflict coaching model. Cinnie Noble, creator of the model, was my guest on Episode 69, published on April 22, 2020. Listen wherever you get your podcasts or here: https://bit.ly/2xtYMIl. In two recent instances, coaching clients discovered, by putting themselves in the shoes of the other person in the conflict, that the client and the other person faced the same systemic challenge. The other person wasn’t at fault at all.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

A conflict spin on Seth Godin’s interested vs. interesting

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 9 Jun 2022 01:00:00 +0000

In a recent blog post, Seth Godin riffed on Interested vs. Interesting. In short, we are all interesting in our own way. That doesn’t necessarily mean that other people are interested in what we have to offer. Granted. Then I viewed the post through the lens of handling conflict better.

One suggestion that comes up in preventing and resolving negative conflicts is to adopt curiosity. In other words, be genuinely interested in other people’s perspectives. Especially if their perspective is different from ours. It is a challenge. No doubt. But we can learn and when we learn, we can more easily find common ground. Now, “interesting”? When in doubt, talk less and listen more. It’s funny how people may find someone interesting and a great conversationalist if they don’t dominate the conversation.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Marlene Chism on moving From Conflict to Courage

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, Marlene Chism) — Thu, 2 Jun 2022 01:00:00 +0000

Marlene’s most recent book is From Conflict to Courage: How to Stop Avoiding and Start Leading. We discuss dysfunctional leadership identities and how they can lead to conflict. How to increase your conflict capacity. And how structure leads to behavior. You can find Marlene on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/marlenechism/. You can also reach her by email, at marlene@marlenechism.com. Her website, https://marlenechism.com/ , offers information about her book, her services, and insightful comments on her blog.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Ideas on conflict, old and new, at this year’s IFG conference

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 26 May 2022 01:00:00 +0000

Earlier this month, I attended my first in-person conference since early 2020, the Institute for Family Governance conference in New York City. During the lunch break, I chaired a roundtable discussion on addressing and preventing conflict in a family enterprise. Our conversation echoed – and amplified – some themes that we heard throughout the day.

Setting expectations is key – well before a problem erupts. Recognize that families and their family enterprises necessarily evolve over time. Important documents, whether legally binding or not, need to change, too. Disagreements are to be expected, and even welcomed. They don’t need to be nasty or destructive. Burying them is rarely a wise move. Finally, the process of communicating is valuable in and of itself.

Most interesting to me, over the course of the day, is a newer idea.I was hearing more conversation about the importance of ongoing work within legacy families, family offices, and family enterprises on the subject of handling conflict effectively. One day or one long weekend isn’t enough.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Mitigating Implicit Bias

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 19 May 2022 01:00:00 +0000

Implicit bias is an unconscious bias or prejudice that we have, which may be contrary to what we say we believe – or even what we think we believe. The Implicit Association Test (IAT) available through the Harvard University website. It’s free and takes ten to fifteen minutes to complete, on your own, online. https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/takeatest.html . Project Implicit is a research project. The Implicit Association Test (IAT) measures attitudes and beliefs that people may be unwilling or unable to report. Some people who take the test are surprised and concerned about their results. They may wish to address these concerns.

For some excellent suggestions to do that, check out the “What is Implicit Bias?” page of Loyola Marymount University’s website, in the Resources section. Within that, you will see a link back to the Harvard site to take the test. And a full section on “Strategies to Reduce Implicit Bias.” It includes Motives to Reduce Bias, Individual Strategies to Mitigate Implicit Bias, Structural Strategies to Mitigate Implicit Bias, and additional resources.

Suggested motives include promoting equity and building stronger relationships. Individual strategies include a focus on deliberate, conscious processing, intentionally focusing on perspective, and spending time with people who aren’t like us. One structural strategy is especially practical and easy to implement: build in enough time for decision-making and don’t make decisions in the heat of the moment.

https://resources.lmu.edu/dei/initiativesprograms/implicitbiasinitiative/whatisimplicitbias/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Implicit Bias and the Implicit Association Test (IAT)

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 12 May 2022 01:00:00 +0000

For some excellent suggestions to do that, check out the “What is Implicit Bias?” page of Loyola Marymount University’s website, in the Resources section. I will put the link in the show notes. Within that, you will see a link back to the Harvard site to take the test. And a full section on “Strategies to Reduce Implicit Bias.” It includes Motives to Reduce Bias, Individual Strategies to Mitigate Implicit Bias, Structural Strategies to Mitigate Implicit Bias, and additional resources. https://resources.lmu.edu/dei/initiativesprograms/implicitbiasinitiative/whatisimplicitbias/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

The Ladder of Inference

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 5 May 2022 01:00:00 +0000

The idea of the Ladder of Inference was introduced by Chris Argyris in 1970. The concept became widely known when he and Peter Senge published The Fifth Discipline in 1992. The Ladder of Inference helps us visualize how our brain processes work. Some of it with lightning speed. By better understanding what is happening, we can better address what isn’t serving us well. The Ladder of Inference appears in a number of sources online. Here are two: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Ladder_of_inference.svg and https://www.toolshero.com/decision-making/ladder-of-inference/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Vik Kapoor discusses his book on self-coaching, First Serve Yourself

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, Vik Kapoor) — Thu, 28 Apr 2022 01:00:00 +0000

Vik Kapoor is back for a second visit. His first was on October 29, 2020, in Episode 96. You can listen here: https://bit.ly/2JcUcmZThat time we talked about the UN peer conflict coaching program that he was involved in.This time we discuss his book about self-coaching, First Serve Yourself: How Young Leaders Around the World are Winning on Their Own Terms. We talk about positive and negative emotions, bias, and tools that individuals can use to effectively coach themselves.

You can learn more about Vik at his company website: https://extra-m.com/.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Self-awareness and conflict resolution

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 21 Apr 2022 01:00:00 +0000

First, we can think through just when we are at our best – and our worst. Time of day? Day of the week? Location? Can we set up a tough conversation for the time and place when we are at our best? Next, we can be aware of how to be prepared to be at our best when we know in advance that we will be engaged in a difficult conversation. Sometimes we don’t have the luxury of time or much advance notice. What could we adopt as a way to quickly reset and pull ourselves into position for the situation?

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Self-awareness and (negative) conflict prevention

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 14 Apr 2022 01:00:00 +0000

When thinking about self-awareness and preventing negative conflict, let’s focus on the habits we have, the most obvious patterns we adopt, the knee-jerk reactions (which can have a dangerous capacity for making us appear to be or actually be jerks). We can benefit from taking a moment – or two – to reflect on what is increasing the likelihood of negative conflict unnecessarily.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

David Ehrlichman on impact networks

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, David Ehrlichman) — Thu, 7 Apr 2022 01:00:00 +0000

David Ehrlichman discusses his work at Converge, a network of practitioners who cultivate impact networks. His book, impact networks, sets out how co-creating networks beside, across, or even within hierarchical organizations can tap into the creativity of individuals who co-create networks centered on a common purpose. Visit the Converge website to learn more about their work and the book, to read their blog, to find links to four- and eighteen-minute films, and to take advantage of the free network toolkit. https://www.converge.net/You can find David on LinkedIn and on twitter @davehrlichman.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Shortcuts and detours part 2

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 31 Mar 2022 01:00:00 +0000

The flip side of the dangers of shortcuts is the benefit of a detour. That is, allowing a conversation to wander to where it needs to go to get at the nub of the conflict. For me, useful detours can come up in conflict coaching, mediation, and more general conflict consulting. In coaching, the value can be in a deeper dive into what makes a client tick. In mediation, the detour may be into what else matters to the people involved, beyond what they initially state. In consulting, the challenge can be presented as one of a very specific and limited problem. Let’s take a little detour into how the problem became intractable. And what you can do to prevent the next “very specific and limited problem” from blowing up. If you aren’t a conflict professional, and are directly involved in a conflict, you can consider whether it would be wise to take a look to the side of the issue. Is there something to see there? Perhaps the scenic route is worth the trip.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Shortcuts and detours part 1

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 24 Mar 2022 01:00:00 +0000

Generally, we tend to think of shortcuts as good and detours as bad. Yet, in the specific context of dealing with conflict, it’s often the reverse. Although it can be tempting to race ahead, assuming that no preparation is needed for a successful mediation session, that shortcut can be actually harmful – diminishing the possibility of a positive outcome and risking making a difficult situation even worse.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Adam Kahane on Facilitating Breakthrough

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, Adam Kahane) — Thu, 17 Mar 2022 01:00:00 +0000

Adam Kahane has worked for thirty years as a facilitator of diverse groups in a variety of settings around the world. We discuss the insights he has gained from his work, captured in his five books. In his most recent book, Facilitating Breakthrough, Adam sets out how to “remove obstacles, build bridges, and move forward together.” You can learn more about his work and find free resources at his firm’s website: https://reospartners.com/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Holding Space: for creativity, collaboration, and conflict

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 10 Mar 2022 02:00:00 +0000

The phrase “holding space” is most frequently heard in the context of therapy or psychology. In the context of discussions or meetings, the concept is one of deliberately accepting and anticipating the possibility – even the likelihood – of needing some time and “space” set aside for what may come that is not fully planned for. Time and space to allow for creativity, collaboration and yes – conflict. The good kind where different ideas and perspectives are voiced and a positive type of clash follows.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Fear and courage, stimulus and response

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 3 Mar 2022 02:00:00 +0000

Courage is not the absence of fear, but a positive way to handle fear. The same could be said of negative stimuli (hot buttons, triggers) and responding in the best way possible.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Mitzi Perdue on leading with humility and her advocacy in combatting human trafficking

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, Mitzi Perdue) — Thu, 24 Feb 2022 02:00:00 +0000

Mitzi enjoys sharing what she has learned about successful family businesses. Her interest is personal: she was born into the Henderson family, founders of the Sheraton Hotel chain, and she married into the Perdue family, where her husband, Frank, was the head of the family-owned poultry business. Both families are thriving through the generations. In this episode, Mitzi talks about Frank Perdue’s humility, his genuine interest in those who were part of the Perdue community, and his recognition of the value in hearing different – even conflicting – opinions.

You can find her most recent book, The Frank Perdue Way, on Amazon or through her website, where you can learn more about Mitzi’s passion for helping family businesses thrive through generations: https://mitziperdue.com/

Mitzi is dedicated to the fight to stop human trafficking. To learn more text WIN to 55312 or visit https://www.winthisfight.org/

Win This Fight focuses on “two of the greatest needs of the anti-trafficking community: we raise funds for other anti-trafficking organizations, and we help raise awareness.”

You can listen to my first conversation with Mitzi, in Episode 128, published on June 9, 2021, here: https://bit.ly/3gpaJRR

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Working with conflict in the family enterprise

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 17 Feb 2022 02:00:00 +0000

That phrase applies generally to much of the work I do. It also applies specifically to a seminar on April 6, 2022. It is presented by the Family Firm Institute (FFI) and FFI Fellows and graduates of the FFI GEN program are encouraged to attend. https://www.ffigen.org/courses/working-with-conflict-in-the-family-enterprise.

The very creation of the course reflects the recognition that conflict is inevitable. So, let’s get better at dealing with it! Some basic understanding of causes of conflict, how it can appear, how advisors can understand and monitor their own responses to conflict, some easy-to-use tools, and ideas about where to get help for difficult situations are all on the agenda.

When advisors feel more competent and confident about their own abilities around conflict, it is truly a win-win situation.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Using email to prevent conflicts

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 10 Feb 2022 02:00:00 +0000

Email is often blamed for causing or inflaming conflict. And rightly so. Sometimes, it can prevent conflicts. An email reminder of a spoken agreement can solidify memory of it, reassure all that they have the same understanding (or create the opportunity to clarify if they do not) and save face if someone just might forget the details of the agreement.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Crystal Thorpe on Elder and Adult Family Mediation

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, Crystal Thorpe) — Thu, 3 Feb 2022 02:00:00 +0000

Crystal Thorpe is an experienced mediator whose areas of expertise include Elder and Adult Family Mediation. We talk about what it is, and how it helps families work through an immediate dispute regarding an older loved one. And how it can help families get better at handling conflict in the future.

You can learn more about Crystal’s work and reach her through https://agreementresources.com/ and http://www.elderdecisions.com/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Do-overs, rewinds, and mulligans

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 27 Jan 2022 02:00:00 +0000

Pick your favorite colloquial term: do-over, rewind, or mulligan. Whichever it is, that may be an excellent Goldilocks type of option when a difficult exchange (or series of them) has occurred where a relationship is valued and ongoing. Not an explicit dissection of what went wrong, perhaps in excruciatingly painful detail. And not silence, with no acknowledgement of any problem at all.

Instead, a decision to have another go at it. Without assigning fault, but with a determination to do better. Not too much and not too little: the Goldilocks approach.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Impartial or neutral?

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 20 Jan 2022 02:00:00 +0000

When you hear the words impartial and neutral, you may have a clear sense of a difference between the two -- or you may think that they are fully interchangeable. In the realm of conflict management or conflict resolution, the use of these different words can cause genuine, strong disagreement. Perhaps the best way to think of the neutral/impartial question is the fairness of that third party. Whatever the term, is the third party who is responsible for the mediation process being fair in handling the process?

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

John A Warnick, family wealth counselor and PPI founder

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, John A. Warnick, John A Warnick) — Thu, 13 Jan 2022 02:00:00 +0000

“John A” Warnick describes himself as a recovering tax attorney and family wealth counselor. John A and I talk about his professional journey, the founding of the Purposeful Planning Institute, PPI, and serendipity. You can reach John A here: johna@purposefulplanninginstitute.com or 720.458.7770. You can learn more about PPI here: https://purposefulplanninginstitute.com/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Old habits and new opportunities

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 6 Jan 2022 02:00:00 +0000

As with conflict, we can think of habits as being good, bad, and ugly. As this new year begins, it’s a logical time to look for new opportunities in how we handle conflict. Two suggestions: pick one habit that’s negative and try to do lessof it. AND, just as important, pick one habit that’s positive and try to do more of that one.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Fan favorites of 2021

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 30 Dec 2021 02:00:00 +0000

I want to share three solo episodes, in particular, with you. The first two sound connected, and they are somewhat.

Back in January, on the 27th, Episode 109 was on the topic of Unity and Unanimity. A related theme appeared in Episode 132, published on July 7, 2021: Independence and Unity.

Each is under seven minutes, start to finish, and listeners have found them especially helpful.

The third is Turkeys and Lizards Don’t Mix Well. Episode 151, under six minutes, published on November 17, 2021, a week ahead of the Thanksgiving holiday in the US. Turkey – the traditional dish. Lizard brain – the speak before you think part. In fact, a particular phrase in that episode resonated deeply. And it applies in any situation that is already a negative conflict or is heading in that direction:

Don’t take the bait. Take a breath.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Solstice-inspired thoughts on perspective

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 23 Dec 2021 02:00:00 +0000

Some thoughts on the time of the solstice. The time of the solstice is one of extremes: days that are very short or very long. Extremes invite negative conflict. Yet we can try not to view our starting points as positioned as far apart as possible. When I was a young child, I believed that my December 21st birthday was a shorter day than everyone else’s: an early example of the challenge of unequal seeming unfair! Worse still, I didn’t understand the reason for the inequality. Finally, my birthday coincided with the shortest day because I lived in the Northern Hemisphere. That was my starting point. We all start from somewhere and that spot is a little or a lot different from those of other people. That difference provides an opportunity to find disagreement or to embrace the chance to learn, collaborate, and grow!

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Cash Nickerson on negotiation as a martial art

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, Cash Nickerson) — Thu, 16 Dec 2021 02:00:00 +0000

Cash Nickerson’s latest book, Negotiation as a Martial Art, describing the power of asking “why” and listening with curiosity and patience to what you hear – including giving the other person plenty of time to respond. He’s not so sure about how to separate the people from the problem, as suggested in Getting to Yes: sometimes the people are the problem. And yes, you can negotiate with bullies – it just takes some extra thought.

You can reach him and learn more about his books at https://cashnickerson.com/. You can reach him at cash@cashnickerson.com

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Listening for the need behind the words

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 9 Dec 2021 02:00:00 +0000

When we hear something that surprises us – and that we don’t agree with – it can be easy to jump to outrage and stay there. Stewing in the outrage and dismissing the person who said such a thing. Conflict embraced and solidified. “How could they say that!!” might be more useful as “How could they say that?” A question instead of an exclamation. A consideration of the need behind the words.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Toby Travis on trust, in education and beyond

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, Toby Travis) — Thu, 2 Dec 2021 02:00:00 +0000

Trust is a critical foundation to collaboration and positive change in any setting, education and far beyond. Trust can lead to a culture the fosters collaboration. When trust needs to be repaired, four commitments will help: a commitment to small and consistent actions; a commitment to humility and listening; a commitment to extending forgiveness and trust to others; and a commitment to completing the repairs.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Gratitude, platitudes, and attitudes

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 25 Nov 2021 02:00:00 +0000

Gratitude is a deeply personal emotion. Embracing a platitude that doesn’t feel right to us can lead to inner -- and even outer – conflict. Attitudes of judgment about other people’s apparent gratitude, based on our own perspective start us down the path of conflict.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Turkeys and lizards don’t mix well

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 18 Nov 2021 02:00:00 +0000

Next week, Thanksgiving Day is celebrated in the U.S. Turkey is often on the menu. And conflict is a frequent accompaniment as extended, intergenerational families come together. Our “lizard brain”, in the context of interpersonal conflict, is the part of our human brain that is like a lizard’s: quick but not careful. We can think ahead about how to avoid problems that we know are likely to occur; we can prepare to be at our own best; and we can take a pause (and not the bait) if an opportunity to lash out presents itself.

These ideas can be useful in many contexts beyond Thanksgiving in the U.S. Family gatherings, workplace situations, and neighborhood meetings are all opportunities to be thoughtful and to plan ahead.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Toxic positivity

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 11 Nov 2021 02:00:00 +0000

Toxic positivity is excessive and ineffective emphasis on a happy and optimistic take on a situation. It can do harm to the person on the receiving end of it and to the relationship between that person and the person engaging it. Even when – as is usually the case, good intentions motivate it. Still, an opportunity for unnecessary interpersonal conflict.

Better to listen and to offer authentic support that doesn’t do damage to a person already upset or to the relationship that person has with someone who they thought would make them feel better, not worse.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

To assume is to ...

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 4 Nov 2021 01:00:00 +0000

There’s an expression that “to assume” is to make an a-s-s out of u and me. Note that it’s a two-way street of trouble: it’s bad for both of us. Assumptions can be harmful in many contexts. One is inherited personal property. We have heard plenty about conflicts over items of limited monetary value that have the same or similar significant emotional value to family members. My guest last week, Marlene Stum, cautioned that conflict can arise when some people value an item deeply and another can’t understand what all the fuss is about and why time and energy are wasted on it.

Another context is that of unequal wealth. Harmful assumptions, often applied to the wealthier family, can lead to hurt feelings and lost opportunities. Better to check our assumptions and find out if they are truly justified.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Marlene Stum on Who Gets Grandma’s Yellow Pie Plate

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, Marlene Stum) — Thu, 28 Oct 2021 01:00:00 +0000

Marlene Stum is in her thirty-third year at the University of Minnesota. Her particular interest and expertise involves research and educational resources to help later life families preserver their financial security and social well-being. We discuss the six factors of the Who Gets Granma’s Yellow Pie Plate? project. Practical research-based resources are available through https://extension.umn.edu/transferring-property/transferring-non-titled-property. Marlene suggests that families could watch the 38 minute video available there or on YouTube, and then discuss the implications for their own family. The workbook is another way for families to take advantage of the findings of the research of Marlene and her team.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Deborah Tannen’s article on “cooperative overlapping”

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 21 Oct 2021 01:00:00 +0000

In a recently published article, Deborah Tannen described the concept of “cooperative overlapping”. In the article, she explains how she coined the phrase in her 1984 book, Conversational Style. The idea is that interrupting someone who is speaking can be a positive: it’s meant to show engagement in what the speaker is saying and to encourage the speaker to continue. Read her article here:

https://www.nytimes.com/2021/09/25/opinion/interrupting-cooperative-overlapping.html?searchResultPosition=1

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Deborah Tannen's work on the mechanics of conversation

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 14 Oct 2021 01:00:00 +0000

Deborah Tannen describes herself as a linguist who studies the mechanics of conversation. Her studies, articles, and books cover a wide range of potentially thorny types of conversation. The key takeaways regarding conflict? Although we may have different approaches to conversation, one is not necessarily better than another.

Our challenge is understanding that we have these differences and not jumping to make negative assumptions about them.

http://www.deborahtannen.com/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Cindy Radu on the underappreciated opportunities of trusts

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, Cindy Radu) — Thu, 7 Oct 2021 01:00:00 +0000

Cindy Radu brings a background in law and accounting to her work with legacy families. In particular, her deep expertise with trusts enables Cindy to help families achieve their wealth legacy goals. She offers three specific takeaways. First, communicate about the purpose of a trust -- the mission, vision, and values behind it. Second, intentionally activate the trust. Third, collaboration among all involved is essential: the grantors, the trustees, the beneficiaries, and the professional advisors.

You can learn more about Cindy’s work at her website: https://cindyradu.com/ . Reach her by email here: connect@cindyradu.com. She welcomes messages through LinkedIn here: https://www.linkedin.com/in/raducindy/

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Benefits of the doubt

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 30 Sep 2021 01:00:00 +0000

The phrase “giving someone the benefit of the doubt” suggests only one benefit, bestowed by one person upon another, when trustworthiness is accepted, even though there is some question about it. The benefits are actually broader: the relationship is spared the stress of distrust and possible rupture and the one “giving” the benefit is relieved of the burden of judging the other person as untrustworthy.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Managing availability bias

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 23 Sep 2021 01:00:00 +0000

Availability bias, also known as the availability heuristic, is the idea that we tend to value -- overweight even -- information that comes to mind quickly when making decisions. It’s a mental shortcut in processing information. Recent events, those that touch us personally, and those that are highly unusual come to mind more readily.

In a conflict, if two people are trying to reach a decision, it’s to be expected that both people are affected by availability bias. And, it’s only logical, that this brain shortcut will lead them to slightly different or tremendously different results. Because they are processing different data. An awareness of this type of bias is an important first step by in itself. Next, we can slow ourselves down in the decision-making process. We can consider if we are giving too much weight to a piece of information or occurrence because it affected us, individually; because it was highly unusual (and thus the subject of lots of attention); or because it happened recently.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Richard Lutringer on mediation within litigation

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, Richard Lutringer) — Thu, 16 Sep 2021 01:00:00 +0000

Richard has extensive experience in mediation within the context of litigation: by court rule, a judge’s order or suggestion, or on the parties’ own initiative. We discuss the advantages of working with a skilled mediator in commercial litigation matters. We also discuss how family business mediation differs from a purely commercial scenario.

You can learn more about Richard’s work at his website: https://www.lutringeradrconsulting.com/ . You can reach him by email here: rlutringer@mac.com

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Understanding positions and interests

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 9 Sep 2021 01:00:00 +0000

In conflict, the distinction between positions – what we say we must have – and interests – the motivations behind those statements -- is critically important. Recognizing that interests lie behind positions is the first step. Assuming we know the interests isn’t a good next step. We need to understand, in ourselves and others, what those motivations are. We might be surprised.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Stuck between a rock and a hard place

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 2 Sep 2021 01:00:00 +0000

It’s a popular expression, but not a helpful one when applied to interpersonal conflict. The phrased overgeneralizes. It can oversimplify how many “sides” are present in a conflict. It fails to recognize that people – in contrast to rocks – are dynamic. It doesn’t take into account that people may have a hard position on one part of an issue, but not all. And it assumes a negative, self-fulfilling perspective – if we believe that all is hopeless, we nearly guarantee that it is!

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Nance Schick on lessons from ethno-religious mediation

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, Nance Schick) — Thu, 26 Aug 2021 01:00:00 +0000

Nance described her journey to her work as a conflict resolution specialist, including experience in human resources, professionally and personally, law school, and a corporate setting with a strong alternative dispute resolution process.

She eventually learned about the International Center for Ethno-Religious Mediation. Through ICER, Nance completed an eight-week training course and certification. As important as that work is in its direct application to ethno-religious conflicts, Nance shared specific takeaways that can be used in many types of conflicts. First, as a mediator, you are not there to judge, even in extraordinary circumstances. Second, focus on the goal of giving those involved as many tools as possible to move forward with their lives and end the conflict. Third, practice patience.

You can learn more about the ICER here: https://www.icermediation.org/You can learn more about Nance’s work at Third Ear Conflict Resolution here: https://nschicklaw.com/ and on Linked In, YouTube, and Facebook. Information on her book, DIY Conflict Resolution, is available here: https://nschicklaw.com/diy-conflict-resolution-book/.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

The many meanings of silence

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 19 Aug 2021 01:00:00 +0000

Silence, in the context of conflict, can have many meanings. When someone stops communicating, the other person or other people must guess what it means – and the interpretation might be incomplete or completely wrong. On a more positive note, when people are in conflict and one embraces silence to truly listen carefully to what someone else is saying, that silence shows respect and helps possible solutions to the conflict surface and be heard.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Swimming and conflict

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 12 Aug 2021 01:00:00 +0000

Learning to deal with conflict well, just like learning to swim, is a teachable life skill. We are, understandably, afraid of the danger that water can pose. When we learn to swim, we handle that danger and that fear better. So, too, with conflict. When we learn to handle it better, with more competence and more confidence, we fear it less.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Genevieve Chornenki: a dispute resolver who became a complainant

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, Genevieve Chornenki) — Thu, 5 Aug 2021 01:00:00 +0000

Genevieve Chornenki was a seasoned dispute resolution consultant when an avoidable medical event with serious consequences thrust her into new roles. From her perspective as someone who had served as a neutral in a wide range of processes, she experienced being an injured person, a complainant, a client, and a person labelled as a victim.

Genevieve shares some highlights of the insights she sets out in her book, “Don’t Lose Sight: vanity, incompetence, and my ill-fated left eye”. She encourages potential purchasers to order it through a local, independent bookstore if possible. If not, it is available through online retailers in both paperback and electronic formats. You can reach Genevieve at gac@chornenki.com. She invites you to follow her on Instagram, @chornenkigenevieve.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

PPI and leaning into conflict

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 29 Jul 2021 01:00:00 +0000

PPI is Purposeful Planning Institute. At PPI’s RendeZoom, Betsy Erickson, Steve Legler, and I led a breakout session on Leaning into Conflict, with confidence and competence. Here are a few take-aways for trusted advisors. Though it’s not helpful to ignore your own discomfort with conflict, owning up to it is fine! The families that advisors work with frequently believe that they are the only ones who experience interpersonal conflict. Simply assuring client families that other families struggle provides significant client service. In some circumstances, an advisor who has no particular expertise in conflict management will be able to help the family over a small hurdle. And if the conflict facing a family is more than you as an advisor feel you can or should take on – there is help out there. People whose focus is on helping families work through the challenges of promoting good conflict and addressing the bad. Just reach out.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Planning, plans, and conflict

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 22 Jul 2021 01:00:00 +0000

Specific written plans to deal with potential conflict can be helpful: both by acknowledging that conflict happens and by having a process in place when it is needed. Those specifics are themselves part of a plan: a contract, a family charter, a workplace policy. Many of us find planning hard to do: we need to face difficult facts, make tough decisions, and devote resources (time, money, and energy) to doing it well. Three steps can help us get past our own or our clients’ conflict: acknowledge that it is difficult; start with something simple instead of nothing; and expect to review and make changes in the future.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Betsy Erickson on handling conflict effectively with philanthropic families

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Betsy Erickson, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 15 Jul 2021 01:00:00 +0000

Betsy recognizes that conflict is a normal occurrence in families, and helps families engaged in philanthropy to understand that they are not alone in experiencing it. In fact, family conflict may emerge for the first time when families create the structures and make the decisions necessary for wise philanthropy. She and her team are alert for the first signs of conflict and work with families to address it before lasting damage can occur. Betsy mentioned The National Center for Family Philanthropy https://www.ncfp.org/. You can learn more about her work at https://www.arabellaadvisors.com/. You can reach her through betsy@arabellaadvisors.com or 202.595.1036.

We also talk about our session, with Steve Legler, at the Purposeful Planning Institute’s RendeZoom, July 21 through July 23, virtually. Our session: How can advisors lean into conflict, with confidence? is designed to be engaging and interactive. It’s not too late to join us! Here’s the link to learn more and to register: https://purposefulplanninginstitute.com/2021-rendezoom.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Independence and unity

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 8 Jul 2021 01:00:00 +0000

Enterprising families and legacy families need to embrace a balance between unity and independence. Unity that is more accurately described as forced lockstep is dangerous. At the same time, honoring family values and the value of staying together will temper leaning too far into independence.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Monica Clare on the intersection of conflict and trauma

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, Monica Clare) — Thu, 1 Jul 2021 01:00:00 +0000

:Trauma plays a significant and underappreciated role in conflict. What triggers us and what triggers others is a reflection of our past traumatic experiences: as individuals, as descendants, and as a reflection of our times. Monica Clare is a mediator and leadership coach who focuses on family businesses. We discuss her personal experiences and the methodologies she uses. Learn more about Otto Scharmer’s Theory U here: https://www.ottoscharmer.com/theoryu and The Presencing Institute here: https://www.presencing.org/. Learn more about Thomas Huebl and his work on healing collective trauma and the Collective Trauma Integration Process here: https://thomashuebl.com/. The work of Clare Graves led to the development of the theory of Spiral Dynamics; Ken Wilber built on that theory with his Integral Theory.

Learn more about Monica at her website or on LinkedIn: https://www.monica-clare.ca/ and https://www.linkedin.com/in/monica-clare-508a842/ . You can contact her here: monica@monica-clare.ca.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Timing -- not quite everything, yet critically important

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 24 Jun 2021 01:00:00 +0000

The question of timing is worth your attention. It’s not everything, but it is something that can profoundly affect how well conflict is handled. The “when” question has two steps. First step, when to broach the subject of having a conversation. Second, when to have the conversation. Sometimes, but not always, those will be the same. As a first step, you may be seeking the commitment of the other person to address what is going on. For more on the need to seek a commitment to address the conflict, tune in to Episode 39, published on September 25, 2019 – on any podcast app or here: https://bit.ly/2SL2SGs.

Broach the subject when the other person (or people) are most likely to be receptive to the overture. Think about the calendar, their schedule, and when this particular person is at their best. Set up for a successful conversation.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Overcoming confirmation bias

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 17 Jun 2021 01:00:00 +0000

Confirmation bias, the tendency to look only for data that supports an opinion, reinforces negative conflict. We can overcome confirmation bias when we work to be aware of it, we consider where we get information (an “echo chamber” doesn’t help), how we glean information (go beyond sensational headlines), and interpret information (not a knee-jerk acceptance or rejection, but a thoughtful approach). Better still, we can try to avoid surrounding ourselves with people who think just like us.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Mitzi Perdue on the importance of family business culture

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, Mitzi Perdue) — Thu, 10 Jun 2021 01:00:00 +0000

Mitzi Perdue has a unique perspective on the importance of family business culture: she was born into the Henderson family, founders of the Sheraton Hotel chain, and she married into the Perdue family, where her husband, Frank, was the head of the family-owned poultry business. Both families are thriving through the generations.

Mitzi talked about the importance of families spending time together – starting with Gen1, the first generation, eating meals together. She mentioned the work of Professor Robyn Fivush of Emory University. As the family grows, creating reasons for the family to spend time together becomes essential: holidays, reunions, or other regular, fun events work well. Traditions cement the feeling of family unity.

Philanthropy helps families join in a common, positive purpose. Mitzi is dedicated to the fight to stop human trafficking. Learn more at https://www.winthisfight.org/ Win This Fight focuses on “two of the greatest needs of the anti-trafficking community: we raise funds for other anti-trafficking organizations, and we help raise awareness.”

Learn more about Mitzi’s passion for helping family businesses thrive through generations here: https://mitziperdue.com/

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

When a dispute uncovers a conflict

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 3 Jun 2021 01:00:00 +0000

Disputes and conflicts. Those of us who spend a lot of time thinking about and dealing with interpersonal disagreements don’t necessarily use those words interchangeably. A dispute has the connotation of a specific point of contention. A conflict, on the other hand, suggests a disagreement that may be longer-lasting or possibly broader.

When a dispute erupts between or among people who are in an ongoing relationship, there may also be a conflict beneath it. It’s best to go beneath the dispute to look for an underlying conflict and deal with what you find. Now if you can, later if you can’t.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Family Business Mediation

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 27 May 2021 01:00:00 +0000

:Family Business Mediation helps families and their businesses, large or small, to deal with conflicts effectively. Family businesses are certain to face challenges, by their nature. Typically, these include: a mix of emotions and money; individuals who wear multiple hats;

long-term relationships, expectations, and memories; power imbalances; and a multi-generational time horizon. This episode provides a brief overview. If you would like to dive deeper, please join Richard Lutringer, Jack Wofford, Natalie McVeigh, and me at the virtual annual conference of the Greater New York Chapter of the Association for Conflict Resolution. On Thursday, June 3, we will offer an interactive presentation on “Family Business Mediation – Addressing Unspoken Factors Driving Business Challenges.” You can register here:

https://acrgny.org/ACRGNY-2021-Conference-Schedule-and-Speakers

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Bryant Galindo on startups, disagreements, and the new middle

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, Bryant Galindo) — Thu, 20 May 2021 01:00:00 +0000

Disagreements can happen in any business relationship. Startups may face challenges unique to their nature, including issues surrounding the value that each partner is bringing to the venture, when they hope to achieve their goals, and how to onboard employees in the startup environment. Bryant describes how he came to work with these businesses, and others that attract millennials. We also discuss Bryant’s upcoming book, “The New Middle: Disagreeing with Heart and Mind When it Matters Most.” In it, he reflects on themes that have arisen in his work in conflict resolution, including the need to treat each other with respect and to remember why they began working together. You can learn more about Bryant and his work at the firm he founded, CollabsHQ, here: www.collabshq.com. Bryant is active on LinkedIn; you can read his articles and posts, and see book updates here: https://www.linkedin.com/in/bryantgalindo/ .

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

The Mediator who became a Politician

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 13 May 2021 01:00:00 +0000

Gary Friedman, a highly-respected and deeply-experienced mediator, ran for local office in the small Northern California town where he had lived for 40 years. Recently, tensions had flared in town meetings over a few local issues. Amanda Ripley, author of High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out, wrote about his foray into politics in her article, “I Got Obama’d”.https://www.politico.com/news/magazine/2021/05/01/conflict-resolution-politics-amanda-ripley-excerpt-484786

Starting out with a goal of including everyone, Gary soon fell into the trap of divisive politics, and tensions escalated. He and his allies lost power. He then regained his perspective and worked to help to help his neighbors understand each other – even when they disagreed. Then conflict could lead to something productive, to true problem-solving.

What some of us like to call “good conflict”, the creative and collaborative kind.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Restorative Justice: its growth in use and application

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 6 May 2021 01:00:00 +0000

Use of Restorative Justice in criminal justice and its application in other areas have both grown in recent years. Restorative Justice has a focus beyond punishment of offenders that includes the needs of the victims. In addition to broader use in the criminal justice arena, Restorative Justice has grown in application to include schools, religious institutions, and societies at large.

Howard Zehr, a Restorative Justice pioneer, offers these questions to consider if a process is accurately described as Restorative Justice. Are the wrongs being acknowledged? Are the needs of those who were harmed being addressed? Is the one who committed the harm being encouraged to understand the damage and accept his or her obligation to make right the wrong? Are those involved in or affected by this being invited to be part of the “solution?” Is concern being shown for everyone involved? If the answers to these questions are “no,” then even though it may have restorative elements, it isn’t restorative justice.” https://zehr-institute.org/what-is-rj/

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Amy Kay Watson on coaching and Internal Family Systems Therapy

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Amy Kay Watson, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 29 Apr 2021 01:00:00 +0000

Internal Family Systems Therapy allows an individual to support one’s own contradictory parts.

Amy is a certified leadership coach who has pulled together a range of professional and personal experiences that help her serve her clients. One aspect of her coaching work is the application of Internal Family Systems Therapy. The IFS model accepts and welcomes the various parts that we each hold within us. You can learn more about IFS here: https://ifs-institute.com/ Learn more about Amy and her work at her website, https://careerleadershipalignment.com/ Facebook, https://www.facebook.com/AmyKayWatsonCoach/ and LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/in/amykaywatson/ .

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Shocks and aftershocks

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 22 Apr 2021 01:00:00 +0000

When a bad conflict ends, consider carefully how to deal with any sudden and severe shift to your foundation. There is a shock. A shock to you. A shock to the other person -- or people – and a shock to the relationship itself. And it’s predictable that those shocks will have effects. What they are and when they will occur is less predictable. Often, even less predictable are the aftershocks. Don’t be thrown by the shock. Whether it’s a shock or an aftershock, try hard to avoid a knee-jerk reaction to lash out and hurt others in the relationship. Though the immediate lash-out may seem satisfying in the moment, that feeling can fade very quickly. And then the “jerk” part remains.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Misunderstanding estrangement

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 15 Apr 2021 01:00:00 +0000

Truly understanding estrangement is quite tough; clearing up some misconceptions is easier. There’s often a tilt to the misunderstanding of estrangement. A tilt to the negative, the hopeless, a belief in a guaranteed increased hardening as time goes on. There can also be a misunderstanding about how the two “sides” view the estrangement itself, even if they agree about how they started on the path to estrangement. It’s common to believe everyone chooses anger, reciprocal rejection, or a genuine effort to forget about those on the other side. That’s not always the case, as demonstrated by the words of a man, years into an estrangement, who said this about his brother: “He’s in the family. Absent but loved.”

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Marguerite Lorenz on independent trustees and preventing harmful family conflict

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, Marguerite Lorenz) — Thu, 8 Apr 2021 01:00:00 +0000

Families can benefit if they leave the work of fiduciary duties to a dedicated professional trustee and focus on being a family. Marguerite describes the duties, including obligations of ethics and fairness, that trustees must fulfill. Communications with all the relevant people are essential, while also preserving the agency of an aging person. If a family member -- and not a professional -- is acting as trustee, communication is even more important because of real, imagined, or potential conflicts of interest. You can learn more about Marguerite and Lorenz Private Trustees at https://www.mytrustee.net/ . Her book, Ethics for Trustees 2.0, is available on Amazon.

Marguerite also talked about the work of the Independent Trustee Alliance, an international professional alliance dedicated to growing and supporting the Independent Trustee profession. Learn more here: https://www.trusteealliance.com/.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Embracing Reconciliation Day as a catalyst

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 1 Apr 2021 01:00:00 +0000

Reconciliation Day, April 2nd, can serve as a catalyst to start to heal an estrangement. The late advice columnist Ann Landers created the day as a time each year to extend an olive branch of reconciliation over hurts caused by words or actions. You can learn more about its origins in the April 2, 2019 Reconciliation Day episode: https://bit.ly/2PnuhMO.

Reconciliation Day can serve as a catalyst: an arbitrary day to make the first step toward ending an estrangement and reconciling. Think through how best to approach the other person. Use the fact of Reconciliation Day explicitly – it’s why you are reaching out now (no ulterior motive). And consider the step forward as just that: a step in the right direction on an important journey, and not the whole journey itself.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Directness and Intensity in Expressing Disagreement

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 25 Mar 2021 01:00:00 +0000

Both the directness and the intensity with which we express disagreement influence the solution. A paper titled “The Directness and Oppositional Intensity of Conflict Expression” explored combinations of high or low directness and high or low intensity in expressing opposition.

The best approach, according to the paper, is high directness/low intensity. In that case, the clear expression of opposition leads to a clear understanding of it. And a low intensity approach allows those involved to focus on the problem they are trying to solve and to avoid getting caught up in personal attacks or defenses. Say what you mean, mean what you say – but get your point across without being mean.

The brief newspaper article featuring the research paper can be found here: https://www.nytimes.com/2015/05/10/business/be-direct-and-low-key-to-defuse-discord-at-the-office.html “Applied Science” column, New York Times, May 10, 2015, Phyllis Korkki, “Defuse Discord at the Office: Be More Direct”. An abstract of the research paper and information on accessing the entire piece can be found here: https://journals.aom.org/doi/abs/10.5465/amr.2013.0124. “The Directness and Oppositional Intensity of Conflict Expression” byLaurie R. Weingart, Kristin J. Behfar, Corinne Bendersky,Gergana Todorova,and Karen A. Jehn.Published Online on April 22, 2014.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

James Grubman, PhD, on family wealth, differences, conflicts, and negotiation

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, Jim Grubman, James Grubman) — Thu, 18 Mar 2021 01:00:00 +0000

Jim shares insights from his deep experience with legacy families – and shares a secret tip. Jim noted a few key points. Not all differences are going to lead to damaging conflicts. When families work to manage conflicts, it’s not just about communication; negotiation will be necessary. Families will help themselves when they work to improve skills that promote effective negotiation. Families can then carry forward a new template for their interaction, one that will better serve future generations.

You can learn more about Jim and his publications at http://jamesgrubman.com/. You can reach him at jim@jamesgrubman.com. Jim is a Faculty Advisor for the Ultra High Net Worth Institute. Learn more about the Institute here: https://www.uhnwinstitute.org/

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Desmond Tutu quote on persuasion

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 11 Mar 2021 02:00:00 +0000

Wise words from Desmond Tutu: “Don’t raise your voice, improve your argument.” Increasing your volume isn’t likely to win over anyone, and it might make matters worse. Improving your argument doesn’t mean make your language nastier, use big words where smaller ones would be better, or say everything twice.Instead: find the weak points in your argument and make them stronger, make the vague points clearer, be specific, and think through the likely objections of the other person. The point of all of these thoughts is that you can more effectively attempt topersuade someone else to see things from your point of view if you leave out the volume and the venom. And that can be true in a multimillion-dollar lawsuit or a chat with a family member.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 4 Mar 2021 02:00:00 +0000

March weather in some places can be like the participants in a mediation.

In some parts of the world, the month of March starts cold and blustery and ends in a milder, gentler manner. The same can be true in the mediation process. People may start out frozen in their positions and feeling aggressive. By the end of the process, they may be willing to find a more temperate and more nimble way forward together.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Richa Singh on conflict, governance, and “cleansing”

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Richa Singh, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 25 Feb 2021 02:00:00 +0000

Enterprising families can prevent nasty conflicts by embracing governance and “cleansing”

Richa describes how families can adopt governance processes that fit their own situation, at the current time, and adapt them as circumstances change. Having these processes in place to address challenging issues can prevent nasty conflict from occurring. In some cases, a family benefits from a “cleansing” to bring to the surface underlying, ongoing conflicts before building a new foundation for family and business success.

Learn more about Richa at https://www.linkedin.com/in/richa-singh-831396b1/. Contact her to find out more about a complimentary consultation by email, singh@thefbcg.com, phone or text, 1+720.215.1286. The Family Business Consulting Group offers free resources here: https://www.thefbcg.com/ .

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Planning ahead for a prenup talk

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 18 Feb 2021 02:00:00 +0000

Talking about why a prenup makes sense before a potential life partner is involved prevents unnecessary conflict.

The idea of a prenup can cause hurt and anger in the person who is asked to sign one. A large part of the problem is the feeling that that being asked to sign one means that the spouse or, more likely, the intended spouse’s parents “don’t trust me!” or “don’t like me!” If the parents discuss their feelings about the benefits of a prenup before their offspring are likely to meet a potential life partner, then it becomes obvious that the particular person chosen is not being targeted or personally rejected in some way. Planning ahead can prevent significant conflicts in a number of situations, including prenups.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Opting out of “insanity”

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 11 Feb 2021 04:04:36 +0000

Approaching conflict the same way repeatedly and expecting different results is “insanity”.

Three different perspectives on handling conflict effectively suggest that taking the same approach to conflict over and again and expecting different (and, implicitly, better) results is “insanity”. Dr. Jennifer Goldman-Wetzler’s Optimal Outcomes Method, Cinnie Nobles’ CINERGY® Conflict Management Coaching Model, and The Mediation Training Institute’s Conflict Dynamics Profile ® all encourage first recognizing and then working to change the conflict habits that aren’t serving us well.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Jennifer Goldman-Wetzler, PhD, on Optimal Outcomes and freeing yourself from conflict

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, Jennifer Goldman-Wetzler) — Thu, 4 Feb 2021 02:00:00 +0000

When situations resist resolution, the Optimal Outcomes Method teaches us conflict freedom.

An Optimal Outcome maximizes our imagined future and reality. The method helps us to understand the conflict loop, to break the conflict pattern, and free ourselves from the loop. Learn more about Jen’s book, Optimal Outcomes: Free Yourself from Conflict at Work, at Home, and in Life at https://jengoldmanwetzler.com/the-book/. Multiple free resources are available at https://jengoldmanwetzler.com/resources/.

Unity and unanimity

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 28 Jan 2021 02:00:00 +0000

Unity of values or purpose can overcome a lack of unanimity on details. If unity requires that everyone is in unanimous, complete, agreement on every detail, then unity will be impossible to achieve in all but the smallest or the most rigid of groups. Better to have unity of values or unity of purpose and then live with the lack of unanimity on the smaller points. But one thing is crucial: We all can more easily embrace unity and live with a lack of unanimity when the process for making decisions is thought to be fair.

Humble in victory and gracious in defeat

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 21 Jan 2021 02:00:00 +0000

Christopher Earle coined an excellent phrase about winners and losers.Be humble in victory and gracious in defeat. Conflict often ends with some as winners and some as losers. The current winner can become the loser next time – and vice versa. The choice we make – and it is a choice – about how to behave should reflect our own sense of honor. It’s true, too, that others will notice how we conduct ourselves and remember it in the future.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Tsitsi Mutendi on her work with Nhaka Legacy Planning and African Family Firms

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Tsitsi Mutendi) — Thu, 14 Jan 2021 02:00:00 +0000

Research and support for family firms is relatively new in Africa, a key motivation behind Tsitsi’s work. She knew about the work of family firms from an early age – both those that thrived and those that failed. An entrepreneur at heart, Tsitsi has become passionate about helping African family enterprises network, learn, and receive the recognition they deserve. She recently earned Certificates in Family Wealth Advising and Family Business Advising from the Family Firm Institute. You can learn more about her consultancy work here: https://www.nhakalegacy.com/and the organization she co-founded here: https://www.africanfamilyfirms.org/. Her podcast is Enterprising Families.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

The meaning of Dovetail Resolutions

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 7 Jan 2021 03:25:29 +0000

Dovetail Resolutions, LLC: high-quality, customized approaches to conflict that fit. The concept of dovetailing is well-known: things fitting together well. A dovetail joint is highly valued in carpentry: a custom creation, where the two pieces form a strong, interlocking connection. Resolutions sometimes represent conflict resolution of the mediated agreement type. Other times, a resolution is a commitment: the people involved agree to a plan of action, or to a change in tone, or to undertaking some sort of activity that will serve them better than fighting. And a bonus meaning: the word “dovetail” comes from the image of a dove’s flared tail. What do we call a dove? The bird of peace. That’s the meaning of Dovetail Resolutions, LLC.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Observations on 2020

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 31 Dec 2020 02:00:00 +0000

2020 provides some useful takeaways for dealing with conflict effectively.

This year has been full of challenges and many are happy to put it behind them. As we turn the page, we can benefit from remembering a few lessons. First, many individuals reached across differences to help each other – these successes can be lost in the scope of the challenges. Second, when grappling with the issue of racial inequality – and other issues, too – we do well to remember that we are all individuals, and worthy persons. Third, as Damian Barr stated, we are in the same storm, but not the same boat. We all have different experiences, which shape our perspectives. Respecting those differences allows us to handle them better.

Finally, many thanks to my listeners, guests, and fellow podcasters. One guarantee for 2021: conflict will be a part of life. And, we can get better at dealing with it well.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Todd Cherches on visual leadership

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Todd Cherches, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 24 Dec 2020 02:00:00 +0000

A focus on visual leadership helps leaders more effectively imagine, communicate, and inspire.

Visual images are proven to help us conceive of ideas, express those ideas to others, and encourage people to join us on a journey. You can learn more about Todd on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toddcherches/. His personal website includes tips and information on his new book, VisuaLeadership ®, Leveraging the Power of Visual Thinking in Leadership and in Life, through his website. https://www.toddcherches.com/. His company training website is http://www.bigbluegumball.com/.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Embracing the gray

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 17 Dec 2020 02:00:00 +0000

Though it’s tempting to see things as black or white, embracing the gray is often worth the effort.

What harmony isn't

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 10 Dec 2020 02:00:00 +0000

Harmony is about differences coming together, not everything being the same.

We understand harmony in music to be different parts combining in a positive way. But we sometimes think of human harmony as a group without differences. In fact, human harmony mirrors musical harmony: the differences create the depth of the sound.

You can experience the NYC Virtual Choir and Orchestra demonstrating lovely human and musical harmony here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLPP3XmYxXg&ab_channel=ThePoddBrothers

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Sarah Peyton on scapegoating

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, Sarah Peyton) — Thu, 3 Dec 2020 02:00:00 +0000

Scapegoating is a pattern of behavior that can harm not just the target, but the others in the group as well. Sarah Peyton is a Nonviolent Communication trainer and neuroscience educator. She uses her knowledge and experience to explain why our brains can embrace scapegoating (when we are not the target). We discuss how groups, especially in the workplace, get involved in scapegoating and how to break the pattern. You can learn more about Sarah and her work at https://www.yourresonantself.com/ , where you can also find free guided meditations for developing self-warmth and resonance.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

One hundred episodes of gratitude

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 26 Nov 2020 02:00:00 +0000

I am grateful for the 100 weekly episodes of Crafting Solutions to Conflict published to date.

This episode is the 100th weekly episode of the Crafting Solutions to Conflict podcast. I am thankful to Seth Godin and the coaches and peers who supported me through the second run of the Podcasting workshop, starting in October 2018. And to the Old Hands who were part of that group and continue to help me alone the journey. I am grateful for the guests who have graciously shared their insights. And, most of all, I am grateful for the listeners to this podcast. This podcast is for you.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

The Orange

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 19 Nov 2020 02:00:00 +0000

Fisher and Ury use The Orange as a vivid illustration of a key concept

In the book Getting to Yes, Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In, Roger Fisher and William Ury tell the story of the orange. It is a vivid illustration of the difference between interests and positions. When we state a position, it’s a proxy for our interest. If we focus on the interests behind positions, we may more easily find creative solutions to conflict. that we should focus on our interests and not our positions.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Howard Ross on the impact of bias on our perspective

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Howard J. Ross, Jane Beddall, Howard Ross) — Thu, 12 Nov 2020 02:00:00 +0000

Our unconscious bias shapes our perspective in ways we don’t easily recognize or accept.

Just days after the 2020 election in the U.S., we discuss how we all are affected by bias – in ways that we find hard to manage and hard to believe. Our emotional reactions are so fast and our commitment to our rationalizations so strong that it is difficult for us to change our own minds or to see that others may have their own values and perspectives that seem completely legitimate to them. The first steps to communicating with each other are accepting our humanity and being open to at least hearing an opposing point of view.

Howard mentioned his three books: Reinventing Diversity, Everyday Bias, and Our Search for Belonging. You can learn more about his work and contact him through LinkedIn, https://www.linkedin.com/in/howardjross/ , https://howardjross.com/ , or https://udarta.com/

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Let me count the ways

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 5 Nov 2020 02:00:00 +0000

The day after Election Day in the U.S. is featuring a number of factors that encourage conflict.

Today’s challenges include uncertainty, high emotions, exhaustion, a highly significant outcome, and lots of noise. All of these can contribute to negative, destructive conflict. Yet we have also seen an absence of conflict that had been feared by some: violence and disruption in the voting process. There have also been instances of positive conflict: Republican leaders contradicting a president of their own party. As the future unfolds, we should avoid holding our breath, both figuratively and unconsciously literally. Instead we should count our breaths, in and out.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Vik Kapoor on peer conflict coaching at the UN

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, Vik Kapoor) — Thu, 29 Oct 2020 01:00:00 +0000

Vik Kapoor on a UN Office of the Ombudsman pilot peer conflict coaching program

Vik describes a pilot peer conflict coaching program underway in over 40 countries, as part of the work of the UN Office of the Ombudsman. Vik notes that the views he expresses are his own and do not reflect the views of the United Nations or the U.S. Federal Government in any way; any errors and omissions are his own. The Office of the Ombudsman for United Nations Funds and Programmes' site is https://fpombudsman.org/

Vik also tells us about his coaching work with millennials in the U.S. You can find him on LinkedIn at www.linkedin.com/in/vikapoor and his website: www.extra-m.com. Vik also offers listeners his go-to self-care graphic by texting selfserve to 44222 (one word, and capitalization doesn't matter whatsoever). This will also subscribe them to his list to get updates on his self-coaching book coming out in April and other coaching resources.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Hidden threads of conflict

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 22 Oct 2020 01:00:00 +0000

Both inside the group in conflict and outside it, threads of conflict may be hidden below the surface.

Hidden Threads of Conflict is the title of a presentation next week for the annual global conference of the Family Firm Institute (FFI). I am part of a panel of three, which is part of a larger group, which is itself a subset of the FFI Mediation Virtual Study Group. It’s been great to work with Jack Wofford, Richard Lutringer, Ann Begler, Natalie McVeigh, Kathleen Hoye, Amy Wirtz, Susan Kaye, Chen Seft-Feiglin, and Marc Silverman.

Families, in particular, often think that their own family is the only one that faces conflict – or that theirs is worse than what others face. That’s one sense in which conflict is hidden: people don’t tell their friends and colleagues that they are battling within their extended families. Often conflict is hidden just below the surface. It doesn’t take much to bring it into the open, which can bring an end to stress of hiding it or pretending it isn’t there. Then attention can focus on dealing with the conflict or its basis. And next time there is some kind of conflict, the group will have experienced the benefits of not keeping the challenge hidden.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Conflict Resolution Day is October 15

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 15 Oct 2020 01:00:00 +0000

Every year, The Association for Conflict Resolution (ACR) celebrates Conflict Resolution Day. This year it’s on October 15th.

ACR is an international, professional organization enhancing the practice and public understanding of conflict resolution. Members include mediators, arbitrators, educators and other conflict resolution practitioners.

ACR’s Mission: ACR gives voice to the choices for quality conflict resolution.

ACR’s Vision: All people know their choices for conflict resolution.

The key word is choices: we make choices about how we will handle conflict.

In recognition of Conflict Resolution Day, ACR shared some quotes with members.

Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional. – Max Lucado
Conflict is the beginning of consciousness. – M. Esther Harding
In a conflict, being willing to change allows you to move from a point of view to a viewing point – A higher, more expansive place, from which you can see both sides. – Thomas Crum
Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen. – Winston Churchill

Learn more at acrnet.org

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Chuck Howard, International Ombudsman Association’s Executive Director

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, Chuck Howard) — Thu, 8 Oct 2020 01:00:00 +0000

An ombuds helps individuals and groups to resolve conflicts and concerns.

Chuck explains how the term ombudsman comes originally from the Swedish and means “representative”. Today you may hear ombuds, ombudsman, or ombudsperson.

According to the International Ombudsman Association: “Ombudsmen work in all types of organizations, including government agencies, colleges and universities, corporations, hospitals and other medical facilities, and news organizations. There are different types of ombudsmen with different roles, functional responsibilities, and standards of practice including organizational ombudsman, classical ombudsman, and advocate ombudsman.”

The organizational ombuds may be the most frequently encountered. As Chuck notes, the organizational ombuds benefits individuals and organizations – with the principle of confidentiality serving an essential function.

You can learn more at the IOA website: https://www.ombudsassociation.org/ and reach Chuck at choward@ombudsassociation.org.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

What am I missing?

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 1 Oct 2020 01:00:00 +0000

Considering what we’re missing can clarify why someone disagrees with us.

When we are in conflict and can’t understand how someone can hold the position they do, we can consider if we are missing something. Do we have partial information? Or outdated information? Does the other person have a perspective we don’t grasp? We ask ourselves what we’re missing. We can also ask the other person – with genuine curiosity. Even if no minds are changed immediately, channels of communication may be opened or strengthened.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Nonviolent Communication – a brief introduction

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 24 Sep 2020 01:00:12 +0000

Nonviolent Communication: communicating with clarity and empathy.

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg developed the concept of Nonviolent Communication – or NVC – and founded the Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC). Very generally, the NVC approach can be broken down into four parts: observing a situation -- without evaluation or judgment; noticing the feelings the situation brings to the surface; understanding what need or value is causing those feelings; and requesting concrete actions that you would like taken that would better meet your needs. You can learn more about NVC and the Center here: https://www.cnvc.org/

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Joseph Kuo, of Abundance Wealth Planning, on Motivational Interviewing

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, Joseph Kuo) — Thu, 17 Sep 2020 01:00:06 +0000

Motivational Interviewing helps people resolve inner conflicts and make changes that help them reach goals.

Joseph discussed his work as a financial and life planner and how he uses Motivational Interviewing to help his clients better understand how to match their behaviors to the goals they identify for themselves. Motivational Interviewing was developed by clinical psychologists William R. Miller and Stephen Rollnick in the area of addiction treatment. Its principles apply much more broadly and can help people resolve ambivalent or contradictory feelings and move to positive change.

You can learn more about Motivational Interviewing through the Motivational Interviewing Network of Trainers at https://motivationalinterviewing.org/. You can learn more about Josephs’ firm at https://abundancewp.com. You can contact him at joseph@abundancewp.com or 510.933.8347.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Mediation or facilitation -- what's the difference?

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 10 Sep 2020 01:00:05 +0000

In mediation, a trained neutral helps with conflict resolution; in facilitation, there is less or no focus on conflict.

Unlike facilitation, in mediation there is always an active dispute. In facilitation, there may be one brewing, one resolved but the resolution not yet implemented, or no dispute at all – just an interest in considering a topic or topics with care. You can learn more at the American Bar Association’s Dispute Resolution Section webpage, in the public access section: https://www.americanbar.org/groups/dispute_resolution/resources/DisputeResolutionProcesses/mediation/and

https://www.americanbar.org/groups/dispute_resolution/resources/DisputeResolutionProcesses/facilitation/. The International Association of Facilitators has its own description of facilitation: https://www.iaf-world.org/site/facilitators.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Going to the balcony

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 3 Sep 2020 01:00:05 +0000

William Ury’s idea of going to the balcony helps in a challenging conversation. In his book Getting Past No he sets out the idea of Going to the Balcony. Trying that strategy can help you three ways: 1) you avoid a knee-jerk reaction; 2) you can a wider perspective; 3) you take a pause – of whatever length is best – in engaging in the conflict.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Paula Oleska on the Brain Upgrade and Natural Intelligence Systems

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, Paula Oleska) — Thu, 27 Aug 2020 01:00:11 +0000

Better recognition of our body’s role in emotions will help us to use them as an asset.

Paula talked with me about how she came to learn about the importance of addressing our body – and not just our mind – when dealing with emotions and stress. You can learn more and reach Paula at paula@brainupgrade.biz, phone: 646.554.346, or https://www.naturalintelligencesystems.com/.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Reinhold Niebuhr on acceptance, courage, and wisdom

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 20 Aug 2020 01:00:22 +0000

The Serenity Prayer provides insights on both personal and interpersonal conflict.

Many know the poem credited to the American theologian, Reinhold Niebuhr, and that’s how we hear about the inner conflict in trying to follow its hopes. A different challenge lies in the interpersonal conflicts of different perspectives about what is impossible to change, and the courage to change what can be changed. It may take true wisdom to convince someone else to change their perspective to yours.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

courage to change the things I can,

and wisdom to know the difference.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Same storm, different boats

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 13 Aug 2020 01:00:19 +0000

We’re all in a global pandemic, but we aren’t all in the same situation.

Damian Barr’s poem is full of wisdom:

I heard that we are in the same boat.
But it's not that.
We are in the same storm, but not in the same boat.
Your ship can be shipwrecked and mine might not be.
Or vice versa.
For some, quarantine in optimal: a moment of reflection, or reconnection.
Easy, in flip flops, with a whiskey or tea.
For others, this is a desperate crisis.
For others, it is facing loneliness.
For some, peace, rest time, vacation.
Yet for others, Torture: How am I going to pay muy bills?
Some were concerned about a brand of chocolate for Easter (this year there were no rich chocolates).
Others were concerned about the bread for the weekend, or if the noodles would last for a few more days.
Some were in their "home office".
Others are looking through trash to survive.
Some want to go back to work because they are running out of money.
Others want to kill those who break the quarantine.
Some need to break the quarantine to stand in line at the banks.
Others to escape.
Others criticize the government for the lines.
Some have experienced the near-death of the virus, some have already lost someone from it, and some believe they are infallible and will be blown away if or when this hits someone they know.
Some have faith in God and expect miracles during 2020. Others say the worse is yet to come. So, friends, we are not in the same boat.
We are going through a time when our perceptions and needs are completely different. And each one will emerge, in his own way, from that storm.
It is very important to see beyond what is seen at first glance. Not just looking, more than looking, seeing.
See beyond the political party, beyond biases, beyond the nose on your face. Do not judge the good life of the other, do not condemn the bad life of the other.
Don't be a judge.
Let us not judge the one who lacks, as well as the one who exceeds him. We are on different ships looking to survive.
Let everyone navigate their route with respect, empathy and responsibility.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Dr. Nate Regier on the Process Communication Model ®and his new book, Seeing People Through

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Nate Regier, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 6 Aug 2020 01:00:07 +0000

Seeing People Through describes how business and organization leaders can profit from the Process Communication Model®.

The Process Communication Model® (PCM) is a behavioral communication model that teaches people how to assess, connect, motivate, and resolve conflict by understanding the personality types that make up a person’s whole self, which is the key to leveraging personality diversity. Seeing People Through focuses on helping leaders unleash their potential through PCM. Learn more about the book at https://seeingpeoplethrough.com/. Learn more about Nate and his work at Next Element at https://next-element.com/

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Positive building blocks

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 30 Jul 2020 01:00:17 +0000

When we build on positives, we can deal more effectively with conflict. In the midst of conflict in an ongoing relationship, it’s easy to focus on the points of disagreement. Instead, an effort to focus on the areas of agreement, even a number of small ones, can help us handle the negative part more effectively.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Inner conflict and purposeful pivots

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 23 Jul 2020 01:00:01 +0000

A positive inner conflict can be the catalyst for a purposeful pivot. If you have outgrown your role, achieved a goal, or experienced a significant shift in circumstances or priorities, you may feel an inner conflict that leads you to choose to make a major change.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Bill Treasurer on courage, feedback, and conflict

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Bill Treasurer, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 16 Jul 2020 01:00:12 +0000

Courage in giving and receiving feedback can prevent negative conflict. Bill Treasurer, Chief Encouragement Officer, joins me to talk about courage in giving necessary and valuable feedback and having the courage to accept it without being defensive. Understanding how feedback will work best in a relationship, especially in the workplace, is best done before it goes south – and it is an ongoing process. You can learn more about Bill and his work at https://www.giantleapconsulting.com/ (couragebuilder.com) or https://billtreasurer.com/ You can reach Bill at btreasurer@giantleapconsulting.com.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

What to do about microaggressions

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 9 Jul 2020 01:00:13 +0000

Template for Show Notes:

Title: What to do about microaggressions

Episode Summary: Helping ourselves and others to avoid microaggressions reduces negative conflict.

Episode Notes: Helping ourselves and others to avoid microaggressions reduces negative conflict. Microaggressions, everyday slights that are based on stereotypes, can create unnecessary conflict. Comments, gestures, and other expressions, whether intentional or unintentional, can feel like insults to the person on the receiving end. When we feel that we are about to say something that constitutes a microaggression – an observation or question – we can embrace our awareness and stop ourselves from blurting out what we are thinking. And we can calmly reject intentional microaggressions that others might offer. For the unintentional – even well-meaning – slight, avoid putting someone on the defensive. More effective: try a suggestion that the speaker consider what it would be like to be the receiver.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

What are microaggressions?

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 2 Jul 2020 01:00:23 +0000

Microaggressions, everyday slights that are based on stereotypes, can create unnecessary conflict. Comments, gestures, and other expressions, whether intentional or unintentional, can feel like insults to the person on the receiving end. The first step is to be aware of what we are saying – and, especially, how it might be received.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Denise Logan, The Seller Whisperer

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, Denise Logan) — Thu, 25 Jun 2020 01:00:03 +0000

Selling a business is not just a transaction, but a transition; support in that journey can help. In fact, the involvement of someone who works with the seller to address the emotional impact of a potential sale can help get the deal over the finish line. That person can also help the seller move forward without seller’s remorse.

You can learn more about Denise and buy her book, The Seller’s Journey, at http://deniselogan.com/. As Denise phrases it: “I keep people and deals from falling apart.”

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Pressure cookers and pressure valves

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 18 Jun 2020 01:00:27 +0000

We can work to prevent pressure cookers when possible and to have personal pressure valves ready when we need them.

Pressure cookers can easily create or aggravate negative conflict for ourselves and others. Some pressure cookers are inevitable and beyond our control. Other times, we can prevent them or minimize how severe they are. Either way, we can prepare to deal with pressure cookers by having our individual pressure valves primed and ready to help us let off steam.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Reflecting on silence

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 11 Jun 2020 01:00:02 +0000

Silence can be as powerful as words. We usually think about words we use and how we say them when we consider conflict. Silence, too, matters. It can be damaging, hesitant, or a vehicle for acknowledgement and learning. We should think through what motivates our silence and how it can affect another person.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Jeremy Pollack, of Pollack Peacebuilding Systems, on handling conflict through respect and humility

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jeremy Pollack, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 4 Jun 2020 01:00:05 +0000

Approaching conflict with respect and humility allows people to engage with each other productively, not defensively. We discuss Jeremy’s involvement in martial arts, coaching, and how confidence can eliminate the desire to act with aggression.

I talked with Jeremy in February 2020. We didn’t know what the next few months would bring. This episode, Number 75, is published on June 3 (in the U.S.) Our conversation would be thought-provoking at any time -- and perhaps even more so in the tumultuous circumstances we are now in. You can learn more about Jeremy and his work at https://pollackpeacebuilding.com/

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Location, location, location – family and friends

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 28 May 2020 01:00:04 +0000

Choosing the best location, including a neutral playing field, can help the odds of a challenging conversation being productive.

Considering where –home? a certain spot in the home? – to have a tough conversation can help as part of a recipe for success. If one person is especially unenthusiastic about the discussion and/or especially important (and they easily may be the same person), picking the best spot for that person may be a wise move.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Location, location, location -- workplace

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 21 May 2020 01:00:14 +0000

The location for a challenging conversation can affect how productive that conversation will be. Consider where a tough workplace conversation might best take place: in a private place, off-site, somewhere else? It’s one factor in setting up for success.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Dennis Jaffe, PhD, on enterprising families managing conflict

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 14 May 2020 01:00:10 +0000

Families that successfully pass on family businesses also handle conflict successfully. Dennis explains that enterprising families that succeed over generations accept that conflict will happen and take steps, in advance, to manage it effectively. Policies, codes of conduct, and plans to allow individuals and family branches to leave the family are among the tools families can adopt. His most recent book is Borrowed From Your Grandchildren: The Evolution of 100-Year Family Enterprises. The book is available through Amazon or Dennis’s website: https://dennisjaffe.com/. His website also features resources of interest to enterprising families.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Conflict coaching insight – practice helps

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 7 May 2020 01:00:08 +0000

Practicing what you will say in a difficult conversation can lead to a better outcome. When you know that a difficult conversation is coming, you can prepare for it by practicing – out loud – how you will start your part of it. And if the words don’t roll off your tongue, try some others! Then try out what you might say as the conversation continues.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Conflict coaching insight – learn from experience

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 30 Apr 2020 01:00:03 +0000

CINERGY ® Conflict Management Coaching includes a smart idea: think about what you know about past conflict experiences with another person.

If you can think, in advance of a difficult conversation, how you can avoid the pushing the hot buttons of someone you know, you will set yourself up for a more productive conversation.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Cinnie Noble on CINERGY ® Conflict Management Coaching

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Cinnie Noble, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 23 Apr 2020 01:00:22 +0000

CINERGY ® Coaching builds conflict intelligence and makes conflict an opportunity for strengthening relationships. The CINERGY ® Model combines executive coaching, neuroscience, and conflict management principles. Cinnie described the seven stages of the CINERGY® Model of Conflict Management Coaching: C, Clarify the goal; I, Inquire about the situation; N, Name the elements; E, Explore choices; R, Reconstruct the situation; G, Ground the challenges; Y, Yes, the commitment. As a CINERGY® coach works with a client, confusion about conflict is reduced, and the client gains confidence and competence around conflict. Cinnie is based in Toronto and works globally with individual clients and trainings. To learn more about Cinnie, visit: https://www.cinergycoaching.com/ https://www.linkedin.com/in/cinnienoble/ and on Twitter @CINERGYCoaching and @ConflictMastery.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And follow us on Twitter, @conflictsolving.

Reflecting on a recent conflict

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 16 Apr 2020 01:00:04 +0000

After a conflict has ended, we can benefit from some healthy reflection on it. We can learn from mistakes and also reinforce actions and words that were helpful. In this episode, I reflect on a recent encounter with a customer service rep, by phone. Some things went well – and I have room for improvement!

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

SWOT analysis and conflict

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 9 Apr 2020 01:00:06 +0000

The SWOT analysis used in business can also be used as an approach to look at our perspective on conflict. A SWOT analysis considers Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities, and Threats. When using it to better understand our individual perspective on conflict, it’s important to resist the temptation – especially if you are risk-averse – to see only your weaknesses. You likely have strengths and actively looking for them can boost your confidence in dealing with conflict.

Let’s keep shipping, TPF alumni, #createforKate.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Dr. Gleb Tsipursky, CEO of Disaster Avoidance Experts, LLC

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, Dr. Gleb Tsipursky) — Thu, 2 Apr 2020 01:00:03 +0000

Rational planning and overcoming cognitive biases is always important – even more so when a pandemic is stretching across the globe.

Gleb has been focused on good decision-making, and how to help business leaders and others do it, for many years. He shared some helpful tips in moving past our savanna-based instincts and more effectively facing the challenges we face today, including the current COVID-19 pandemic. His books include Never Go With Your Gut and The Blind Spots Between Us. You can learn more about his work and find free resources at https://disasteravoidanceexperts.com/ and his LinkedIn profile, https://www.linkedin.com/in/dr-gleb-tsipursky/

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

VUCA and conflict, part two

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 26 Mar 2020 01:00:17 +0000

VUCA, or volatile, uncertain, complex, and ambiguous conditions provide fertile ground for conflict.We can’t change these conditions but can accept them and acknowledge the effects they have. Then we can make adjustments to deal with them as effectively as possible to minimize negative conflicts.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

VUCA and conflict, part one

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 19 Mar 2020 01:00:03 +0000

VUCA, or volatile, uncertain, complex, and ambiguous is a concept that is tailor-made for these times.

As COVID-19 spreads across the globe, even one of the four ideas embedded in VUCA would invite conflict. All four is even more challenging. We can start to meet the challenge by acknowledging how turbulent these times are for ourselves and others. Then, let’s try to be a little more patient and calm – not that it’s easy. But it is worth the effort.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Dr. Nate Regier on conflict and compassion

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Dr. Nate Regier, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 12 Mar 2020 01:00:04 +0000

Dr. Nate Regier talks about the true meaning of compassion and its role in conflict. We discussed the core competencies of compassion and their role in leadership in the workplace. You can learn more about Nate’s work at https://next-element.com/ and https://thecompassionmindset.com/

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Meditation, mediation, and arbitration

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 5 Mar 2020 02:00:19 +0000

Meditation, mediation, and arbitration are all valuable processes – but they are not the same.

Fortunately, it’s been a while since I had a conversation with someone who confused meditation and mediation. Mediation and arbitration, however, are confused on a regular basis. They have similarities, but also important differences. The most important distinction is who determines the outcome in each dispute resolution process: in arbitration, it’s the arbitrator and in mediation, it’s the people involved in the conflict themselves.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Can you really mediate that?!

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 27 Feb 2020 02:00:02 +0000

Mediation can be a positive and practical solution to conflict in many more situations than most people realize. Divorce mediation for couples who want to end a marriage is the best-known use of mediation. Mediation can also be an effective option in schools, workplaces, extended families, public policy disputes, and many more areas.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Charlie Pillsbury on Mediators Beyond Borders International

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, Charlie Pillsbury) — Thu, 20 Feb 2020 02:00:05 +0000

Charlie Pillsbury discusses the vision and work of Mediators Beyond Borders and his path to involvement with the organization. We hear first how Charlie came to the conflict and dispute resolution arena and then to MBBI. Charlie is currently MBBI’s Treasurer (in addition to his other work outside MBBI).

The vision of MBBI is “Building a more peace ‘able’ world”. And its mission states that “MBBI builds local skills for peace and promotes mediation worldwide.” You can learn more about MBBI at https://mediatorsbeyondborders.org/. You can reach Charlie Pillsbury at Charles.Pillsbury@quinnipiac.edu or 203-582-8145.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Aligning expectations

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 13 Feb 2020 02:00:03 +0000

Expectations out of alignment – mine with yours – or mine with reality – cause conflict.

Seeing a vast selection of Valentine’s Day candy caused me to think about expectations. When they are not in sync, in a workplace, an extended family, or in a family enterprise, conflict can easily arise. The answer? Candid conversations.

Speaking of Valentine’s Day, check out my friend Heidi Frei’s Valentine’s Day episode of The Single Soul Circle podcast, the voice for the joys and challenges of the single life. You can listen on the major listening apps or here: http://singlesoulcircle.com.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Tales of wise planning and resilience at the IFG conference

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 6 Feb 2020 02:00:07 +0000

The Institute for Family Governance (IFG) conference last month highlighted how extended families can stay together through wise planning and resilience. IFG describes its mission as implementing strong governance that endures, by empowering beneficiaries through inter-generational planning.

The fourth annual IFG conference in New York City brought together advisors, consultants, and the families they serve. Though we attendees heard some familiar cautionary tales of what can go wrong when families fight, we heard encouraging stories too. Families can prosper with resilience in challenging times and wise planning that addresses tough questions and allows for flexibility over time.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Bhaj Townsend on understanding money stories to keep families connected

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Bhaj Townsend, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 30 Jan 2020 02:00:02 +0000

Understanding individual perspectives on money can help families who value their legacy to stay connected for generations. Bhaj speaks from her personal experience and her work with families to find ways to help them forge their own paths forward as they seek to preserve their family and their wealth through generations.

You can learn more about her work at https://www.focusandsustain.com/ or https://www.linkedin.com/in/bhajtownsend/. You can reach Bhaj at bhaj@focusandsustain.com or 425.823.0984.

Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

Enjoy the show on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

React, reply, or respond

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 23 Jan 2020 02:00:01 +0000

When someone raises a concern or makes a suggestion, we can choose to react, reply, or respond. It’s worth the effort to think through whether we want to react quickly and briefly, offer a slightly more thorough reply, or an even more thoughtful and engaging response.

The only constant is change

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 16 Jan 2020 02:00:09 +0000

Change is one thing that we can count on to occur. In interpersonal conflict, changing conditions can provide an opportunity to move past an impasse or stalemate. Priorities, people, outside conditions, and factual information can all change – and the chance to revisit the impasse opens up.

Jürgen Strauss on innovation and cross-cultural communication

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, Jürgen Strauss) — Thu, 9 Jan 2020 02:00:21 +0000

Jürgen Strauss, of Innovabiz and the Innovabuzz podcast, offers experienced-based insights on innovation and cross-cultural communication.

Jürgen’s work in the corporate world included managing teams across different cultures and countries in Asia and Australia. That experience and his ongoing interest innovation enrich his current work, helping small businesses to embrace transformational marketing. You can learn more about his business (based in, but not limited to, Melbourne, Australia) at https://innovabiz.com.au/. You can access his podcast, Innovabuzz, on the major apps or at https://innovabiz.com.au/innovabuzz/.

Looking back at 2019 and looking forward to 2020

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 2 Jan 2020 02:00:22 +0000

The inaugural year of the podcast was great; more insightful guests and helpful tips are on tap for 2020! Join the global audience and enjoy.

The Golden Rule across world religions

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 26 Dec 2019 02:00:14 +0000

The concept of Christianity’s Golden Rule can be found in major religions around the world. Treating others as we wish to be treated is a universal principle in world religions and considered by some to be an ethical bedrock. In the context of interpersonal conflict, it’s important to remember that the idea is about how we behave in relationship to one another. It’s not that everyone agrees with us or that we convince everyone to see things our way.

Shirtsleeves to shirtsleeves in three generations

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 19 Dec 2019 02:00:07 +0000

A proverb about family wealth proclaims that it won’t last over the generations. The U.S. version is “shirtsleeves to shirtsleeves in three generations”. Other countries use other language, but the idea is universal and of long-standing: a family can build wealth but will not be able preserve it over generations. This possibility – some claim it’s a near guarantee – causes stress and conflict over measures to try to prevent it, as well as stress and conflict if it does occur. Additionally, thought leaders in the field are now expressing their own conflicting view of the way the concept has been often used. I agree with them that building on the positives that a family has and can create is preferable to using this well-known adage to try to frighten families into action.

Arielle Nóbile of Legacy Connections Films on preserving family stories

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Arielle Nóbile, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 12 Dec 2019 02:00:27 +0000

Arielle Nóbile of Legacy Connections Films talks about how families can become closer by preserving family stories. We discussed how family films can bring families together, through the process of making them, viewing them, and having them preserved for the future. In some instances, families can heal a rift and move past a conflict that has plagued an earlier generation.

You can learn more about Arielle’s work with families at http://legacyconnectionsfilms.com/. To learn more about her work in the public documentary arena visit: https://www.belongingintheusa.com/. As you might expect, but websites include videos that give viewers a taste of Arielle’s work.

Let it Go

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 5 Dec 2019 02:00:12 +0000

At times, we can handle conflict better when we let some things go. The release of the movie Frozen 2 has brought to life the song from the original Frozen, “Let it Go”. In situations of potential, active, or even past conflict, we can sometimes serve ourselves and the relationship we care about if we just Let it Go.

Giving thanks and good intentions

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 28 Nov 2019 02:00:01 +0000

We benefit when we give thanks for the good intentions behind others' conduct, even if we don't always appreciate the conduct itself.

When we don’t like the conduct, we may assign a negative motivation to it, when in fact good intentions are the source. We may be able to avoid damaging conflict if we can try to focus on the positive intention.

Phyllis Weiss Haserot on the challenges of the multi-generational workplace

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Phyllis Weiss Haserot, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 21 Nov 2019 02:00:18 +0000

Phyllis Weiss Haserot champions the power of cross-generational conversation and collaboration. Phyllis focuses on addressing knowledge transfer, succession planning, and attracting and retaining clients and employees of different generations. In our conversation, she provides some tips and ideas, and explains the terms “GENgagment ™” and “collaborageism”. You can learn more about Phyllis and access free offers at https://www.youcantgoogleit.com and http://www.pdcounsel.com. She welcomes feedback at pwhaserot@pdcounsel.com on the challenge she laid out at end of our conversation.

Different, not necessarily inferior

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 14 Nov 2019 02:00:07 +0000

We can easily think that our preferred way is superior. That’s not necessarily so and we can avoid negative conflict when we keep that in mind. Our own preferred way, the familiar way, the easy way, the default isn’t always better. Keeping that in mind can help us see conflict as good, not necessarily bad.

Welcoming committee, not selection committee

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 7 Nov 2019 02:00:08 +0000

When our role is to welcome a person, and not to select, we would do well to remember that. It can be hard to keep our opinions to ourselves about the choices, especially personal ones, that someone else makes. Yet we can avoid unnecessary, and often futile, negative conflict when we do.

Susan Schoenfeld, with a hard look at the soft (human) issues

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, Susan Schoenfeld) — Thu, 31 Oct 2019 01:00:14 +0000

The so-called soft issues are the human ones –those that can keep caring family members awake at night. When advisors to wealthy families focus only on the “hard” issues – investment returns, tax strategies, and other purely financial concerns – they may fall short on client service. Susan discusses a more comprehensive approach to addressing issues that truly matter to these families. Susan mentions a “single family office”. According to Investopedia: “Family offices are private wealth management advisory firms that serve ultra-high-net-worth (UHNW) investors. They are different from traditional wealth management shops in that they offer a total outsourced solution to managing the financial and investment side of an affluent individual or family.” Susan also refers to a “liquidity event”; here it means the sale of a business, in which the value represented by the business assets now becomes “liquid” and can be invested in other types of assets.

You can reach Susan through her consulting practice website, https://wlallc.com/, or her public speaking website, https://www.susanschoenfeld.com/.

One year into the podcasting adventure

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 24 Oct 2019 01:00:02 +0000

In October 2018, I started to learn how to produce and host a podcast, and the Crafting Solutions to Conflict launchpad was built. My original idea evolved to one that would allow me to share some of the useful tips I have learned over the years, the insights of interesting guests, and a few observations on topics about conflict.

Celebrating Conflict Resolution Day!

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 17 Oct 2019 01:00:15 +0000

Every year, The Association for Conflict Resolution (ACR) celebrates Conflict Resolution Day. This year it’s on October 17th. ACR is an international, professional organization enhancing the practice and public understanding of conflict resolution. Members include mediators, arbitrators, educators and other conflict resolution practitioners. ACR’s Vision: All people know their choices for conflict resolution. ACR’s Mission: ACR gives voice to the choices for quality conflict resolution.

Jamie Forbes on empathy and trust

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 10 Oct 2019 01:00:24 +0000

Through his two businesses, Jamie Forbes brings empathy and trust to the forefront of his work, encouraging communication and healing. We spoke mostly about his work with Forbes Legacy Advisors, Jamie helps families align values and priorities with how they use their money. https://forbeslegacyadvisors.com/

Through Hadley Rock Advisors, Jamie helps schools and survivors navigate the challenges that come with sexual misconduct investigations. https://hadleyrock.com/

You can reach Jamie at jforbes@forbeslegacyadvisors.com or jforbes@hadleyrock.com

Who makes the first move?

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 3 Oct 2019 01:00:03 +0000

We tend to hesitate to address conflict, but there are important advantages to taking the plunge. If we care about the relationship, we don’t want negative conflict to start, to escalate, or to continue. We really can’t do much to get the other person to make the first move, but we can control our own behavior. And, who knows, maybe you will find you are fascinated by conflict, as I am. If so, we should connect – there aren’t many of us!

Committing to address a conflict

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 26 Sep 2019 01:00:01 +0000

Making a commitment to address a conflict together is an important, and often overlooked, step in a conflict resolution process. A commitment to work together reduces the stress of the conflict, establishes some common ground and a first agreement, provides some momentum when the going gets tough, and demonstrates that you value the relationship.

Scott Perry and the Creative on Purpose community

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 19 Sep 2019 01:00:01 +0000

Scott Perry is the person behind the Creative on Purpose community, newsletter, blog, broadcast, and coaching program. Scott captures the flavor of his work succinctly. The Creative on Purpose Vision & Mission: Vision - Creative on Purpose makes things better by helping aspiring and advancing difference-makers enhance their lives through endeavors that elevate the lives of others. Mission - Creative on Purpose encourages and enables those ready to lean in and contribute to making things better through work that matters.

You can learn more and reach Scott through the Creative on Purpose website: https://www.becreativeonpurpose.com

Aretha’s estate planning: part two, the better options

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 12 Sep 2019 01:00:21 +0000

A few simple ideas can help minimize the risk of conflict over an estate: get professional help, avoid misleading your loved ones, and use common sense. Last time, I talked about some of the late Aretha Franklin’s estate planning blunders. All of us can benefit from working with a competent lawyer. If we feel we can’t bring ourselves to inform loved ones about our estate plan, we can at least avoid misleading them. And – as in all things – we can use common sense and follow the applicable rules.

Aretha’s estate planning: part one, the blunders

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 5 Sep 2019 01:00:24 +0000

Even the best estate planning doesn’t guarantee prevention of all conflict over an estate. But some actions and inactions can significantly increase the risk that conflict will break out. Aretha Franklin was an outstanding musician and a lousy estate planner. She nearly guaranteed that her family would fight over her estate by refusing to work with attorneys to create a plan, allowing her loved ones to believe that she had left no will, and creating three wills of questionable validity that were discovered after her death. Next time, a few thoughts on better options, for celebrities and those who are less famous.

Carolyn Kaas, Esq., on Quinnipiac Law’s innovative Dispute Resolution Center

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, Carolyn Kaas) — Thu, 29 Aug 2019 01:00:01 +0000

Carolyn Wilkes Kaas, Esq., Co-director, Quinnipiac University School of Law Center on Dispute Resolution, discusses the Center’s comprehensive and creative perspective on dispute resolution. Carrie is also Associate Professor of Law and recently became Associate Dean of Experiential Education, a reflection of the Law School’s commitment to that teaching philosophy. The Center’s innovative approach to law is clear from its mission and vision statements. Mission: “To partner with diverse communities in developing creative and compassionate approaches to resolving conflict”. Vision: “Re-imagining law as a healing profession”. Learn more about the Center’s role in the School of Law, trainings open to the public, and the QU-Yale Dispute Resolution Speaker Series here: https://www.qulawdisputeresolution.org/.

Expanding Pies (with a nod to Fisher and Ury)

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 22 Aug 2019 01:00:03 +0000

As William Ury has phrased it: “Try to expand the pie before you divvy it up.” When a potentially damaging conflict is about dividing resources, think creatively about how big the pie can be. Getting to Yes, a bedrock book in the world of conflict resolution, was published by Roger Fisher and William Ury in 1981. It is filled with ideas and suggestions related to finding effective ways to reach agreements. One concept set out there is the idea that the “pie” we first envision might become bigger, to everyone’s benefit.

Hitting the pause button

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 15 Aug 2019 01:00:04 +0000

Although we value speed in many contexts, hitting the pause button can serve us well in managing conflict. We can benefit from taking a breather in an ongoing attempt to address a conflict, from thinking deliberately about when to raise a difficult issue, and when stopping for a moment before spewing a snarky comment or reacting instinctively to a statement that pushes our own hot button. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

Steve Legler, family legacy advisor

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, Steve Legler) — Thu, 8 Aug 2019 01:00:11 +0000

Steve Legler, family legacy advisor, shares his insights as a facilitator, mediator, and coach. Steve is based in Montreal. He has a personal perspective on family enterprise transitions and a commitment to education to help him serve families effectively. You can learn more about Steve, his books, and his blog at his website: https://shiftyourfamilybusiness.com/about/ Steve is on LinkedIn here: https://www.linkedin.com/in/steve-legler-259065a/.

Collaboration, Creativity, Compassion at PPI Rendezvous

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 1 Aug 2019 01:00:01 +0000

: Embracing collaboration, creativity, and compassion allows us to handle conflict more effectively. The Purposeful Planning Institute (PPI) held its annual Rendezvous in Denver, Colorado last week. In a keynote address, founder John A. Warnick spoke of the value of Collaboration, Creativity, and Compassion as cornerstones of the work that PPI members do. Those three ideas can also be effective tools, taken together, for addressing conflict effectively. You can learn more about PPI at www.purposefulplanninginstitute.com.
Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

Celebrating Number 30 and why

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 25 Jul 2019 01:00:05 +0000

Publishing my 30th episode is a marker and a cause for celebration. I started to learn to host and produce a podcast in fall, 2018. The Podcasting Fellowship was a great experience. I published a trailer in December, 2018 and then began publishing weekly in January, 2019. It’s a blast. Podcaster Joanna Penn has been at it for 10 years. I heard her anniversary episode in March, in which she spoke of the 30th published episode as an indicator that a podcaster is committed. The idea stuck with me. And here we are: episode 30!

Andrew Karlen, Esq., counselor to business owners

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, Andrew Karlen) — Thu, 18 Jul 2019 01:00:19 +0000

Andrew Karlen, Esq., provides counsel to serve the legal and human needs of his client business owners. Business owners should be clear about their ultimate business goals as early as possible, and put those goals in writing. They should plan for a business exit that allows them to achieve their financial, family, and community goals – recognizing that the implementation of the plans they make with a collaborative team of advisors will likely take much more time than the planning itself will. Andy recommended the book Finish Big, by Bo Burlingham. You can reach Andy at andrew@akarlenlaw.com or his cell, 914.629.7678.
Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

When bad conflict happens to good people

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 11 Jul 2019 01:00:16 +0000

Bad conflict (the damaging, anything-but-creative kind) happens. Knee-jerk reactions don’t help. When enmeshed in a bad conflict, it can be tempting to hunt for someone to blame. That’s not always useful. Think about what may have caused the problem (objective causes? subjective causes?) and then carefully consider your next steps.

The dangers of declarations

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 4 Jul 2019 01:00:06 +0000

Declarations in interpersonal relationships, such as ultimatums, can do unexpected lasting damage. Ultimatums, threats, and lines in the sand are hard to walk back, can cause a loss of face, and can lead to stalemate. It’s smart to think through the risks and rewards or the costs and benefits of declarations – before issuing them.
Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

Dr. Vanessa Avery on religious diversity, conflict, and the Sharing Sacred Spaces Initiative

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (vanessa avery, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 27 Jun 2019 01:00:13 +0000

Dr. Vanessa Avery shares insights on religious diversity training, conflict in religion, and her role as Consulting Director to the Sharing Sacred Spaces Initiative (SSSI). Vanessa shares her academic and professional path, including her interest in René Girard, the late French historian, literary critic, philosopher of social science, and author of Violence and the Sacred. Her work with SSSI has a tangible effect on those who participate in the program. Vanessa’s other work, including religious diversity training and consulting, is both practical and inspiring. You can reach Vanessa Avery by phone at 203.500.0166 or by email at Vjavery222@gmail.com. Her website is https://vanessaavery.wordpress.com/ You can learn more about Sharing Sacred Spaces here: https://sacredspace.world/sss-initiative.
Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

The Advantages of Authenticity

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 20 Jun 2019 01:00:02 +0000

Approaching conflict with authenticity may seem difficult. Even if it is, it’s usually worth it. Perhaps the biggest advantage of authenticity is avoiding its opposite. And that’s because fake frequently fails. People usually know when the other person is not being genuine and resent it, even more than the genuine disagreement. Being authentic allows everyone involved to engage and move forward.

“Yes, and” instead of “Yes, but”

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 13 Jun 2019 01:00:08 +0000

The phrase “yes, and” sends a different message from “yes, but”. “Yes, and” can lead to further discussion instead of rejection. The “yes, and” phrase comes from theater improvisation, where a statement is affirmed (yes) and then built upon (and). The same concept can apply in discussions about ideas and suggestions: instead of rejecting them with a list of their shortcomings (“yes, but”), acknowledge the ideas and work together on them. It’s the best kind of conflict: ideas that clash -- and also invite collaboration and creativity.

Rogério Faé Rodrigues, Brazilian family business consultant: helping families find their own path

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Rogerio Fae Rodrigues, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 6 Jun 2019 01:00:02 +0000

Rogério Faé Rodrigues, currently a visiting scholar in the U.S., talks about helping enterprising families, in the U.S. and in his native Brazil. Rogério describes his work, as one of the founders of Une Consultoria, as a being a facilitator as much as a consultant: helping families to decide and implement what is best for that family. He noted that “there is no way of doing succession by imposition” (a valuable insight on avoiding damaging conflict). He also named dialogue as “the most valuable tool for my work” (always good for both preventing conflict and resolving conflict.) Rogério recommended “The Power of Openness and Trust: How to Increase the Impact of Your Management Team” by Lars Clemedson. You can reach Rogério at rogerio@uneconsultoria.com.br. His company website (which translates to English very well) is https://unesucessao.com.br/.

Managing conflicting memories

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 30 May 2019 01:00:01 +0000

Managing conflicting memories of a past event can be essential to preventing and undoing damage in interpersonal conflicts. At times, it’s possible to have a civil conversation about those conflicting memories. In other cases, it’s best to agree to disagree and move on. Managing the potential damage to the valued relationship is the key. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

The problem with cookie cutters

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 23 May 2019 01:00:08 +0000

Cookie cutters are great for making cookies: quick, easy, and uniform. Not so great for interpersonal conflicts. Cookie dough responds well to cookie cutters when all the conditions are consistent – that’s the idea! Humans aren’t consistent; we’re human. So, human interactions don’t respond well to a cookie cutter approach to conflict resolution. A solution crafted to address a particular conflict and, perhaps even better, a careful look at conflict management will serve humans more effectively.

Louise Duncan: an introduction to the TetraMap learning framework

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Louise Duncan, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 16 May 2019 02:01:24 +0000

Louise Duncan, Managing Director of TetraMap International, in Auckland, NZ, described the framework’s key concept that “Strength lies in valuing differences”. Facilitators use a process that allows individuals to discover their own elemental preferences in the world of nature: earth, air, water, and fire. Louise recommended: “The Fearless Organization: Creating Psychological Safety in the Workplace for Learning, Innovation, and Growth” by Amy C. Edmonson. Learn more and contact Louise through https://www.tetramap.com/ or https://www.linkedin.com/in/louiseduncan/. Louise hosts the podcast In Your Element, available for free wherever you listen to podcasts and on the TetraMap website.

More positive lessons from Notre Dame: practice the plan

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 9 May 2019 01:00:04 +0000

The tragic fire at Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris demonstrated the value of having a plan and testing it as a way to reduce conflict and mitigate damage. The Fire Department devoted more than one hundred firefighters to rescuing artifacts in the cathedral. The plan identified key people and priorities. And it had been practice, on site, twice last year. These steps were essential in minimizing the impact of the fire.

Positive lessons from Notre Dame: some beats none

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 2 May 2019 01:00:19 +0000

The tragic fire at Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris highlighted some positive lessons to reduce conflict and mitigate damage. Control what you can. Adopt the good, though not perfect, solution. Start the process of improving a proposed plan, with a goal and a timeframe.

Danny van Leeuwen, aka Health Hats, patient-caregiver activist, talks about governance

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, Danny van Leeuwen) — Thu, 25 Apr 2019 01:00:03 +0000

From life in an intentional community with his young family to his current passion as a patient-caregiver activist, Danny van Leeuwen, aka Health Hats, has had an appreciation for governance.
Good governance can greatly reduce the likelihood of damaging conflict, and allow solutions to conflict to be crafted when needed. Danny has understood the importance of rules for a community to follow and the need to have a fair process to create -- and, when appropriate, to change -- those rules from the time he was living in an intentional community with his young family. Danny and his wife acted as champions of the process, keeping the group focused on continuing and completing the enactment of by-laws. His adult sons now live some of the lessons they learned as children, holding regular family meetings with their own families. In his life and work in the health care arena today, Danny has an appreciation for the power of governance, or decision-making, especially with regard to who has a seat at the decision-making table. You can reach Danny through his website: https://www.health-hats.com/. It has a wealth of resources.

Creating a catalyst to address conflict

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 18 Apr 2019 01:00:18 +0000

Finding a way to broach the subject of an ongoing simmering conflict can be difficult; creating a catalyst can help. If there is a time-limited opportunity to address the conflict, or a deadline imposed from the outside, it might be fairly easy. Otherwise, how do we get past an implicit or explicit “why now”? It may work to use a specific date like Reconciliation Day (see the April 2 bonus episode), to mention an article, video or podcast on conflict, or to refer to others who have faced the same situation.

Denial is a lousy conflict strategy

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 11 Apr 2019 01:00:02 +0000

Denial can be an easy approach to conflict, but not a very good one. Pretending that there is no conflict or that an admitted conflict has no negative impact is rarely effective. Recognizing that a conflict exists and that it is doing real damage is important. You can then determine what the conflict is costing you – the first step in deciding if you want to address the conflict and attempt to resolve it.

More useful insights on communication from Bruce Hammer, psychologist and leadership developer

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 4 Apr 2019 01:00:05 +0000

Bruce Hammer, based on years of experience as a psychologist, therapist, leadership and organizational consultant, offers more insights on effective interpersonal communication. Today’s episode is part two of my conversation with Bruce. Don’t miss part one, which is the regularly scheduled episode just before this one. (There’s a bonus episode in between because that covers a time-sensitive topic.)
Bruce and I had been talking about how we tend to speak in groups, when we have the floor (or the talking stick). We pick up the conversation there and move on to the importance of recognizing that different perspectives are inevitable and will affect how we view – at least initially – our conversations with others. Bruce also noted the value of setting “rules of engagement”: expectations of how communication and conflict will be addressed. The setting of expectations, especially in family businesses where different spheres of life intersect, can reduce the likelihood that conflict becomes destructive instead of creative.

Bonus Episode: Reconciliation Day, April 2

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Mon, 1 Apr 2019 14:00:18 +0000

Advice columnist Ann Landers declared April 2 as Reconciliation Day for family and friends. Thirty years ago, a reader wrote in to the syndicated columnist and suggested that a day be set aside for family and friends to extend – and to accept – the olive branch of reconciliation on a day named Reconciliation Day. Three years later, Ann Landers declared it an annual tradition.
In some countries, Reconciliation Day is a national holiday relating to the nation’s history. In this case, it’s a more interpersonal context of conflict. These reconciliations can and do happen! And sometimes it helps to have some nudge outside the conflict to get things started. Reconciliation Day, April 2, can be just that nudge.

Bruce Hammer, psychologist and leadership developer: The importance of understanding how what we are saying is being received

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Bruce Hammer, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 28 Mar 2019 01:00:05 +0000

Bruce Hammer, based on years of experience as a psychologist, therapist, leadership and organizational consultant, explores communication mindset and a number of factors that can help us communicate more effectively. This episode is part one of my conversation with Bruce. There was so much good – as in practical and positive – information that I decided to deliver it in easy-to-digest bites. In part one, Bruce talks about some specific ideas about communication, including the importance of ensuring that the message you intend to send is the one received, as well as ideas about how to do that, including considering, thoughtfully, the particular person we want to understand our message. We also talked about the concept of the talking stick, literally, figuratively, and in video communications, and how useful it can be to the speaker, the listeners, and the group as a whole. All of these ideas are useful in preventing damaging conflict. You can reach Bruce at http://www.hammerassociatesllc.com / or 516.776.0236.

Good Friday agreement – Ireland, 1998

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 21 Mar 2019 01:00:04 +0000

The Good Friday agreement, signed on Good Friday in 1998, brought an end to The Troubles – violence that had plagued Ireland for thirty years. A very powerful and positive illustration of conflict resolution! Former US Senator George Mitchell played an essential role in bringing the parties together to reach agreement. His comments about conflict are inspirational: "I believe there's no such thing as a conflict that can’t be ended. They’re created and sustained by human beings. They can be ended by human beings. No matter how ancient the conflict, no matter how hateful, no matter how hurtful, peace can prevail.”

An ounce of prevention

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 14 Mar 2019 01:00:00 +0000

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Benjamin Franklin is credited with coining this phrase, in the context of comparing fire prevention costs to the costs of dealing with the consequences of fire. Destructive conflict can be seen the same way: prevention can be less costly – in a number of ways – than dealing with the consequences. Some practical approaches to prevention can be worth the effort.

Tara Fappiano: experienced litigator gains new mediation perspective

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, Tara Fappiano) — Thu, 7 Mar 2019 02:00:00 +0000

Tara is an experienced litigator, based in White Plains, NY. When we spoke, Tara had recently completed mediation training with Brad Heckman and Christine Daly at the New York Peace Institute. https://nypeace.org/ The Institute is a respected provider of mediation training and conflict resolution services, based in NYC. Although Tara has frequently represented clients in mediations where she serves as their advocate, this training provided a new perspective for her -- and a new view on conflict. Tara compares this type of mediation to the type she has known as a defense attorney, and the difference between serving as an advocate and serving as a neutral third-party. We also discussed her interest in special education and advocating for persons with disabilities. You can reach Tara through LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/tarafappiano/

More perspectives on pachyderms (a different type of elephant)

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 28 Feb 2019 02:00:00 +0000

A pachyderm, specifically a mystery animal that turns out to be an elephant, presents an opportunity to consider different perspectives. An old parable from India describes the efforts of multiple people to make heads or tails (pun intended) out of a mystery animal. It’s an elephant, though the different, individual, perspectives don’t help nearly as much as the information gained when all of those perspectives are taken into account. The same can be said of conflict.

Perspectives on pachyderms (especially elephants)

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 21 Feb 2019 02:00:00 +0000

Pachyderms, specifically elephants in the room, present an opportunity to think about moving past denial and avoidance of conflict. Many of us know about the idea of the elephant in the room: the large issue that no one wants to talk about, or even acknowledge. I’ve seen this elephant more than a few times in my work as a mediator and I have some ideas to share about how to start to understand it and, even better, how to start to deal with it.

Jeff Savlov: Family Business, Siblings, Healing

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall, Jeff Savlov) — Thu, 14 Feb 2019 02:00:00 +0000

Jeff Savlov provides insights and inspiration from his work with two brothers selling a business. Jeff’s experience in family business and wealth consulting allowed him to both skillfully assist these siblings and to recognize that they exhibited a powerful collection of positive traits that helped the process. Disclaimer: though wonderful, it is highly unusual to see, in one situation, all the traits Jeff identifies here. Typically, one or two of these traits might be present, but not all! Families and their advisors shouldn’t be discouraged when they face conflict and challenges that are not so easily solved. Instead, listen for the love, trust, self-awareness, accountability, remorse, and commitment to action to achieve financial fairness. Listen, too, for ideas about how to nurture these traits in a family. You can reach Jeff at jsavlov@blumandsavlov.com / www.blumandsavlov.com.
Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

Conflict: the good, the bad, and …

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 7 Feb 2019 02:00:00 +0000

We often assume that conflict is always bad – and what we see around us backs that up. Let’s look at some other perspectives. Conflict can be constructive; at its best it leads to innovation and progress. Because it has so much good potential, it’s worth the effort to do conflict right: with respectful communication and interactions.

Dispute, conflict, or both.

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 31 Jan 2019 01:50:00 +0000

Dispute, conflict, or both. Understanding the difference can help you to better address a challenging situation.

A dispute and a conflict can mean different things. Court cases are usually thought of as disputes, and there are many ways they are resolved other than through a trial and judgment. You can learn more about (alternative) dispute resolution options here:
https://www.americanbar.org/groups/dispute_resolution/resources/DisputeResolutionProcesses/
A challenge in an ongoing, valued relationship is more aptly called a conflict. Sometimes a dispute will bring to the surface a barely simmering or nearly boiling conflict – that now needs to be addressed.

Marc Halpert, passionate multipreneur

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Marc Halpert, Jane Beddall) — Thu, 24 Jan 2019 01:27:00 +0000

Marc Halpert, passionate mulitpreneur, shares some thoughts on effectively preventing and managing conflicts for his clients. Marc has a passion for customer service. Preventing conflicts through careful planning, resolving them through immediate action, and learning from what does and doesn't work all help. Additionally, Marc recognizes that clients approach challenge in different ways and modifies his approach to help them as effectively as possible to improve and succeed.

Fascination. And more.

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 17 Jan 2019 02:00:00 +0000

I have been fascinated by conflict for more than 30 years. That fascination might be enough for a podcast. But there’s more. I feel some frustration about suggestions that conflict always spirals down to hopeless despair in no time. And I have a wealth of experience, education, teaching, speaking, writing, and consulting around conflict. To top it off, I’m still learning and plan to always keep learning. The upshot: this podcast is something you want to hear!

What's in a [podcast] name?

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Thu, 10 Jan 2019 00:38:00 +0000

What’s in a name – specifically, the name of this podcast?
Why “Crafting”? Why “Solutions” And what about that “Conflict” concept? Each one of these words will help to explain what this podcast is all about.

Introducing Crafting Solutions to Conflict

jb@dovetailresolutions.com (Jane Beddall) — Tue, 11 Dec 2018 18:52:00 +0000

A new podcast about practical and positive perspectives on conflict, hosted by Jane Beddall. Join Jane for a fresh look at conflict, one without the doom and gloom.