Big Cigarette

The Bimbofication of Megan Fox

bigcigpod@gmail.com (Leah Langford, April Porteneuve) — Fri, 29 Jul 2022 03:53:11 +0000

Hey. We're coming at you this week from way atop our high horse. We may or may not have predicted/manifested some stories in the news lately. Ezra is escalating. Elon continues to spawn and Nick Cannon noticed. Megan Fox is glamorizing the infantilization of men and must be stopped. (april's okay with woody allen if it's just soon-yi) Machine Gun Kelly is a part of this whole thing somewhere and WE HAVE GOOD THINGS TO SAY OKAY?? PUT THE GUN DOWN COLSON WE LIKE THE ALBUM!! hard.

Ezra Miller Bought Us a Horse

bigcigpod@gmail.com (April Porteneuve, Leah Langford) — Sat, 9 Jul 2022 04:15:05 +0000

Greetings, enemies. We've been busy fighting dark NRG, tf you up to? There will come a time when you realize you no longer have power over us - a time when you will know us only by the trail of chaos in our wake. Endowed with the energy of The Flash (the ring is very important), we dart from topic to topic: Elon Musk keeps making children because his old ones hate him; Lizzo invented a new slur; Ezra Miller is giving #cultleader and if someone dies - we called it. Remember Rob Schneider?

yeah okay we talk about the fucking interview I'M SORRY it's audacious what are we supposed to do

Child'n Out

bigcigpod@gmail.com (April Porteneuve, Leah Langford) — Mon, 13 Jun 2022 01:03:57 +0000

Well Cigs, the Hearpp trial is over. Non-horny ladies around the globe are grieving the end of women's rights (to defame). After an immersive two months, we're just grateful to change our shit-stained sheets and imbibe some lighter fare. Per usual, we need to talk about Kevin and his alleged LSD/non-binary grooming of Standing Rock Reservation child activist, Tokata Iron Eyes. Then we need to talk about Nick Cannon and his godly poly journey to populate the Earth with Z-named children. Why does he wear a turban? Great question. We round out the episode with a celebration of Bertney's nuptials and First Husband™ Jason Alexander's attempt to crash the wedding 6 hours before it actually started. Peace, Love, and Light to Elaine Bredehoft.

The Case Against Amber Turd: Part 3

bigcigpod@gmail.com (April Porteneuve, Leah Langford) — Wed, 1 Jun 2022 07:22:38 +0000

Greetings to all our right wing extremists, "Men's Rights Activists", and ladies that discovered clit to Edward Scissorhands. Unfortunately for everyone, here's another bloated episode dedicated to AH's performance of a lifetime. Keen eyes saw no tears, officers saw no injuries, and Elaine can't see her mic. Now listen, I know it seems like we have some sort of implicit bias against Ms. Heard, but we implore you - ignore everything you've heard over the course of six weeks because we have literally no incentive to lie and we humbly ask you give us just $350,000 in punitive damages so I can retire after this nightmare.

Credit to:

https://www.youtube.com/c/LegalBytesMedia

https://www.youtube.com/c/TheEmilyDBaker

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCqHZdrDcZhhRO11m67Tgz4A

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCg0C-N_MPYYOXyF4T3jMxNQ

Soundtrack:

Dad's Mayo "Wannabe Down With the Sickness"

Hole "Miss World"

Blac Youngsta "Saving Money"

Three Dog Night "Liar"

Bonnie Raitt "Since I Met You"

The Case Against Amber Turd: Part 2

bigcigpod@gmail.com (Leah Langford, April Porteneuve) — Mon, 16 May 2022 19:29:36 +0000

Hello #truthers, VapeGods™, and dookie detectives - Welcome to Part 2 of our series detailing the Hearpp pandemic. In this episode, we're covering highlights from the first half of the trial. We're talking Milani, Starbucks, the lazy LAPD, metadata - and that's just the opening statements. We'll be reviewing key witness testimony, the court of law vs the court of public opinion, and the media's disparate analysis of the viral #teamJohnny "movement" online. Who saw Johnny's penis? Who bought the muffins? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE FINGIE? *pulls up in a Mustang convertible* "Get in loser, we're going to Coachella." xx

Thank you to LegalBytes and Emily D. Baker on Youtube - follow their channels for daily trial coverage with legal expertise.

https://www.youtube.com/c/LegalBytesMedia

https://www.youtube.com/c/TheEmilyDBaker

The Case Against Amber Turd: Part 1

bigcigpod@gmail.com (April Porteneuve, Leah Langford) — Thu, 21 Apr 2022 03:24:58 +0000

Hellllllooo poppet. Could you be a doll and pass the Adderall? We're gonna need it to get through this *literal* shit show. Man, we were really overdue for another lawsuit between Johnny Depp and Amber Heard, and Johnny - the Southern gentleman, he is - much obliged. In preparation for the next few weeks of Defamation 2: Virginia Edition, allow us to present a thoroughly researched, feverishly assembled, YouTube-radicalized examination of how often that BITCH BE LYYYYYYING DUDE. Find out what Vanity Fair DOESN'T want you to know (flouride). toodoloo luv

https://www.vanityfair.com/style/2022/04/johnny-depp-amber-heard-us-virginia-defamation-trial

Bad Marriage 4 Lyfe

bigcigpod@gmail.com (April Porteneuve, Leah Langford) — Tue, 5 Apr 2022 05:19:09 +0000

Ladies, Gentlemen, Ukrainian Refugees™ - Welcome to Big Cigarette. We will be your vessels of love this evening. Leah has returned from Australia and literally didn't see a single fucking continental creature besides something called a "bin chicken." In her absence, our tarot reading unleashed a series of chaotic events - Hilaria convinced Alec to deposit more cash into her vending machine of joy. Ezra Miller disrespected Lady Gaga and the couple he was unicorning in Hawaii. The slaaaaap. We missed you so much. xoxo kings

Skeetphoria

bigcigpod@gmail.com (Leah Langford, April Porteneuve) — Thu, 17 Mar 2022 05:52:15 +0000

Hey. Leah abandoned us to go get an eyebrow piercing in Australia so I've been softly weeping and hiding behind a shower curtain and spending hours a day doing Gua Sha and YOU GUYS HAVE NO IDEA WHAT ITS LIKE AND I KNOW YOU'RE JUDGING ME WHEN I DID NOTHING WRONG AND IM THE HAPPIEST AND MOST LYMPHATICALLY DRAINED THAN I HAVE EVER BEEN IN MY LIFE. Anywaaaay..... since Leah's gonna be Down Under (ew) for however long it takes an eyebrow piercing to heal, what do you say we have an extra-long (ew!) episode to keep us company until Mommy gets home (i'm the villian). If you came to the episode summary looking for clarity about what we're talking about this week then I regret to inform you that's not what we do here. xoxo with love and light *April* <3

https://www.instagram.com/bigcigarette_pod/

Victoria's Secret (chromosome)

bigcigpod@gmail.com (April Porteneuve, Leah Langford) — Sat, 26 Feb 2022 03:38:12 +0000

Well cigs, we're grieving. Art is dead. Love is dead. But our vision is Krystal Klear. We bid farewell to some of our favorite couples this week so please be compassionate while we heal. As the Lord shuts the door on Ye-lia, he opens a window... it's a conference room... a group of marketing executives are huddled *silently* at the head of a white lucite table. Their faces bear varying degrees of desperation and concern, discomfort and wild-eyed resolve, as they regard a neat selection of photographs on the table. The karmic force of L Brands still lingers in the air, invulnerable to the rebranding, restaffing, refurnishing, realignment, Reiki, Rapinoe, REBIRTH of Victoria's Secret, Inc.... at last, one of them is compelled to break reticence:

"Look, I understand this is a sensitive decision. There's a lot of complicated feelings, it's a minefield out there! So I understand the desire to just play it safe, I really do. But I want you folks to take yourselves out of the equation for a moment and I want you to think about the promise we made when we freed ourselves from corporate toxicity, reconnected with our core mission, and became an empowered independent company again. Victoria's Secret is about making women, and erm, female presenting persons feel beautiful! I don't know about you, but I see a beautiful woman in those pictures. I see a woman that deserves to have her dream come true. I don't want to play it safe! Where's the heart? Where's the commitment to What Women Want™? We can't let our own fears get in the way of making that girl's dream come true. What do you say, team?

Let's fucking make history."

Also we talk about Botox and TV and hype India. xoxo

https://www.instagram.com/bigcigarette_pod/

The Whoopi Goldberg Experience

bigcigpod@gmail.com (April Porteneuve, Leah Langford) — Mon, 14 Feb 2022 18:03:14 +0000

What's up freak bitches, welcome to The Big Cigarette Experience. We took a shit ton of testosterone replacement hormones and high potency edibles and we're ready to spit some hot takes. We start the ep with some fun stuff - Ye told everyone in New York that Pete has AIDS, Pim Kardavidson went on a date with Bezos, RiRi made a bb and we already love it, and, obviously, Nick Cannon. Then we obey God's will and step into the spin zone to discuss Whoopi's "dangerous" rhetoric on The View, and the lamestream's latest attempt to K.O. Joe Ro. *DISCLAIMER - WE ARE NOT JOURNALISTS/DOCTORS/PARENTS PLZ VISIT THE LINK BELOW FOR COVID-19 RESOURCES* xxxooo

https://www.instagram.com/bigcigarette_pod/

Our Date With Juliye

bigcigpod@gmail.com (Leah Langford, April Porteneuve) — Thu, 3 Feb 2022 19:32:33 +0000

Hi, it's ciggy. You've probably seen the news, and yes! It's true, we're still high on the, like, pheromone oils exchanged while like literally forming the most organic relationship of our lives. We're totally just getting to know each otherrr and like talking so fast and nooo we're not putting any labels on it except like the truly essential ones like artist, muse, creative collaborator...anyway if you're so interested in us, maybe you should like listen to our podcast, like come to our art show, i dont know like, buy our self-published book of poetry (titled Ruminations Had Smoking Big Cig: i'm a bad girl/that's good 4 u) that reflects on our experience growing up a horny child pick pocket in new york. we're gonna keep doing us either way bitch like we can't help that we're honest. WE'RE DATING JULIYE. WE DID FUCK THE WEEKND. *mwuah mwuah* ciao

https://www.instagram.com/bigcigarette_pod/

The Kurse of Khloé

bigcigpod@gmail.com (April Porteneuve, Leah Langford) — Wed, 19 Jan 2022 21:56:47 +0000

Well, hi. We were busy attending the Omarion Variant Tour and lost all sense of time, space, smell, taste, etc. Fortunately, our sense of duty prevailed, our intensive holistic immunization procedures concluded, and our paternity tests have determined ... YOU ARE THE FATHER. Khloé has egg on her face again since news broke that Tristan Thompson preferred the eggs of some other slim/thick/insta/heaux. How many NBA players does it take to fix a Kardashian? In other #girlboss news, we discuss the prison potential for our guilty gals, Ghislane and Liz. missed u <3

12 Angry Cigs

bigcigpod@gmail.com (April Porteneuve, Leah Langford) — Wed, 15 Dec 2021 18:05:53 +0000

ALL RISE FOR THE HONORABLE JUDGE CIGARETTE. *gavel gavel* Court is now in session. There's a lot of celebs on the naughty list this year: Jussie, TSwift, Holmes, Duggar, Baldwin, and MORE. But we're two very good girls with incredible judgement. We've been chain smoking cigarettes in a tiny office with a dim lamp, we've considered all the mens rea, and we've been found in contempt of court; so allow us to present an extrajudicial Christmas treat - 12 Angry Cigs: The Justice Episode. Cozy up to your Netflix hearth and prepare to be outraged. xoxo court is ADJOURNED.

Free legal advice: https://www.instagram.com/bigcigarette_pod/

Father, Son, and House of Carter

bigcigpod@gmail.com (April Porteneuve, Leah Langford) — Fri, 10 Dec 2021 02:12:10 +0000

Ciao ciggies, benvenuti. We've been preparing for months to enjoy House of Gucci and yet... the only thing worth remark was the value of Jared Leto's method acting. After a tepid review, we decided to show Ridley Scott a thing or two about *character development* and tackled a house even greater than Gucci - The House of Carters. Light a cig, huff something potent, and go live on Instagram because that's the only way you guys are gonna understand this. with love & light, BC <3

Pleeeazuuhh, clickah da leeenkuh grazieeee miiiillle https://www.instagram.com/bigcigarette_pod/

Look What You Made Us Do (sell sex toys)

bigcigpod@gmail.com (April Porteneuve, Leah Langford) — Wed, 1 Dec 2021 06:36:14 +0000

Hey, Cigs. We took a little holiday break for some uninterrupted gratitude. Now we're back, and feeling *sexually well* -- so well, in fact, we're excited to announce we've teamed up with @bellesaboutique to create a revolutionary pleasure device: The InCIGerator™. Crafted with gender neutral silicone, this non-toxic vibe is perfect for literally anyone. I mean, we're retarded and this is our vibrator. Invigorate yourself with a true-to-scale replica of a Gauloises cigarette that we can legally sell as a sex toy because it vibrates. In other news, Kardavidsian is still happening, Flava Flav was there, and we were all subjected to "Taylor's Version" of last week. yaaaa boiiii kissesesses

link in bio for sex toy https://www.instagram.com/bigcigarette_pod/

The Faults in Our Stars

bigcigpod@gmail.com (April Porteneuve, Leah Langford) — Thu, 18 Nov 2021 00:41:49 +0000

Hi Cigs, thanks for having us. We need to set the record straight about a few blatant LIES being spread before the woke mob puts the final nail in our cancel culture casket (cute). First of all, Aaron Rodgers does NOT want to talk about the 500 pages of research he compiled on homeopathic immunization processes. Second of all, Shailene Woodley doesn't know much, but she does know her fiancé when she sees him. And lastly, we think its cute that you guys keep listening to this podcast when you could be using that time to like read or make your own medicine or gather your water from a mountain spring or bare your pussy to the sun or... idk we've literally never listened to a podcast. xo

https://www.instagram.com/bigcigarette_pod/

Hit Yolanda One More Time

bigcigpod@gmail.com (Leah Langford, April Porteneuve) — Tue, 9 Nov 2021 19:26:16 +0000

Hallo sigarets, it's your Dutch sluts. Zayn pushed us into a dresser real good and now we must be in Hell because Pete Davidson and Kim Kardashian held hands and are probably doing performative Stanton Island sex RIGHT NOW. Anyway - while we're here roasting in eternal damnation: we provide an update on the Baldwins from a very private location in Vermont, shrug off the Hadids, and do a close reading of Britney's stream-of-consciousness instagram prose. Late stage humanity is a blast. xoxo kusjes!

THERE'S FUNNIES ON THE IG LOOK https://www.instagram.com/bigcigarette_pod/

Bandito Baldwinito

bigcigpod@gmail.com (April Porteneuve, Leah Langford) — Tue, 2 Nov 2021 15:59:23 +0000

¡Hola cigarillos! We've been ~ muy mal ~ and took a week off to attend a yoga retreat in our native España. However, when news broke that our dear friend Alec Baldwin was involved in a tragic on-set shooting, we stopped shavasana and jetted straight to Vermont to get the scoop. And Dios mío, scoop we did! In this episode, we allow special investigator Leah to present evidence against the true villain of the story - Hilary Hayward Thomas aka HILARIA BALDWIN. The lies, the tan, the... how do you say in English? Grift. Besos!

FOLLOW OUR INSTAGRAM POR FA https://www.instagram.com/bigcigarette_pod/

Machine Gun Megan Kelly

bigcigpod@gmail.com (April Porteneuve, Leah Langford) — Thu, 21 Oct 2021 22:31:32 +0000

We're back, but this time our skin is like silk and our bodies have curves in all the right places and we own the largest collection of Vermeer paintings and we STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, BRITTANY MURPHY? However, we did get several answers to questions we did not ask, thanks to this week's expertly coordinated mega dump of Kourtney/Travis/Megan/COLSON(?) emo love foursome content. Travis asked Kourtney to prom. Machine Gun and Megan got a spread in the yearbook. Senior year rocks. Then, love takes a *literally* toxic turn when we review the new documentary "series" about Brittany Murphy's mysterious death at the hands of her porcine Svengali, Simon Monjack (ewww). xoxo

I AM ONCE AGAIN ASKING THAT YOU FOLLOW US ON INSTAGRAM: https://www.instagram.com/bigcigarette_pod/

Dave Chappelle Went Online

bigcigpod@gmail.com (April Porteneuve, Leah Langford) — Wed, 13 Oct 2021 02:15:22 +0000

Big Ciggie missed you. Your beloved terrible-looking white bitches have finally been released from the trunk of Dave Chappelle's car...and we have some thoughts. But first, we review a lil investigative journalism we conducted last week in our quest to expose all liars. Then, we share confusion over the Facebook "whistleblower," and thoroughly review Kim Kardashian(West)'s SNL appearance. In closing, The Closer. Who let Dave get on the forums? He googled! He said he was "Team TERF." Dad, please come down. You're making a scene.

CLICK DA LINK BELOW FOR DA BABY'S SEX TAPE

https://www.instagram.com/bigcigarette_pod/

Sorry, Not Sorry

bigcigpod@gmail.com (April Porteneuve, Leah Langford) — Wed, 6 Oct 2021 20:11:38 +0000

Hi. We're Big Cigarette: singer, activist, and Demi Lovato experiencer. Sorry we're late, but it's your fault. This week, we start the episode on a high note with some of Leah's favorite headlines. But don't get too comfy, because April went full method by getting drunk for a deep dive on our favorite fruit fly, Demetria Devonne. The tweets, the overdose, the...aliens? It's a miracle we survived. You can have a lil brain damage, just as a treat. xoxo

FEED THE ALGORITHM. SUBMIT TO TECH LORDS: https://www.instagram.com/bigcigarette_pod/

can cook, not slut

bigcigpod@gmail.com (Leah Langford, April Porteneuve) — Mon, 27 Sep 2021 06:14:40 +0000

Hello friend - Big Cigarette™ is working overtime in the emotional labor department and is currently at capacity. Is there someone else you can talk to? Text Joe30330 to receive affirmations. This week, we're afraid of the internet. We chat about some *buzz words* - the evolution of #tradwife - parasocial relationships - if (April) leaves a suicide note, it will be a hyperlink to the new Fox singing competition, Alter Ego. We're simply unlike other women. xo

https://www.instagram.com/bigcigarette_pod/

The Video Met Gala Music Awards

bigcigpod@gmail.com (April Porteneuve, Leah Langford) — Mon, 20 Sep 2021 00:56:36 +0000

Look, we had to do it. As professional cultural commentators and white women in athleisure...we had to cover the MTV Video Music Awards. Does Justin Bieber have lupus or Lyme's disease? Is Doja Cat a computer generated PSYOP funded by Pepsi? HOW MANY MARRIAGES WILL OLIVIA MUNN DESTROY? We're literally asking, we do not know. And just in case we didn't say "trash," "garbage," and "shit" enough in the first half, we review the Met Gala 2021: An American Horror Story. The event so underwhelming and distasteful that it killed Norm Macdonald. nigh niiiiigh sleep tight.

FOLLOW. US. ON. INSTAGRAM. OR. ELSE.

https://www.instagram.com/bigcigarette_pod/

Speaking of Liars...

bigcigpod@gmail.com (Leah Langford, April Porteneuve) — Wed, 15 Sep 2021 19:30:00 +0000

Big Cigarette™ has a fear of needles, but we're not afraid to talk about some pricks. First up, we cover John Mulaney's terrible horrible no good very bad year, and the *highly suspicious* timeline he constructed to announce he came inside Japanese potato evangelist, Olivia Munn. Then we shift gears to a more consequential scammer - Elizabeth Holmes. As her federal trial commences, we review her uncanny origin, the insane fraudulence of Theranos, and her Hail Mary #MeToo defense strategy. Who will protect Sunny Balwani? xoxo

Building a Bitch in Paradise

bigcigpod@gmail.com (Leah Langford, April Porteneuve) — Fri, 10 Sep 2021 01:05:00 +0000

Hiiiii *giggle* uwu. We're just two shy, sexy babies trying to figure out who the hell Bella Poarch is and how the fuck she got 500+ million views on Tiktok for a 10 second face dance. Do we figure it out? No. But we do know enough about Zoe Kravitz and Channing Tatum to understand their budding relationship is an unholy union and we are here for support. And while we're on the topic of unholy unions...a Bachelor in Paradise recap occurs. It was a slow news week. Kisses!

The Proximity Effect

bigcigpod@gmail.com (April Porteneuve, Leah Langford) — Wed, 8 Sep 2021 06:10:00 +0000

Aloha, tramps! We've donned our finest Tommy Bahama shirts and evil eye amulets to discuss the latest video, "Envy," from Youtube darling and philosophy MILF, Natalie Wynn. Then we take a bunch of ketamine, check into the Pineapple Suite, and recap HBO's The White Lotus. Fuck this place! xoxo

All interstitial music credit to Cristobal Tapia de Veer.

Greg Grippo '99

bigcigpod@gmail.com (Big Cigarette™) — Sun, 22 Aug 2021 00:25:00 +0000

Somehow we did this again. This week, we had a long chat on HBO's Woodstock '99: the looks, the boobs, the original f(y)re fest. Nu-metal did nothing wrong. You know who did something wrong? GREG GRIPPO. Sorry cuties, we're talking about The Bachelorette.

DMX Woodstock '99 Full Set

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXQZw9WM84k&t=938s

I'm With Joe (Baena)

bigcigpod@gmail.com (Big Cigarette™) — Mon, 16 Aug 2021 07:00:00 +0000

On this ~*inaugural episode*~ we share our love for Joseph Baena; our displeasure with (human void and friend of Megan McCain) Katherine Schwarzenegger; and some chaotic thoughts on Netflix's Sexy Beasts. Then we wrap it up with our weekly segment, The Last Drag, where we riff on what's giving us mental illness that week. xoxo